I want to end my life

[Justin95]

Hi My name is Justin. I’m new here at beyondblue and I don’t know much about it but I’m hoping I can get some support because of what I’m going through. Let me explain: in 2017 I dropped out of high school year 10 because I had some anxiety, people would constantly sniffle and cough during classes, this type of sneaky bullying destroyed my developing mind. I was then stuck at home depressed and hopeless then my Aunt started sniffing so I told her to leave my house live in the garage, then she developed cancer but I still couldn’t live with her because of her sniffing. My Aunt died at the hospital , I was then kneeling at the hospital bed where my Aunt died then someone started coughing it was one of the nurses, so I shouted at her after just witnessing my Aunt die. After adjusting my life without my Aunt I felt depressed hopeless and stupid but my irritation to people coughing at me only returned with a vengeance. I stayed at home for 2 years in a row WITHOUT LEAVING my home. I felt like a damn BOO RADLEY. Then my next door neighbors started sneezing and coughing, so guess what I switched house. So I left my home first time in 2 years, the home movers workers also started coughing. I’ve been admitted to a mental hospital but got nothing out of it only more frustration and hopelessness .Now I’m a helpless unemployed loser taking medication and regularly visiting my psychologist; who also happens to cough but she says it’s her itchy throat which I reckon is bullsh**. These days I am planing to go back to school so I can get a good job but I am going to have to face my fears which is by all the most horrifying thing I will ever have to face. If you are reading this maybe you to want to cough. God bless me...

[Sophie_M]

Hi Justin95,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us here.

We are sorry to hear that things have been so difficult for you and that you've been feeling so frustrated and hopeless. It sounds like things have been super tough for you recently, particularly with the loss of your Aunt. Its almost no wonder youre feeling this way. It takes a lot of courage to reach out to our online community and we’re really glad that you have. We want to remind you that all life is important, including yours and you have significant strength and deserve to live a happy life.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[white knight]

Hi Justin,

Sophie has already replied with handy information as part of our support.

Many years ago I had severe anxiety and the symptom I had was exploding issues in my mind well beyond what was a measured level. Paranoia? Likely, although that isn't a nice word I think it is exactly what it is. What was needed was therapy in my case for me to learn what I hadn't learnt as a child, to keep things in their proper perspective.

Some comments he made back in 1987 include- "Tony, when are you going to stop saving the world". "You might have the Whiteknight syndrome" and "There is 8 billion grey people in the world but your thinking is black and white".

So began my journey to change towards normal thinking. I'm no psychologist so bare that in mind, just passing on my experiences.

What to gain? Well I never did change my thinking radically. I do however stop to consider if my reactions are in proportion to the problem. If so I usually take a break, have a drink and think about the situation, often ask others of their views etc before resetting and returning.

I'm pleased you are planning to return to schooling. Anything in a forward motion is worthwhile regardless is you succeed or not. Keep moving forward.

A big influence on your forward thinking is your memory of your aunt and how you blame yourself for those events. Bare in mind the events that led up to your intolerance for coughing, sniffing etc is no different to those intolerant for loud noise, dogs barking, train sounds, jet engines and so on. Your condition is a medical one so blame is not helpful. Move forward, focus on short medium and long term goals and get some more professional assistance is my wish for you.

TonyWK

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Justin,
Gee, that is a bizarre association you have and I am trying to grasp what coughing and sniffing represents to you - disapproval, fear of catching something, or even the sound alone being irritating?
As a child, I remember being chastised every time I sniffed - often with great derision at my inconsiderate behaviour and unpredictable bodily expulsions. So, it was often associated with shamefulness which led to certain fear and anxiety. Did you suffer any similar trauma to prompt your present reaction?
As an adult, I can attest to how insulting it is to hear someone cough in the middle of a recital - it is a well known sign of contempt that the performance (in their opinion) is below par. In this instance, it's coughs and shuffles that raise my shackles. I guess it could be worse - I could hear snoring!
I have no idea what to say that might help, but I commend you on your intention of returning to studies despite your aversion. As you are also older, you may better adopt tolerance or be able to dismiss/lessen any impact.... Just curious, do you ever sniff or cough?

[Shay123]

Hey Justin95!

Before I begin I'd just like to say that this is a safe place to verbalize whatever it may be that's bothering you. There is no judgement here and no one will hurt or bully you! I've been bullied myself so I understand what it's like and what it can do to a person and their mental health so I'm sorry you had to go through something like that. I'm not a mental health professional but it SEEMS like you've created a negative relationship between coughing and sneezing and judgement (i guess). If that is the case then I understand how difficult it is to break an association or relationship like that. As difficult as it may be, it's important to remember that we can't control what other people do, think or say...we can only control how we react and unfortunately with something like this it's very easy to assume that when somebody sneezes or coughs that their intentions are the same as those who bullied you in highschool but that really isn't the case. I know that's difficult to believe because it took me years to see that just because my best friend bullied me and was saying some pretty nasty things...it didn't mean that everybody else felt the same way. Maybe try asking yourself what's (realistically) the worst thing that's going to happen? If it's judgement then, I mean yea it is a possibility but again realistically what are the chances that that'll be the case? Why would they be judging you? You can get through this! We're all here to support you and guide you to people who can help! I think you're very brave for reaching out and I hope you continue to do so when you're struggling!

[Justin95]

An awful event happened to me a while back when my Uncle coughed at me for fun, but when I stood up for myself he attacked me and laughed. That might have been a trauma for me. Also I rarely cough or sniffle...

[Stui]

HiJustin,

I have read your post, thank you for sharing. I too have some quirky characteristics. Like you they seem irrational but nevertheless they do cause me anxiety to the point of being really upset. Despite that they are real to me. Some of the previous posts seem really good and I have learnt from them. The best way I have found to reduce the feelings is to simply say to myself that they are not doing it to annoy or irritate me but they have a medical condition and they cannot help it, also I feel sorry for them because maybe they were never taught good manners. Unfortunately people will cough for many reasons such as a dry throat or maybe they had a drink which they didn't swallow properly. Try to ignore it and carry on with your day. It's really good your getting back to studies and back out in the environment, just do your best that's all I every asked of my children.

[white knight]

Hi Justin,

Just wondering how you feel now?

TonyWK

[Justin95]

TonyWK

At the moment I hardly go outside because of my fear of people coughing and sneezing. I’m not feeling well right now

[white knight]

Hi again,

I'm pleased you have stayed around.

One of the problems we get here is that many of our members have problems that we cannot resolve. As life experienced people with a whole range of illnesses between us there is many situations that we cannot resolve.

For that reason I strongly urge you to seek help. GP's can make house visits. No one can assist you in your current situation but I'm certain you will get the help you need if you allow someone like a visiting GP to treat you or recommend someone.

You can do it. Life is hard, we all know that here with the challenges we have faced individually. But we need to rise up and make a go of it.

TonyWK