I can’t find tears anymore to cry

[Rhiannon20]

Before any of this I was really battling with my depression and anxiety and am gonna be starting up therapy soon but on the 9/10/17 I got the worst news of my life from my Dad that my Pop had been in a accident in Thailand the day before and was hit by a car riding his bicycle..... he fought for 11 whole days and for those whole 11 days there was so so so so many tears shedded but then when I found out he couldn’t hold on any longer and passed away I was in shock, I couldn’t cry. I was actually out watching my friend sing when I had found out and she was just finishing up, I had ran off to the bathrooms just shaking so much she said she had never seen someone shake so much before but even then I couldn’t cry because I kept getting all these drunk people coming up to me at the same time to check if I was okay. I was glad I want alone and had my friend with me that day to comfort me.

But the thing is I want to cry, I can feel every little bit of emotion going through me like I normally would when someone passes away but I just can’t find the tears anymore 😞

And now too busy worrying about my Aunty that is stuck over there still and can’t leave till all his medical bills are payed and if they aren’t payed they won’t let us get him cremated 😞

I have so many different emotions going through me right now. Is it normal to not cry when someone passes away? I want to cry tho I need to cry that’s the thing

[Croix]

Dear Rhiannon~

I'm very sad for you, I've lost people that were close, including a partner, and know how grief can be.

The body and mind seems to be going two different directions at once, part wanting and needing to cry, and part resisting and hanging on to control. I suspect that was why you shook so much.

I've got a sort of theory, there may have been times ages ago when to give way to grief when a loved one came to harm was not good for immediate survival, so the body and mind tried to put grief to one side until later. That idea 'feels right' inside me.

When my partner died I would have loved to have cried straight away or later or at the funeral or whenever, but I remained dry eyed. I did try being quiet by myself, but it did not help, the hurt was massive but no outward sign or release of tension. Later things were different and the tension eased.

I guess all anyone can do is hang on and let grief sort itself out. Being with family and friends is probably the thing, others might need your comfort or be so distraught they need your practical help. Then again another crying may suddenly release your tears too.

Croix

[Rhiannon20]

Thank you for replying back, he got cremated today and I got sent photos and a video.... but when I watched the video I just lost it I completely lost it. It was like watching a horror movie 😭 Thailand must be different so they must not hide that kind of stuff but when I saw it oh my goodness!!

I think it’s actually just hit me now that he’s really gone and not in a hospital bed dying instead. I feel as tho I needed to see if for my body to fully regsister he is not coming back.

I wish I could be with family but I have no family where I live and literally no joke only one friend where I live as I moved nearly 2 years ago and yet to meet people so I guess I’m struggling because all I want is to not be alone during this. I’m supporting my family as much as I can over phone but it’s hard. I even raised $1000 for them for Pop.

I am so so sorry about your partner, I couldn’t imagine what that would feel like 😞 Hugs

[monkey_magic]

Dear Rhiannon20,

Champion reply from Croix, I especially liked what he said about hanging onto control which I believe a lot of us do.

What a massive thing to be going through. There's no right or wrong here and the tears will again fall naturally when they do, perhaps you are in shock and still want to hold on to him, my condolences!

I'm like you sometimes I can't cry and then a song, something sad in a show, something I read etc can bring the crying back to the surface again, it sounds as though you need plenty of hugs. You will get there.

Being "numb" can be part of the process for some of us as well, I know I've gone numb when I've lost people, so don't despair.

You are healing, so please be kind and gentle on yourself, it's one of the hardest things you'll have to face, you will get through this.

It's great you are seeing a therapist and very brave, I have a lot of confidence in you.

Feel free to keep writing and there will be acknowledgment, support, and wisdom offered by the BB family 🙂

[White_Rose]

Dear Rhiannon

This is such a painful time for you. I remember when my mom died. She was in the UK and I was here. No chance to say goodbye and I suspect this is part of what's happening to you. There is a comfort, I say this with all reverence, in being physically able to see your Pop. Part of your grief may be because it's harder for you to accept his death. I know that was true for me. I was also distressed when my dad died and I kept expecting him to walk into the house.

I think when your mind allows you to believe your Pop has really gone you will be able to cry. And of course the effects of shock on you can keep you too tense to release your feelings. It will happen, it really will and you will start to heal.

MM has said a piece of music etc has the power to release your tears. It is so true. Please stop worrying about your tears, especially if you are thinking you are at fault in some way if you do not cry. I have known many people whose loved one has passed away and they do not cry immediately.

We humans are peculiar at times and deep hurt such as yours has to go through a time of believing the person is dead before we can mourn and cry. You are doing well. Trust yourself.

Mary