I need someone to talk to about this

H1989 · ‎29-10-2017

I’m constantly struggling with the fact of wether or not I’m worthy for help. I struggling in silence I don’t know if it’s a combination of being too stubborn and feeling like depression and anxiety is beating me because I feel I can’t handle this alone. or not feeling like my mental health is valid because I am lucky to have the life I have. It’s amazing how dark your head can get and how well you can disguise how aweful you feel. I hate my head, it’s a mean place I obsess I get stuck in loops of self doubt that I can’t escape. I get frustrated with myself as I feel I can’t properly function as a normal human being, but things appear normal on the surface. I’ve feel I’ve lost all passion for things that I enjoyed. I don’t even know what I enjoy anymore. I don’t have an outlet to escape or relax. I’m holding onto to toxic thoughts and crippling sadness but some how I manage to function I go to work, I just cry in the car on the way and suck it up and get another day over with. My life feels like I’m constantly sleep walking, I feel like a zombie. The thing is I am such a lucky person in the sense that I have a beautiful family and a loving partner so many other people have it so much worse. I don’t know why I get like this I can’t definitely say this one thing is why I feel this way. Which makes it all the more confusing when I don’t know what tiggers it. The only way I can understand it is a combination of stress and past experiences that have bottled up and manifested into this toxic cloud. I’ll be functioning and then it hits me hard. I feel I can’t handle stress at all and makes me feel pathetic. I’m just so tired of feeling so fragile. I’ve tried to get help before but I can never see anyone because it clashes with work. It takes so so much courage for me to even get to that doctors appointment. I feel this forum might help I need some where to talk because I do need some help and I’m feeling so lost.

White_Rose · ‎29-10-2017

Dear H1989

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. This is a good place to talk about depression and anxiety as you are anonymous. I would like to help you find some way out of your present lifestyle. You sound very unhappy.

All the feelings you have described sound like depression, but, I hasten to add, I am not a doctor so cannot make that determination. I understand the difficulty of getting an appointment with your GP when you are at work all day. These days many medical practices offer evening appointments. Perhaps it's worth checking out with your GP practice.

Many people write in here wondering why they feel so bad when they have a great life including loving partner and children. Sadly depression is no respecter of persons. The black dog bites wherever he can and it often comes like a bolt from the blue. Not a lot of point wondering why you unfortunately. Put your efforts into getting well again.

When you tried to get help was this from your GP or a counsellor/psychologist/psychiatrist? Again I think many of these people offer night time appointments.

You are most definitely worthy of being helped. You are worthy of living a good life with your family. When you get thoughts about being unworthy try to remember it is the black dog speaking. It needs to be taught some manners and to walk to heel.

Struggling in silence is such a common thing to do so please take heart you are not the only one. I refused to admit anything was wrong until I collapsed in tears at work. The whole office went quiet, can you imagine?

It's very difficult to get these thoughts out of your head. We all know how difficult it is and it's a catch 22 situation. The more these thoughts stay in your head, the more they multiply. It's really a good idea to get help with this. As a first aid suggestion, can you make a list of things to think about? Hopefully enjoyable activities, but thought you can concentrate on, but it must be a good thought. Plan your next holiday, birthday party, present for your wife. Make a list and keep it handy to refer to whenever these toxic thoughts intrude.

It's not a cure but will help to start on your journey to wellness. Please let me know how you get on and that you have made that important appointment.

Mary

dragonflies · ‎29-10-2017

Hi H1989,

You are definitely worthy of help. No one should have to feel the way you feel. You pretty much described me in your post. I refused to get help for 5 years. Only 6 months ago did I realise I really wasn't ok and something was actually wrong with me. All I could think about was leaving. Constantly. I hope you are not in that place at the moment and I really hope you can seek help so you don't have to go down that path of thoughts.

I have a fortunate life too. I kept thinking this is just me, this is just who I am and who I am going to be for the rest of my life. I believed I had no reason to justify how I felt. Infant I thought I was horrible for feeling that way when there are people out there who have it way worse off than I do. Took me a long time to accept I had depression. Still find it hard to say to this day - I like to call is down or sadness. However my sadness made me push every aspect of my life away, including all relationships except my dad and sister. I hope your partner can be there for you in your time of need and help to support you.

I reckon posting on this forum is going to be your first step to recovery, I have had my account for a while and posted about a month ago and its helped me beyond expectation. Please feel free to share more if you want and to chat, I can be here to listen.

dragonflies

H1989 · ‎05-11-2017

Thankyou Mary. I went back to the doctor for the third time. I’ve Had such a bad experience with previous doctors,it was hard enough to muster the courage to go in the first place. Being so fragile made it worse. But I found a great doctor and I now have some hope.

H1989 · ‎05-11-2017

Thankyou dragonflies just getting it all out is the first step. I’ve gone back to seek help. I need to find my happiness again. Thanks for listening and not making me feel so alone.

geoff · ‎05-11-2017

hello H1989, you've had some great feedback already, but it doesn't matter how much you love your family or even being a situation where you think nothing can possibly go wrong, that's the most common faux pas we have all been caught in, and that's what makes us so annoyed, because we believe it shouldn't happen, and yes, there could be different people who might be suffering worse off, but that's not the point here, we're talking about you and no one else.
Each post has to be taken on its own merits, so we can't compare you to anyone else.
There are different situations which may trigger you feeling like this, you may know them, but can't identify or associate what they are and that's where a psychologist can help find them for you so that you can avoid them happening.
See if you start work an hour earlier so that you can leave earlier, is one option, while some therapist may work in the evening, so you need to ask them.
Rely on your doctor as home base, in other words as soon as you get stick in a situation go back and have a chat with them. Geoff.

White_Rose · ‎05-11-2017

Hello H1989

Congratulations on clicking with good GP. It makes a world of difference. How are you feeling? You said you had some hope and that is fantastic. May I ask what your doctor suggested

We are always here to listen to you but it may take a little while to answer. BB is not set up as a chat room. So if that's OK with you then please talk here. Dragonflies said, You pretty much described me in your post, and that true of many here including me. Presenting a 'normal' appearance is also a common trick. The thought of being seen as less of a person is hard to take.

Holding on to your thoughts is not helping at all. Living in that toxic cloud poisons your body and also stops you seeing the real world out there. Ridding yourself of these thoughts is important. Not an easy process and one that will work more efficiently with a professional guide. While you are going through the process of getting help you can start the process yourself. Start a journal and write down all the things that bother and upset you.

Having a bad day? What started this? Feeling miserable for no apparent reason, describe your feelings. Write about your daily happening and see where you get upset. Write about conversations and worries, in short write about everything that happens to you. Once written you cannot go back and change it and you must not read the journal for several months after you start. I say this because distance does make a different. Hopefully you will be getting some help soon and may never want to read your journal. That's OK.

When/if you want to read what has been written I think you will be surprised at your clarity of thought. Writing is different to thinking. The slowness of writing compared to the speed of your thoughts is significant. It allows you to stand back a little and write more concrete statements. There is no need to worry about losing your thread because it is there in front of you. Try it and see how you feel in a few days time.

If you keep up the writing you will find you are ruminating far less during the day. As you write some absurdities become apparent while more important thoughts get into your mind. Love to know how you get on, but don't wait for a couple of months.

Mary