Intense fear of cheating SO

[emi_o]

Hi all,

So I’m new here but not new to depression. I was diagnosed with major depression disorder several years ago and have been through therapy and still on medication. Last year, my doctor and I decided to taper down my dosage since it seemed I was doing well. But yesterday, after numerous bouts of those familiar intense negative thoughts, feelings of suicide and wanting to self harm again for over a month - I decided I needed to go back up to a dose.

Among all these issues. I’m becoming severely addicted and obsessed with the thought my SO is being unfaithful. I have been cheated on by a horrible ex in the past so these fears are not entirely unfounded. With my current SO, I believe I’ve become hypervigilant to anything he does or says. Right now, I’m obsessing and worrying over the fact he goes “online” on a certain app very often. When he’s online on this app, he completely ignores me. But when I’m with him, I never see him go on it. He doesn’t shy away from using his phone and numerous other apps around me, but this one he seems to avoid (or just not feel like?) going on it around me. Sometimes he says things that he’s sure he’s told me, and I get a horrible feeling it’s because he’s talking to someone else and forgets who he actually mentioned it to. My memory is bad though, so I can’t be too sure. He randomly decided to diet too. He makes innocent jokes when I receive a notification on my phone like “oh is that your other boyfriend”, etc.

I don’t know what else to mention. I’m just a mess of worry and guilt for even thinking this. He makes it a point to despise cheaters, even so far as being personally annoyed by cheaters in TV shows. I feel he has the same morals when it comes to cheating, but I’m still drowning in these nagging, insecure thoughts.

I hope someone is able to give me insight. Like if this is common for depression to amplify these paranoid thoughts. I’m sorry for my incoherency.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

So I detect a strong sense of insecurity. This could have come from your previous relationship that involved cheating of that as well as other personality traits.

One important thing my therapist taught me way back in 1987 that has cemented in my mind is "are you being realistic "? When we allow intrusive thoughts to overpower our mind without techniques to avoid them, we get into trouble, it starts to interfere with trust, faith and creates suspicion. That can in turn start a domino effect. Suddenly the damage is done.

The good news for you is that you have acknowledged this and sort assistance. Insight is the best initial step anyone can have, and many don't.

Some actions you can consider-

• relationship counseling.
• Distractions. Finding a hobby or sports
• Developing faith. Let your partner know his reassurance is needed. Tell him you want to develop more trust but you need him to be more transparent until you revover more from past experiences
• Counter bad thoughts eg do I have hard evidence of him cheating? Most partners have communication with people outside the relationship eg mates, car Club friends etc that they simply dont share with their partners. Without hard evidence you could be risking false allegations
• A GP visit and medication reassessment

Google

Beyondblue topic worry worry worry

Beyondblue topic the best praise you'll ever get

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I hope that helps

Repost anytime

TonyWK

[paddyanne]

Hi emi.o Having experienced a previous let down by someone you loved would send anyone into a spiral of anxiety and mistrust. Have you actually told your SO how you feel, that you're concerned about who he is chatting to. Honesty here is essential, on both sides. He could be just fascinated by others who apparently cheat and seem to 'get away with it'. He may fantasize about 'how to'. We all fantasize, we often actually see ourselves doing something we shouldn't, it doesn't necessarily mean we will. I suggest you sit down with him and ask him who he is chatting to, tell him you're concerned that he could be contemplating seeing someone else and if so, ask why? If he is you're entitled to know. As I said, it could be all quite innocent, but till you actually talk to him, you're going to feel even more depressed. If he is aware of your past let-down, he will understand. The depression you're feeling could well be feeding your insecurity. You need to talk to him and explain your insecurity and ask him who he is talking to.