I want to give up

[smidgen]

I'm new here. Female, early 50's. I feel like a prisoner, hopeless. I don't want to try. It's too complicated. It's too hard. So tired. Don't know why I writing this. Maybe wondering if anyone has felt like me and escaped this prison.

[White_Rose]

Dear Smidgen

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Thank you for posting here.

I presume you have depression, is that right? I know the feelings well. Tired, unmotivated, lonely, feeling trapped. It is hard to cope with these things. How long have you felt like this? I can tell you I have felt this way and still do on occasions. It does feel like a prison whether or not you can get out of your house.

There is a slight feeling of distance between you and others and although you wear a mask all the time it does not make you happy. In fact you would like someone to really ask you how you feel and sit with you for a while.

You will be pleased to know you can get well again. The first step is to write in here to BB -accomplished. The second step is to make a long appointment with your GP and talk about how you feel and what is happening in your life. Would you like to talk to us here about your life, hobbies, family etc. Whatever you want.

Be as open as you can with your GP as he/she cannot do much without knowing about you. Your GP may prescribe an antidepressant for you. I know many people do not like taking meds but if you have the right one it can help you climb out of your hole into the sunshine. You may also be referred to a psychologist or psychiatrist. These people can help you a great deal.

Would you write in again and tell us how you are going.

Mary

[smidgen]

Thank you for replying Mary.

I have depression and anxiety with panic attacks. I think I have been dealing with this to some degree my whole life as much as I can remember. I don't feel there has ever been a time in my life that was good. When I was about 30, separated from my husband and with a young son, I came to realise or accept that I had mental health problems and asked for help. So over the past 20+years I've tried many antidepressants and suffered side effects. I've also seen a few psychologists. Currently I am taking an antidepressant and seeing a psychologist.

I have always been quiet and shy. Reluctant to make friends. I live on my own and only leave the house if I have to. I live in public housing on a disability pension and don't have a car. My son has moved interstate with his father and my other family live about 1.5 to 2 hours away. I used to have pets but they have passed away and although I miss them I don't want the responsibility any more.

I spend time watching TV and on the computer.

[White_Rose]

Hello Smidgen

Thanks for replying. I am so sorry you have been in this situation for so long. What happened with all your previous psychologists? I have depression and have had panic attacks in the past. Not so many these days for which I am heartily thankful. Do you know what triggers your panic?

I imagine staying indoors for the majority of your time would become boring. Am I right. When I first became depressed I could not stand being in my house alone all day. I was working at that point and although the psychiatrist wanted me to have sick leave I said I would only stay at home for half the day and so it was arranged. I recovered to a large extent and retired eight years ago.

I understand that if you are a quiet person it would be difficult to make friends. Are there any organisations near you that need volunteers doing work that you would be comfortable doing? Working in this way can give a huge feeling of satisfaction and help to lift your mood.

Have you been seeing this psychologist for long? And more to the point, has it helped you? I was so very sad to read your email. I expect you know much better than me about the effects of antidepressants. I could never tolerate SSRIs but my GP prescribed a medication from the Tricyclic group and I find it very effective. Doesn't stop me feeling miserable at times but then I guess everyone goes through the miserable times whether or not they are depressed. More to the point there are no side effects. Once I had been taking it for a while I was amazed at how much it helped me.

How would you like us to help you? If you go to the BB Social Zone you will find several virtual cafes where you can eat and drink to your hearts content. There are a number of games placed there by those who are good at developing games. Perhaps you would like to join in one or more of these. Do you write poetry? There is a thread where you can post your verse. Browse the forum and join in anything you like. No one is going to hurt you in any way. Indeed they will be very welcoming.

Keep writing in. There will be others along to chat to you.

Mary

[smidgen]

As for my previous psychologists, the first one I saw thru Community Health and she got transferred, the second one I didn't like so much, I got bored and suppose I gave up. The third I didn't like, ended up feeling angry and gave up. The fourth was an older man and he died, I liked him a lot but I felt the therapy wasn't doing much or that I wasn't doing enough. I like my current psychologist who I've seen 7 times in about 4 months and I do feel a bit better when I see her but then I come home and feel swamped by negativity and anxiety again.

If I'm not anxious or depressed then I am usually bored. Any thing I do just feels like a temporary distraction.

I'm very surprised that a tricyclic worked for you without side effects. What I've read says SSRI's are supposed to have less side effects. But I find the whole issue about antidepressants is controversial, its not understood how they work and my own experience hasn't helped. Recently a psychiatrist wanted me to try a new antipsychotic drug but I was too scared. I don't know if the antidepressant I'm taking now is helping. I've been taking it for about 5 years. My GP suggested increasing the dose which I did for a week but I felt worse.

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is supposed to be very effective but I am struggling with it.

Currently what I'm most anxious about is my stomach. I've been getting weird feelings in my stomach for years and finally the doctor wants me to have an endoscopy which terrifies me. Seeing doctors and having tests and the waiting feels unbearable to me.

[White_Rose]

Hello Smidgen

You have had your share of psychologists. It is important that you feel comfortable with whoever you are talking to. I don't think I have had a psych who died.

You have certainly done your research. I know tricyclic AD had bad press back in the day. My GP told me these drugs have a more general application and I think it's possibly it's that more general effect that helps me. The side effects of SSRI have been horrendous, but then I get side effects from medication prescribed for other reasons. Blood pressure meds make me incredibly tired. anti-inflammatory meds cause problems with my stomach. So I take neither which is a bit of a blow if my arthritis decides to come out and play. Pain meds are the same unless I only take only a few and occasionally.

I think it's a common problem of feeling OK while we are in the counselling room. It feels like being out of time and space. The place is non-threatening, we are being listened to and taken seriously. That's a pretty safe place to be. Then we leave and the world rushes back into our lives. It may be worthwhile talking about this with your psych and look at ways of combating these feelings. I used to dread leaving and almost decided not to go again because of these horrible feelings. Many years ago when I talked to a psychiatrist I asked why this happened but he would never explain or help me get over being distressed. It used to take about 2-3 days to get it out of the way.

It may be that you need a medication review, especially if you feel the AD is not as effective as previously. Something to discuss with your GP.

I found CBT hard to understand and therefore didn't get any benefit. I found the psych dressed it up and gave me a chart to fill in at different times. Since he was very bad at explanations I didn't get far. There are other therapeutic theories and processes. I think CBT is seen as the easiest for patient and therapist. It may be useful to talk with the psych about other therapeutic programs. You most definitely need to be challenged.

I can see how you would be nervous about trialling a new drug. I tried one once. I was off with the fairies. I remember talking to the psych and saying all sorts of rubbish while he laughed at my reaction.

I have had several endoscopies, mainly because of anti-inflammatory meds. It's not scary I find. Fasting before hand is the hardest. Once you are asleep it's OK. Are you going through the public system?

Mary

[smidgen]

Once again well said Mary.

I have educated myself over the years reading a lot about psychology and medication as long as it wasn't too complicated so that's helped. Lots of information can be overwhelming tho. Changing habits/behaviour and challenging thoughts/beliefs is hard. When my mood gets very bad I find it very hard to be rational/logical.

We're all different so I'm curious if you felt therapy was helpful for you or if you felt medication helped most?

Yes my endoscopy will be in a public hospital on a 90 day waiting list.

[White_Rose]

Hello Smidgen

Interesting question, meds or talk. I'm not sure. What I do believe is that I needed a base to work from. I think this was provided by the ADs. I have always had strong emotional reactions to many of life's niggles, including depression. It's as though I have been dumped on by a huge wave, cannot breathe or fight my way to the top, panic stricken and very afraid. Over the years I have taken SSRIs and they did not do much I felt in the way of giving me a good base to start from.

Since I started taking my current meds this has changed. I feel generally more calm and find it easier to look at what is happening to me. I have not had a panic attack for several years although I think there is some panic in my reactions to being overwhelmed. As I have become used to feeling more comfortable I have been able to absorb more from both my GP and psychiatrist. They are both great ladies.

At the beginning of 2016 I was so much better and able to manage myself with greater success. In September of that year I received a huge shock. Too emotional at the moment though six months ago I could talk about it easily. I was getting better and had about six months where it was noticeable to others that I was functioning well when the next whammy hit a month ago. Despite being extremely distressed I am coping . A few years ago I would be lost.

I have entertained thoughts of suicide in the past but lost those thoughts in the six months before the last event. What I am pleased about is this has not sent me back to suicidal thoughts. I was talking to my GP about this and she was very pleased. So despite being angry, which I believe comes from fear, and feeling very betrayed, I am coping.

To answer your question, I think it is a combination of meds and therapy. The AD helped to smooth out my thinking and provide a solid base for me to work from. With the help I am now receiving I can see myself much better, though it's not always a good look. I am able to put actions into place to manage those bad bits when they crop up.

The third part of the management is my support circle. I talk to various people on BB, have a great GP and psychiatrist, some friends who will listen. I am finding activities which do not trigger something unpleasant and at the same time I find I am able to tolerate some of those triggers which is making me stronger.

I hope that helps.

Mary

[Guest_128]

Hi Smidgen,

You have found a very special person in Mary,

This here,BB is going to be the best medication you can get.

As for normal medication,if you are confident with your Drs I think you should try, I just think what have you got to loose.

I know pets can be hard work and it's so very sad when we loose them.

They help us so much,they understand.

There are a lot of people on here, lots of all sorts of threads.

Dory💐

[smidgen]

Thankyou Mary, that was interesting. I'm glad you're coping despite your recent troubles.