Inappropriate relationship with therapist.

[Skaters]

Hi everyone

I guess the title says it all really.. I am a 28 year old female and the relationship with my therapist has gotten to the point where it is probably inappropriate but then I am not to sure and I also have very strong feelings for her.

I have been seeing this woman for about 10 months and have shared some very personal information with her during our sessions and she has been a huge pillar of support for me and I noticed I began feeling excited to see her and felt some feelings towards her about 3 months in, I immediately took control of the situation and made sure I was aware of my feelings and reassured myself it is normal and will pass I also took steps to lessen appointment times and sessions.

Over the past 3 months she has begun telling me that she gets butterflies when she thinks about seeing me and she "Loves how excited she gets when she sees me" I know everything about her life because she has told me everything, and we have started seeing each other outside of therapy a few times catching up for lunch.

Yesterday we met up again this time for breakfast and she was constantly touching my hands and my back and when I went to say bye and leave she hugged me tightly and kissed me on the cheek.

I am beyond confused I get a huge sense that this woman has strong feelings for me, but it is wrong on so many levels... She is my therapist and also a female (I have never had feelings for a woman before) I am so concerned fir her and her job but at the same time I am falling in love with her to the point of literally feeling my heart flutter and all that other romantic stuff lol when she is around..

What do I do? Am I even right for thinking she has feelings for me? And should I cut all contact to protect us both... I am so confused 😞

Thankyou so much for reading my post and I hope it makes sense 🙂 

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Skaters,

Thank you for your post. It is a difficult situation.

From what I have read from it, you may have the makings of a relationship on your hands. Of course there should be mention of professional distance and such, but at the end of the day, nurses wouldn't be married to doctors, policemen wouldn't be married to victims of crime and shopkeepers wouldn't be married to customers if they all observed strict professional distance. Somehow the line between purely professional and acting on human attraction becomes blurred.

I think the only difficulty is that no partner should also be your therapist. I don't think anyone would see that as helpful or appropriate. If you develop strong feelings for each other it will inhibit your ability to discuss the issues you originally went to see her for and impair her ability to objectively assess and treat you. We are all only human!

Further, that clinical relationship is one of a great power imbalance. I do not see how any emotional relationship should commence in that environment.

Have you considered stopping your visits to her as a therapist and just continuing on with exploring your feelings for each other? Good therapists are hard to find but she cannot b good for you like this. Good partners are even harder to find, so if you have a shot, why not?

Of course my response is very oversimplified as you may have some very serious psychological issues that make you weak, or vulnerable, or prone to bad choices, but you come across as someone that has put a bit of thought in to this.

I'll keep and eye out for your posts. Good luck with it.

Kind regards, John.

P.S. I didn't bother addressing your comment about you both being the same sex. I don't see how that is an issue if you have these feelings for each other. The realisation of your change in orientation at this stage of life might be a topic for your next therapist!

[white knight]

Hi Skaters

My view is if you are happy to venture towards a willing relationship then pursue it.

This shouldnt be clouded with professional conduct issues. Hence I agree with John on this.

Stop being confused. There is no need. Happiness, love, care and contentment are all important. And you get 24 hour access to therapy (couldnt help myself there.)

Take care and keep smiling   Tony WK

[geoff]

dear Skater, a very interesting match made in heaven. lol

Just briefly I had been seeing my psychologist for 20 years or more, longer than some marriages, but then she upped and left, which I was devastated with, because I could talk to her about anything, but she was married and had children, and about my age, but I wouldn't want to form a relationship with her, because I would feel as though I would be psycho-analysed on most things in life, although I don't know if she had any intentions or not and that's why she left.

I agree with John and Tony that a patient who has affection with their therapist shouldn't be your counsellor, because it will get to a stage where you might start to not tell her what is upsetting you, in fear of breaking the relationship, and this goes both ways.

So now a feeling for each other has formed, and really that's not a problem, good luck to you both, but you have a bit of thinking to do.

Can I say that she might say to you that there will not be a problem for her to stay as your therapist, but love and affection has broken the cardinal rule by any professional, but then being in love is too powerful, stay in love, it's too hard to find, but do consider the alternative as the three of us have said. L Geoff. x

[White_Rose]

Dear Skater

I am reminded of a similar situation my daughter told me about her obstetrician. He was married and had an affair with one of his patients. He was barred from practicing for a year and the relationship dissolved.

I was telling my GP about it one (no idea why) and her comment was "It serves him right. Patients of obstetricians and psychologists/psychiatrists are the most vulnerable and open to these types of relationships (and abuse). If the pair wanted an affair the obstetrician should have stopped treating her professionally and waited three months. The they could have their affair without professional misconduct".

It seems to be the same situation here. Ask your GP for a referral to another psych. Tell +your current psych why you are going and suggest you and she meet again in a couple of months. If you both feel the same you can continue the relationship without any professional problems.

Also be aware that it is very common for a patient to 'fall in love' with the therapist. As you have said, you tell this person many intimate details of your life, probably more than you have ever told anyone else. It makes a very tight bond between you and can easily be mistaken for a different emotion.Psychs are usually trained to recognise this and take appropriate steps. So on several levels I would be concerned.

Having said that there is no reason why two people cannot discover a mutual affection in any circumstance. It's how it is handled that can cause problems. I am reluctant to tell anyone what to do but as other people have posted above, trying to have both professional help and pursue a personal relationship with the same person is a recipe for disaster. The power imbalance alone is a huge obstacle for a genuine relationship.

So move to another psych and pursue you romance after a few months. By then you may find the excitement has gone and you no longer have feelings for her. Or it may be the greatest romance since Romeo and Juliet.

Good luck

Mary

[MrsCam]

personally I think your therapist telling you she gets butterflies when she thinks about seeing you and that she loves how excited she gets about seeing you is rather inappropriate. My advice would be to stop seeing her in a professional context asap and find yourself another therapist. If in time you feel you want to pursue a friendship or romantic relationship with this woman then that is a seperate issue all together but professionally she is out of line

[Gbomb]

Hi

I have learnt the hard way it is not a good idea to form a 'close personal relationship' with your therapist. I started seeing one in 2019. He slowly formed a 'friendship' with me over the next 2 years. FB friends.Texting each other several times a day.  Inviting me out for coffees and other social events. Recruiting me to do an  expensive course where he was one of the lecturers and examiners with an US course provider that turned out to be a cult. He promised me that I'd be able to earn money from the course but it turns out the qualifications were not worth the paper they were written on and the only people making money were the course providers. He moved into my house when his wife threw him out after a spat. He told me I was not to tell anyone he was there. It ended up being a very  one-side abusive relationship where ironically I became his carer and support.  When I tried to discuss with him the issues in the friendship and the stress it was causing, he'd gaslight, deflect and otherwise turn the blame totally onto me. I eventually woke up to him and saw a clinical psychologist who pointed out 1) it was not my fault, 2) it was his job to ensure a friendship did not form, and 3) it was very  likely he had a cluster B personality disorder. I ended up throwing him out of the house and leaving the course with the cult because they tried to tell me he'd done nothing wrong. His reaction was to send me texts to say that he found my friendship creepy and he could not be friends with me on an equal basis because of my disability. It took a year to recover enough to report him. All that happened is they suspended him for 6 months, put through a short course and then let him return to being a therapist. He contacted me after a month of being allowed to return to work. I stupidly answered his email though I thought I'd blocked him. No sign of remorse of his behaviour. Only regret that he'd been caught. Despite my receiving a report he'd found guilty of 1)failing to provide a safe environment for therapy, 2) attempting to dissuade me from taking my meds, 3) forming a close personal relationship, and 4) financially exploiting me.

Honestly, you are better off not getting entangled with your therapist. Their risks of getting trauma bonds from the difference in the skewed power dynamic are too great and the emotional damage is high. 

[42 lady]

Dear Skaters,

thank you for sharing this, I say this with compassion, you may not want to hear this but her behaviour amounts to professional misconduct. She may never deal with the consequences (if no one reports her) but if you continue to see her you will be the one who is harmed- I have been through grooming and abuse by a former Psychiatrist and even though he is not practicing anymore  I still live with the effects-PSTD doesn't go away. I would not wish what happened to me on anyone. I struggle to trust any male doctor I meet and still cannot have a healthy intimate relationship with a man (subsequent relationships followed a similar pattern of manipulation and abuse). Please protect yourself, find another therapist. A good therapist will have boundaries and not abuse the power imbalance and betray your trust, no matter how strong your feelings are. She may well have feelings for you, but any future 'relationship' will never be equal or ethical. It's not worth the risk to your mental health. She is getting paid to treat you, you should not have to 'protect' her or hear about her life. Take care of you.