Introduction; Hi I am J I have bipolar and I would love to make some friends

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Hi my name is "J" as a pseudonym and I am a 26 year old female. I have had the mood disorder bipolar disorder since 2011. So far I have had 4 different types of episodes - so it makes my life and my carer's life a little more challenging to identify symptoms of bipolar. I rarely tell people I have bipolar - the stigma is still there, even though the psychiatrist says I'm an elevated person - I'm rather depressed and pessimistic. People treat me differently when I say bipolar yet if I said depression or anxiety it appears to be an accepted thing.

I've gone through a lot in 2018 for my 2nd last episode - ask If you want to - and to this day it still affects m - I think during that period of my time I literally became a broken person. It was one problem after the other.

I am being currently cared for but sometimes I get upset when he offhand says something like "taking you the hospital would've been easier" duding a tiff... I cried a bit he was the one who adamant about me not getting placed into the hospital.

I'd like to get to know more people who are like minded:

• I have a dog
• Does occasionally garden
• Likes knitting
• Positive mind set
• Creativity
• I have a few aquariums
• I am a closet otaku I like reading anime, manhwa, manhua - because I've quit smoking for almost a year now
• I am not sure if I am asking for too much but I am open minded
• I rarely drink its about like 5 days of the year if you want a number haha

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Sorry I have r ally poor concentration skills right now

[quirkywords]

J

No need to apologise, I can relate to not being able concentrate.

have a very bad memory , I am much older than you and put it down to getting older.

I am opposite I am grumpy and irritable in the morning by 2pm I am ok but by late afternoon I feel very tired and start yawning.

Take care.

If you are not up to it, you don't have to reply to posts, only when you feel comfortable to.

Quirky

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Hey quirky here’s a rant if I could say this to my SO without interruptions

”if we could have a normal conversation... I would tell you that you can hear me but you are not listening to me. You talk to me everyday but you are no talking with me but at me.

i do not want your hugs as apologies... I’m not an affectionate person and I cannot accept them as apologies because you do it so many times that sorry isn’t even a word anymore.

i want someone there for me to validate me, listen to me and just be there for me,

i know you care about me but it hurts - you hurt me everyday and you do not even know. Your one liners references to my illness in altercations. They hurt so much since I suffer a mood disorder that affects my emotions. Sometimes I wonder if this how you gas light me or power over me,

sometimes i want to give in the bipolar... this is hard to pretend or consider someone else’s or point of view... you say things to me where it hurts and that’s every day just about whether initentional or not.

I am rather feeling low

J

[quirkywords]

J

That was a very powerful and moving post.

I can see you are feeling low. Keep posting here if it helps. I will look to see if you have written.

I have thought of those words you wrote.

Quirky

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Thank you... but sometimes I feel I get too poetic. But that really is the situation. It’s like he thinks the pills fix me. They don’t fix me when I am angry, crying, yelling or being genuinely happy. Sometimes it worries me I think he goes overboard with extremely thin line of what’s me and bipolar.

my tablets do not usually stay stable... my body can tolerate a lot of medication right now I take 13 tablets. It restricts me mentally and physically I say mentally first because it requires thought before acting upon something... unless you are impulsive.

talking to you has been great tell me more about yourself and your thoughts or experiences that you are comfortable to share.

J

[quirkywords]

J

I think poetic is a good thing.

I too find people think medication is verything nadvthye don’t know all th eothervthings we need to do to stay well.

Many years ago when my second major relationship was falling apart and I knew I had to leave but was scared how I would cope , I had well meaning friends and family telling me to just take more medication!! Those people said they would be there to suppport me but they were not.

I think I just don’t expect my partner to understand me, as they can’t, they can support . I have found through this forum I have been given support and understanding that I haven’t in my non internet life.

After so many years of living with bipolar I don’t really have too many answers just more questions. I am luck my medication has worked for me but I still need on a daily basis to really been vigilant about what is happening. I think we need to be our own experts.

Ask me any questions, if you like.

Quirky

[insertaname]

Hi Quirky

Wish this forum was done in real-time.

Being poetic leads to these silly philosophical thoughts. E.g. regardless of whether luck exists or not it is you who determines your success in life

Don't like that - makes me feel old. I'm 26 but I've always felt old. Could never blend in with my peers - the 'i' generation.

People assume meds fixes your emotions. It's tough when I'm turbulent.

I've to do so many things just to get out of the manic phase. For 3 weeks from I'd wake up and clean the house. I'm a messy person.

Typically, ppl who say they understand - don't. Ppl who say they will be there for u typically avoid you, it's their way of getting out of 'another problem'.My partner is apprehensive about meeting the registrar next Monday meds change he thinks i'm not ready... but my body is telling me I am. It's hard being in a relationship, have you ever had that feeling?

I think you should have a partner that knows somewhat of what you are going through. A relationship embodies a 50/50 percentage. I also do not have a support network. My mum has no idea what bipolar is despite being there for my 1st manic episode - she kept telling it's "God's punishment, and that you're feeling guilty". My mother is toxic, she conditionally loved me and compared me and my little sister. She used to also tell me that "when you were just a newborn...you wouldn't stop crying and you gave me post natal depression" - she would tell me these things from the age of 6/7. She also told me that i was exactly like my father, where nobody liked me, where he had no friends, and that he only had her because she understood him. My mum also used to blame me for my little sister's errs. My father during my 2nd episode after I was discharged... he kept ringing me at early hours he sounded unstable and then he blamed me for why my mother and father separated - after each of his phone calls i would be trembling in fear unsure of what to do. My support is my psychiatrist, case manager and SO.

I have questions about my bipolar too. Why has every episode been different? Why were the last two episodes harder to detect. Why do I walk out on certain psychiatrists? I've burst in tears and refused to re-enter the room. Why the clinical questioning and the question of what meds i am on they have it on record

You sound mature Quirky, how old are you? Did you accept that you had bipolar at first? Don't you want your SO to understand you?

[insertaname]

I'm sorry it took so long to respond... the word limit was like 1800 or 2000 words over haha

[quirkywords]

J

I will be you age reversed on next birthday!!

I was diagnosed ay 16 and in denial until I was 32, when I was married with 3 children. I did not want to accept it as I knew no one who had it and there was one support group many hours from me. I went to one meeting and felt I had nothing in common.

I know you have found people treat you differently but at least they know a bit about mental health, back in the 1970s and 1980s there was little knowledge and much more stigma.

I think my partner wont understand but he can support.

Every person I have spoken to who has bipolar has had a different experience from me and from each other. I suppose I have stopped asking why and I feel it is what it is.

I used to feel guilty that everyone I know who had bipolar had had trauma as a child or in the past and I had a loving childhood., so what excuse did I have.

I asked too many questions but I try not to keep asking why me instead why not me.

That is sad how your parents treated you. I suppose they were scared and instead of trying to help you they blamed you. Alas fear does that to you.

I found this best thing for me was to start my own business as I found it hard working for others as a teacher. I like being my own boss.

Do you know any people with bipolar offline. I did not meet my first person with bipolar till I was nearly 50.

I was so angry for many years , then one day after being on medication for many years I wrote a letter to my bipolar. there was a website that invited people to write about a letter to their illness.

I did not send mine in just wrote it as a writing exercise. I thought I was ok about things but a lot of resentment and ager came out.

This is a lot longer than I usually write and I never run out of characters but I think I am more long winded when I talk.

Quirky

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My computer is playing up.
Wow, is all I can say. I was diagnosed at 17, turned 18 in the psych ward. I was in denial after being diagnosed in 2011: at one point i was hoping God would cure me. I have not gone to meetings... you don't typically encounter young people... I've done counselling but did not really gain much from it either.

I still feel the stigma - it's better if you say you have anxiety or depression - people my age are judgemental and assume bipolar means up and down like a rollercoaster like that Katy Perry Song... too many time bipolar has been used incorrectly. "I think my partner wont understand but he can support." - true, but it's because this you experiencing it and feeling it, not him all he can do is observe.

Yes each person is different too. The last time I met someone with bipolar she really drove me up the walls she was one year older than me and she was being treated with ECT. She kept going on about how God will help her and cure her. Everything she was doing was mirroring what I did myself. So it flipped me out. She first made me change rooms because 4 is an unlucky number. She then began trying to philosophically talk to me ... even though I didn't want to... I WANTED TO GET OUT because at 4 am at the hospital she'd wake up screaming and then they'd inject her with drugs. She made me feel sick and I said everything I could just to get of the hospital... during the day they were constructing more on the hospital so it wasn't quiet at all.

I was also thrown onto a mattress on the floor during this hospital say.
My mum and I aren't close, she treated me as a her confidante not her daughter. My father wasn't much of one, he's dead and I haven't even mourned for him once. He used to kick me out of the house.

I don't know anyone with bipolar as friend or acquaintance - that girl was freaking me out and her parents kept begging me to tell her to take her meds. I don't know if I am angry that I have bipolar but it definitely affects my cognitive functions - I got a distinction and high distinction this semester but I was almost having an episode during it... they don't teach or answer questions. I shouldn't had gone back to uni after recovering from the third episode in 2018. If I didn't have bipolar maybe I could do better.