Is life supposed to be this hard?

[Anon2852]

Hello, I’m in my early 30’s work full-time as a chef and study full-time, so roughly 60-80 hours a week for study and work. Working as a chef is incredibly tiring and exhausting, my diet consists of mostly Red Bull, whisky, cigarettes and one meal a day. Sadly it’s not to my choosing, considering some days I work up to 14 hours straight (no break), if I had a choice I’d love to live a three meal day, work appropriate hours, with appropriate breaks. But sadly it’s not in the cards, due to ridiculously high rent and tafe payments. I live with my partner and cat, my partner works a 9-5 office job, and other than that she does very little. Maybe cooks once or twice a month, unfortunately all the domestic jobs fall on to me when I have time (cooking, cleaning, bills, budgeting, maintenance). The sad truth about being a chef is you learn to say yes to everything and if something upsets you, you never get to voice your opinion. It’s been my lifestyle for such a long time, I thought after all this pain and suffering something good would come of it. But the brutal life I’ve been living for the past 10 years is earning me just enough to pay the bills. Everyday is a struggle, and every night I’m terrified of what might/ will happen the next day.

[randomxx]

Hi there op .

Man that is all just no damn good. 1st up have to wonder is the full time tafe really necessary could it be cut back to p/t time yeah it'd take twice as long but maybe that won't hurt?

One things for sure that l found, quite often we can reshuffle life, we just think we can't we just get so scrambled and rutted with life and it's ways, ideals. But it's often more that we say yes even to just ourselves and put ourselves under all kinds of pressure when really, we didn't even have to. Made that mistake myself so much in my 30s early 40s, so much l'd change if l could. l was pretty well an obsessed nutcase about getting this and doing that- long story. Thing is though, l look back of late 15-20yrs later now and so much of all that was just a such a precious waste of life. Yeah there were times l really went at it to get somewhere, there was a real purpose like my first property but only over a reasonably short stint and that's ok 20s and 30s is prime to to go for it.

But it didn't end there that was my mistake, one of, and as l found out later it's also such precious time for life itself too and for just us which l basically ruined for yrs, and for my marriage too that really, got me nowhere anyway.

So if time over l sure as would've been much more selective and careful about just when and why l  go all in and l'd try remember just life and my marriage itself too, and myself.

Mind you though too, in your situation the other thing is she shouldn't be so lazy with everything your doing that's disgusting and l'm afraid personally, l'd be putting my foot down.

Yaknow, men helping out more round the house was about Unbalance especially with the stress and workload of kids back in the days but atm the unbalance is way way onto your side, not hers- she should be carrying her weight more and helping you out more.

But sorry too gotta laugh- eh just on a side note. l'm a terrible cook and l always envied chefs and people that can cook but hey sounds like even l'm eating nicer than you atm- you gotta crack down on yourself and maybe her to and do something about that as well.

rx

[sbella02]

Hey, thank you for reaching out to us, we warmly welcome you to the forums. I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling, 60-80 hours combined of working and studying sounds exhausting. 

Randomxx has given some great advice, and sounds arguably more experienced than me in this regard. I'd like to echo and build on their words with my own perspective, as somebody who has also had to juggle work and study simultaneously.

Is there any way you'd be able to go part-time with your study instead of full-time? It may be worth having a chat with your professors/supervisors to see what your options would be, because you may find that would reduce much of your daily stress.

Have you talked to your partner about your stress at all? If you haven't already, it may be useful to have a chat with her, not only for her support but also about picking up more of the household chores so it's split more evenly between the two of you.

I've worked in hospitality for about six years, and I've seen firsthand how employers get away with not giving people the breaks that they're entitled to. Getting no break is unfair on you for several reasons - other than the fact that breaks separate your shift so you can rest and relax for a bit, but they also give you the opportunity to eat and drink. Would you/have you considered starting to look for another similar job? As challenging as it may be to leave your workplace and start somewhere new, you may find it beneficial, if it's a feasible option for you, to seek out another place that pays better, treats you better, and respects your working rights.

With regards to eating healthily, there are companies like Lite n Easy and Hello Fresh that can deliver ready-made meals and/or fresh ingredients directly to your house to take away the stress of having to source meals yourself, particularly Lite n Easy. The downside is that they can be quite expensive, so depending on how much you would typically spend on groceries per week, it may not be worthwhile. But if that's something you'd be interested in, I'd recommend having a look into what they may be able to offer you. Even one nutritious meal a day can make such a difference to your health, which can also help with stress and exhaustion.

I hope you can find something in this advice that resonates with you, and please feel free to keep chatting more with us if you'd like. We're here to support you.

Take care, SB

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at such an unbelievably stressful and exhausting time in your life.

That is so much work, way too much to be managing on such an ongoing basis. Short term it may be do-able but long term I think everyone's going to come to reach their breaking point at some stage. Sadly, most will be more inclined to say 'What's wrong with me, why can't I manage?', rather than insist 'In no way is this manageable (physically and mentally) on such an ongoing basis'. Even on a soulful level, it can become soul destroying in a way or depressing, which can tend to prompt questions like 'What is this all for? What's the point?' and those types of questions.

As the financial manager of the household, maybe some financially related questions could help determine the way ahead. Just a few of many possible questions

• Can you afford to continue renting in the suburb you're in? Is it feasible to move to a more affordable suburb, where such a huge chunk of money isn't coming out of your pays? I know the rental crisis makes things tough but at least the idea could offer some relief and maybe something to look forward to
• With you working so many hours a week, putting you into a high tax bracket, would a job with less hours take you into a lower bracket where you're still netting around the same amount of money (while paying less tax)?
• While you have no time outside of work and study to live the good life and with your partner having the time, is she living well beyond both your means? If so, it sounds like there needs to be a serious discussion

Something perhaps worth looking at is General Adaptation Syndrome (GAS). It's about the side effects of living with such high and ongoing levels of stress and cortisol. The 3rd stage of GAS (the exhaustion stage) can have some pretty intense side effects, such as fatigue, burnout, anxiety, depression and decreased stress tolerance. Can be the body's way of screaming 'I've had enough, I can't take this anymore!'. Eventually, a person is forced to slow down or, at the very least, seriously re-evaluate things. Trying to cope with the aid of stimulants just prolongs the inevitable. Redeveloping that part of you that leads you to occasionally say 'No' can be a massive challenge but definitely a challenge worth considering. There are some parts of our self that a worth liberating, as opposed to us constantly suppressing them. I know, easier said than done.

[Anon2852]

Thanks a lot for the advice, it is very welcome and makes me feel incredibly relieved to understand that my present way of life isn’t sustainable. I think growing up in a smaller suburb, where I was told to ‘toughen up’ or ‘she’ll be right mate’, deluded me to think that it’s normal to go through this. I think a great part is identifying my self-worth and understanding that other peoples problems don’t have to necessarily be mine to inherit as well. I think about the passage, ‘have the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, have the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference’. Things came to a point recently, when work was demanding too much of me, they were aware I was attending tafe for 30+ hours a week and yet they still rostered me on a 45 hour week, the job location is in one of the busiest areas of an Australian capital city. Naturally my mental health and well-being collapsed, and at the end of the week I resigned. I have had many discussions regarding my partners ‘support’, and it has been hard over the years, but I’m trying to make it work. Thanks again for the replies, I’m very thankful, if I tried to talk with family or friends, they wouldn’t understand or just say ‘she’ll be right mate’. So I’m thankful not to hear that again for the thousandth time. 

[therising]

Hi Anon2852

I'm glad you've been able to feel a sense of progress, especially when it comes to what you can tolerate and what you can't, as well as what you will and won't tolerate. I've found, from personal experience, sometimes you don't realise what approaching tipping point feels like and then, bamm, you reach it and realise 'All that stress was actually the lead up to it'. Can be a seriously tough lesson, learning what the lead up to our own personal tipping point feels like.

When you mentioned 'She'll be right', I couldn't help but smile. This is one of my husband's favourite sayings when there are challenges to be faced. As I've mentioned to him on a number of occasions 'Things don't magically become right most of the time. You have to make them right. You have to manage the challenges in some way'. Not sure whether you've found that the kinds of people who say this tend to be the ones who have someone in their life who makes things right for them in some way.

With 'toughen up', another way to phrase it is 'You need to become emotionally detached' or you could say 'Develop an exterior so tough (a thick skin) to the point where you can't feel a thing'. The problem with taking this to the extreme is you can't feel much at all. Someone could come to you and say 'I'm facing what feels like an overwhelming challenge, where the stress is getting the better of me and I've become so exhausted to the point where I'm bordering on depression'. Because you've lost your ability to sense what others are feeling (having become thick skinned and insensitive), you may say 'You need to toughen up. She'll be right mate'.😁 You could even say you've been conditioned to not sense. How to become a master at emotional detachment while also being a master of feeling or sensing is quite the challenge.

While I'm a gal who used to feel a downshift any time someone would offer the criticism 'You're too sensitive', these days it more so triggers me to a smile and a response along the lines of 'Hell, yeah, I'm sensitive. How else do you think I can sense the seriously triggering comment you just made?'.😅

[sbella02]

Good to hear that you made the decision to resign, I hope everything's going well for you at this time. No job is worth sacrificing your mental health and wellbeing for. 

That's a great quote, I've always liked that one:

"Have the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, have the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference"

It's true of life, particularly in a capitalistic society where working tends to bleed into our home lives.

How are you feeling at the moment, about everything? Have you been on the hunt for another job at all or just taking things slowly for now?