I need to vent In Safety, feel free to join in.

[Mistwraith93]

I apologise for this stream of consciousness in advance, but I’m in a very bad place at the moment and need to do something other than... well... keep it inside.

im certain I will be fine later on but god it doesn’t feel like it right now. I havnt been “ok” in over a year now. I have been dealing with severe clinical depression and anxiety for years now but it was when my fiancée and partner of 12 years left me “because I can’t watch you be this sad anymore”.

That statement would almost be sweet sweet if I hadn’t then found out she had been repeatedly cheating on me for the last couple of years. Her not loving me anymore and wanting to go would have been fine. Would have hurt, but hey, it’s an honest reason I could have respected.

but finding out all the other lies and whatnot absolutely broke me. Since then Ive had a lot of trouble making new friends. I think I’m too desperate to be friendly and it comes off as dishonest, insincere or just plain weird.

It also doesnt help that at my age (26) everyone has their friendship groups pretty nailed down and breaking into someone else group can be hard.

but right now I’m at the end of my rope because I have not had any kind of social interaction with anything resembling a friend in over two months now. I keep trying to make plans, and nothing ever goes through.

i get the usual excuses/reasons, life is crazy, and getting people together when everyone’s got jobs or studies is hard. I GET that. But two months is starting to feel ether deliberate or a cruel joke.

im the person people come to to talk about all their problems. People message me for advice, and help and I’m happy to give it, but when the conversation turns away from the topic at hand, the conversation ends.

as the title suggests, this is more about venting for me than asking for help. I’m DOING all the “things” I should be doing outside of seeing a psych (I’ve used all my cheap visits, and have racked up 2000$ debt with psychiatrists following the breakup) I’m trying to reach out to people, I’m giviv them ALL the benefit of the doubt, I’m trying to meet new people through volunteer work and I’m chasing a new job.

im trying not to be desperate. But I AM desperate.

i like my alone time but I feel so horrifically and comically alone right now and there is nothing I can do apart from “keep going” for no logical reason.

there is ALOT more going in but word limits are a thing. I’m an open book, so ask away, or vent yourself if you need to.

I’ll listen.

[Guest_598]

Hello Mistwraith,

thank you so much for trusting us with your story and for reaching out. I just read your words and the first thing that drove me to write back to you is that I wanted to tell you you are not alone anymore. You have just taken a great step to surround yourself with likeminded people that are happy to be here for you with support and a listening ear (or reading eye). I know that may not appear as nice as an actual friend who is physically near but I always find that being here and speaking to people in this forum is a great relief. Because really, we are all here because we have encountered difficult stages in life and so we do not judge each other. We understand each other. So, if it helps at all, you are not alone. I, for my part, can very well understand how you must be feeling. Of course I am not you but I understand the despair, sadness and shock you must have experienced. Firstly, I am very sorry that you have had to go through this. It is great that you say you will be ok some day, but it is also great that you acknowledge that right now, you are not.

Can I ask whether you have any family members nearby and whether you get along with them? Can you reach out to them when you feel like you need some support?

And have you considered volunteering somewhere? I know it is hard to get yourself into the mindset of committing to it when everything feels heavy and difficult. I feel like that sometimes. But I also know from experience that you can meet some really nice and likeminded people that way and you can build new friendships that way. It sounds like the friends or acquaintances you have do not consider that friendship should not be a one-way street. Do you have any idea why that may be? Do you think the do not consider you or may it be that they are not sufficiently aware how you are feeling? Is there a way you could tell them or ask them for advice just as they seem to do with you? Sometimes people simply do not realise what is going on with another person. That is a little sad but it could also be rectified through better communication and honestly asking for their help. Do you feel you could ask for help and support from them at all?

Please feel free to vent as much as you like, it feels so good to get these things out sometimes. And please again remember that you have a circle of understanding and caring people right here. I hope you are good to yourself, give yourself some well-deserved self-love. 🙂

[Mistwraith93]

Hey Aussiegal81, thanks for the reply I appreciate it.


in terms of family, I’m currently looking after my parents farm while they are on holiday, and my extended family lives hours away, and I cannot leave the property for long periods of time as the animals need to be monitored.


my brother is nearby but I’ve had enough bad experiences with him throughout my life that he isn’t a social option. He is a lovely human being to everyone except his family, who he takes for granted and treats like rubbish. I’ve always been there for him, and always will be, but he has never been there for me in anyway.
case in point, when my ex fiancée left me, his response was “I still expect the full amount of rent” (we were renting from him). I get it, he had a mortgage to pay. But there was zero compassion or support. So he’s not an option.
and I actuallly have been volunteering with the YWCA at a school mentoring program, which has been very helpful and fulfilling in alot of ways, butnit very much feels like the band aid for the loneliness rather than any sort of long term treatment.
everyone is lovely and friendly, but ultimate the interaction doesn’t go beyond the volunteering sessions.

And in terms of people not knowing how I’m doing? I feel I’ve been pretty open that I’m not doing well. I’m limited with what I can say via text or Facebook because I’m terrible at writing what I’m feeling but I’m alright at saying it face to face weirdly enough.

My parents would be/have been super supportive but they’ve got so much to deal with at the moment I’ve gotta just try and lighten their load because I can see that they’re kinda unraveling as well.

seeing a psych is also... not out of the question but something I’m not likely to do again. The cost will be high, and, arrogant as this is to say, as a psychology student my sessions with them was a lot of me explaining what I’m feeling and saying what I should do, and then agreeing with me.

that was great at first but it got to a point where it felt like a significant waste of money (psychiatrist was 350$ an hour)

a big change of going to be when I go back to uni, and when I get new full time work and maybe I’ll get it together then, but right now I don’t have the energy for anything at all and the repeated failures to get out and go places with people has just been digging the hole deeper.

im trying to be optimistic, but realistically the disappointment of people bailing last minute, isn’t worth the potential of meeting them.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Mistwraith,

I felt your loneliness and deep need to have someone who has your back. Someone you can confide in and spend time with...

Sadly, it does sound as though there isn’t really anyone at the moment. I understand the ones who would be supportive, like your parents, you’re hesitant to open up to as you worry about them already having enough on their plates...

You strike me as a very caring person who is willing to put in time and effort for people around you. I think that’s a beautiful quality, so I know it’s especially hurtful when that isn’t reciprocated with people losing interest when the conversation is no longer about them, bail out last minute, etc, etc. I feel for you...

I also feel sad to hear your brother doesn’t seem to have the emotional capacity to support you (or perhaps chooses not to demonstrate that capacity towards you). Personally, I think he could have handled things better and shown more support and compassion...I think it’s particularly hurtful when you’ve always been there for him, but he will hardly reciprocate even the most basic of efforts. I know how painful one sided giving can be...

Sorry, I’m afraid that I don’t really have any suggestions or anything really helpful to say. But I just wanted to say that I’m feeling for you and reading along here.

I admire your self insight. I generally enjoy talking to people like you who have a high degree of self awareness. I also think your compassion is a lovely quality.

I know we can never replace offline friendships here, but if you want to vent or chat, just know we are here. There’s no pressure but feel free to use this space as often as you want to...

Kindness and care,

Pepper

[Mistwraith93]

Hey pepper, thanks for then kindness, I appreciate it a lot.

I think the worst part of it all is that I’m self aware enough to know what I have to do, and how I should self harm, but I’m so very very critical of myself.

i can’t have this conversation/vent like this with the people I know because they either don’t care, or can’t help because they don’t know how or just don’t have the capacity.

also as much as I always try and be kind and caring, and I always go out of my way to help the people around me, I can’t deny I have a particular hypocritical distaste for the public displays of “I’m here if you need me” I see from my friends in psychology classes.

This is for the most part because I’ve reached out to them before and been either ignored or dismissed, but I’m not even that annoyed by that.

its the lie of it, if that makes any sense. They don’t mean they’re ready to support anyone and everyone, they mean they’re ready to support the people that they already k ow and support.

and then I turn on myself and hate myself for being an asshat about kind gestures of others. Who am I to judge them for putting them selves out there for their friends. Fake or not they’re promoting that it’s ok to not be ok and I should feel worse about it just because their message isn’t for me in particular.

i dont know. Maybe I just want it to be for me. I’m the friend that gets the drunk 3am calls for a ride when I wasn’t invited on the night out, and I do that shit anyway. But ow prey that it isn’t because I’m a good person but rather because I want to be involved, or because I just don’t want the guilt if something happened

I’ve been isolated a long long time now. And with insomnia as well I have way too much time to my own thoughts.

ive analysed and re analysed damn near everything I’ve ever done and I still don’t know why meeting people and connecting with them on a deeper level than the surface level interactions we all have is so damn hard.

i test as INFJ on a Myers Briggs thing, which I don’t really believe in because it feels very horoscopey to me, but it says something along the lines of “finding friends is hard for INFJ’s” because they find they give more than they get, and therefore struggle with connection. There’s more to it than that but I’m at my character limit, but it makes me worry that I’m always going to be this alone because I’m inherently geared towards never finding enough in people because I set an unrealistic standard in my head

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Mistwraith,

I feel that I, to some extent, get where you’re coming from about how self awareness is a double edged sword. It‘s a beautiful quality, but I also think self ignorance can be its own protective mechanism at times...

In a way, I can empathise with your frustration of the somewhat flippant comments that people make. Usually, it comes from a good place or with good intentions, but there’s sometimes a lack of thought.

E.g. people saying they’re “there for you” without actually reflecting about what that really means, whether they can realistically follow through or who they are directing it at. Sorry, I know that’s not necessarily what you’re getting at, but I thought it was maybe relevant in a roundabout way...

I think most of us humans have a desire for meaningful connections, & if that isn’t met, we sometimes resort to all kinds of behaviours to try to fill that emotional need. E.g. being there for anyone & everyone to feel “needed”, letting anyone (including toxic relationships) into our lives because we think having someone is better than no one, constantly socialising but still feel a void because none of it is actually meaningful, etc.

In my own case, I used to gravitate towards anyone who would give me the slightest bit of attention (good or bad, but especially bad attention). I was so desperate to feel less alone that there was minimal discernment in choosing friends (& even exes). Anyone would do! I really mean, anyone.

I feel for your loneliness. I think that I understand your need for deeper connections. That is what I’m currently searching for too. I agree, it’s hard...really hard.

What I have been doing is I have been reflecting on my existing network, & realised there were huge problems & gaps. So I’ve been “branching out”...meeting new people to try to forge new connections.

It’s a lot of trial & error...95% of people, I either don’t necessarily like or don’t wish to forge those deeper connections with...so I keep trying till I find those rare gems.

I suppose what I’m suggesting is, at least for me, it’s about putting myself out there, with the understanding that it might take a lot of time (& meeting a whole variety of people) before I find/build those deeper connections....

In your case, you strike me as introspective, insightful, sensitive & thoughtful, so it just might take you a little longer (than most) to find people that get you. I believe they’re out there, the hardest part is finding them...

Kindness & care,

Pepper