I should be happy 😔

[Fionablue]

I should be happy .... 3 beautiful healthy happy children. One easy going hard working husband. Financially we are not great but surviving. Kids are almost always smiling hubby always says I love you ,food on the table and roof over our head .
However I’m dying on the inside . I miss my extended family who live in another another state , I hate my 2 part time jobs which pay well so leaving them is not really an option. My mil has cancer and going through chemo and we are too far and have our commitments to be constantly there for support. Above everything I’ve had chronic carpal tunnel and knee pain and I know I’m addicted to my pain medication.
I roll my eyes at myself typical first world problems I think so I smile and carry on . The outside doesn’t match how I feel though . My internal dialogue screams how awful I feel , how desperately I have become addicted to my meds and how I feel my life is spiralling out of control.

I have ptsd from childhood trauma and take anxiety meds .

Is there anyone else like me out there?? How do you deal with this . I do see a psychologist but can’t really afford her all the time .

Thanks

[smallwolf]

Hi Fiona,

welcome to beyond blue.

I was reading your post and the one thing that jumped out at me was "first world problems". Thing is, that is how I view myself and my issues, except they are real enough to make feel low. I am on ADs and without those I do not know how bad things could get. My point is no matter how good things might look on the outside, situations and expresses can change how we feel on the inside.

Can I ask what sort of the support network you have for yourself? Is there someone that you can talk to, say, weekly? Someone who you can allow yourself to be totally honest with?

My psychologist gave me an exercise at the last session I had with her - the black dot on the paper. You have to not focus on the black dot, and I guess also look everything else that is OK for you (read me).

Lastly, and I do not know how you you have been seeing a psychologist, but I have to remind myself, how far I have come vs how far I am from being better. I find things here take time and unfortunately how much is unknown.

I lied, this the last point - this forum can be a good place to the let out your thoughts and feelings. Others will reply to you, and in the absence of all else, is helpful or is for me.

Tim

[monkey_magic]

Hi Fionablue,

You said you should be happy but in reality some things have fallen apart around you. Chronic carpel tunnel and knee pain, pain medication addiction, ptsd, 2 jobs that you hate, a mil with cancer....wow, actually that's a lot to contend with. Not only are you having to work on yourself with the ptsd and pain killer addiction but be there for your jobs, mil, husband, kids and you miss your extended family. You would be going through so many emotions so maybe happiness is on the back burner until some other things are resolved.

When I was going through a rough/hard time I swam a lot. There was something therapeutic about doing laps in the water. I currently see my doc and psychologist and write poetry.

Is your husband someone you can speak openly and honestly with?

I also call lifeline or the beyond blue line when I need them as well and they can refer you to other services.

You don't have to do all this alone or is it a good idea. I'd get as much support as possible.

♡☆♡☆

MM