I think I am suffering from depression

CBRITGuy · ‎17-01-2021

Hi all,

First time poster, as have been looking through all of the resources on the site over the past 24 hours. I feel it is time to start to do something about my life and how I feel.

I think I am suffering from depression.

There are probably a lot of reasons for it, things from the past that stick around in my mind and pop their head up from time to time. I have been to counselling (EAP) in the past to help with issues to do with accusing my partner of cheating (I have been cheated on in the past a few times and there was, and likely still is, lingering issues there).

I likely, especially at this stage of how I am feeling, have an alcohol dependency. I have been drinking heavily for the past few weeks. I want to stop this dangerous cycle I am in.

My partner is a Senior Manager at the same place I work, and early in the relationship she did not want anyone to know about it (which I could understand, it was a new relationship), however we got engaged and I thought that it might change as time went on. This has been a major sticking point, and trigger of the feelings of self-loathing, worthlessness I feel, even now. At 2 Christmas parties, whilst drunk, major arguments have happened, and at other times in the year. This has of course caused her to be upset, angry, and rightfully so.

After the most recent one, I have now had to find somewhere else to live. This was because she wanted me to find somewhere to live. We actually started talking and trying to rebuild, but then an issue happened between my daughter and her son. My daughter does not want to live there anymore, and my partner feels upset that I actually found somewhere else to live, as we were trying to reconcile. However the incident with the kids made me think I needed to have a place where my daughter could feel safe. My daughter has gone to her mum's now for the second half of the holidays. I feel a little under pressure to go over there, as I have withdrawn into myself nearly completely with how I am feeling. That then upsets her and I feel even worse.

I am looking at lots of different resources, online CBT, reading articles, and calling BeyondBlue, not to mention I feel I should see my GP and also will be using EAP again.

It's just so damn hard sometimes. I don't really know what to do, but I know I need to get better.

sunnyl20 · ‎17-01-2021

Hey CBRITGuy,

Welcome to the forums. I'm really glad you have felt able to reach out. Thank you for sharing so honestly. I am really sorry to hear about what has been happening for you though - it sounds like you have got a lot on your mind. And you are right - it is hard sometimes and not knowing the way forward can feel scary. But knowing that you need to get better (and having the courage to seek help) is a great place to start.

I agree with you - seeing your GP is a good first step, they can offer you advice and support you in reducing your alcohol consumption in a safe way, and they can also help organise a Mental Health Care Plan for you (if that is something that you feel will be beneficial). They may also be able to refer you on and recommend a psychologist if that is something you think may help.

There are helpful resources out there that you may wish to look at in relation to drug and alcohol use:
- https://www.counsellingonline.org.au/ has both a webchat service and 24/7 phone support line
- The National Alcohol and Other Drug Hotline is also available 24/7 on 1800 250 015 for confidential advice (https://campaigns.health.gov.au/drughelp)

Please feel free to talk more and update if and when you feel up to it, no pressure. Give yourself the time and space that you need to work through what is happening and find the best way forward for you.

Take care.

CBRITGuy · ‎20-01-2021

Update:

I went to my GP yesterday evening and now have a Mental Health Care Plan in place, have been prescribed an initial months supply of anti-depressants, and a referral to a psychologist service as well.

Things aren't a huge amount better if I can be honest, but I have taken the first steps on the road to recovery, or at least learning how to deal with this better.

I am always here to help and talk to anyone that needs it, even though I am going through stuff myself, I always have an open ear.

smallwolf · ‎20-01-2021

hi and welcome to beyond blue.

you would have gotten the advice about the ADs from your GP yesterday - they will likely take a while to kick in. As you said, you have the taken the first steps. While it might not feel like this you have started a new journey "today" that will hopefully help you manage the issue you want to address. The site here is full of supportive and non-judgemental people who will chat with you.

A couple of other areas on the forum you can look are the staying well and social zones. You will also find threads on mindfulness and grounding.

Can I ask how long it is until you see your psychologist?

Good luck on your journey and I hope you will come back to tell us more of your story and how things are going. Perhaps think of that as form of journal which itself can be a good coping strategy. Listening to you

Tim