In the pits again

[Dan145]

I'm new to posting here about my experiences, but this is my fourth or fifth year living with depression? (I think)

It's been a pretty steady decline these past few years; to the point where these changes have been so gradual, that these avoidant/anxiety relieving behaviours (declining social things, social anxiety, over eating,(not good food either), over sleeping, over thinking, drinking (not too much, but drinking to get drunk nonetheless), have crept their way in so silently, that I feel like a 'new me' has come to exist. And now, its like one small part of me thinks 'hang on, what has just happened' (kind of like a house party that has gone of for 4 years straight, and you're now starting to notice the unsavoury types that have made their way in to your house).

I've very strategically (and cleverly might I add) constructed a social circle around me that doesn't exist, so I don't have to endure socialising and enjoying things. This in turn develops deep anxiety within me, as i'm becoming increasingly aware of this passage of time that is quickly being filled with my inaction to do things I enjoy, seeing people I want to see, sustaining relationships in general. It truly has reached a point where me sitting around all day, watching videos and movies on the internet mindlessly as I quietly acknowledge the fact about how im wasting my life away in a digital world of never-ending entertainment and getting my dopamine hit, rather than facing my problems, has become my life (PS: if anyone has any good tips of overcoming YouTube/movie/internet addiction, because my impulsiveness tells me it is an addiction, I would really appreciate that)

The fact that I have recently decided to quit my job as a primary school teacher without any idea of other things I want to do is also snowballing things right now. Teaching is something I love, but it feels that my nervous system is so shot that I cant even concentrate sufficiently, which is a must with school kids. My mind is clouded, I'm stressed about income, the fact that im cloudy about thinking about what I want to do flares up anxiety, which makes me clouded with anxiety rather than coming up with solutions (feedback loop from hell, if anyone has read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***, great book ). I feel a general hum of confusion and career misdirection. I guess im just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar spot that I am right now, and if anyone could help a fellow struggler out, cause I am struggling.

[Croix]

Dear Dan, even before I welcome you here might I say that if you have not already irrevocably ended your job, please pause, at least until you have read this.

OK, so welcome here, a place were others will understand your predicament and may be able to give you some perceptive. I think it was a wise move, even if hard, to make that post. Maybe a step towards better things.

As a person who has bouts of depression, anxiety and other matters your behavior reminds me of times in my life

You are intelligent, sensitive and able to build up defenses against a life that had become onerous. You no longer enjoyed socialization or teaching, feel your thinking cloudy, and frankly are not in the best of positions to make balanced decisions.

May I ask if you have sought medical treatment? If not now wold be an excellent time to book a long consultation with your GP, and set out what has been happening and how you have been feeling, from the drink to the resignation, all of it. If talking face to face is too hard simply print out your post, that should be enough to get things started.

I kept getting worse and eventually was invalided out of my job due to lack of proper medical support, and only improved when the treatments became appropriate. Apart from doctors, do you have anyone, a parent, partner, freind who is there for you and will care? Another to help with the burden, to lean on, is a wonderful thing.

You worry about YouTube and the rest. I escaped from my world though books, and it kept me isolated from many of my thoghts and troubles. As the need passed with improvements in my conditon so the desperate need to distract myself lessened. I still read for enjoyment, but it is now in proportion in my life.

I'd like it if you came back and talked some more

Croix