I need a release!

[rhombusslope]

Hi, I have been feeling depressed and I’m not sure who to talk to. I was in therapy for 5 years but haven’t been for about 3 years. Felt everything was good and healthy for such a long time, but started to dip back into depressive thoughts about 2 months ago. I’ve become mean and irritable at work, which makes me feel worse and more anxious. I hate complaining because, on paper, my life is good. I’ve stopped talking to my friends, and when they reach out, I act bored and uninterested which isn’t a great incentive for them to keep wanting to talk to me. I seem to purposefully isolate myself which makes me angrier and more depressed. I feel like my lack of social skills and low energy and impatience with other humans is a curse - how can I navigate through work and my goals if I can’t face others without feeling like I’m being awful and rude? Sometimes I feel like having introverted traits isn’t adaptive in our society, where the focus is on friends and connections and talking and laughing. I find conversation hard, and if I’m not being entertaining, no one seems to have an interest in me. I’m about to turn 30 and all my friends are single and still seem to be having fun. I’ve got a lovely partner, and just bought a house, but it feels like this made everything worse and none of my

friends seem to have much in common with me anymore (ie, not going out, having to penny pinch, doing renovations and working extra hours). I’m not sure what I need but would be nice to hear from others transitioning from 20s to 30s or older people who’ve been through this already. Right now, it seems like life is all work and no fun! 

[Bob_22]

Hi rhombusslope,

Thanking for posting to these forums and sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear that you've been feeling more depressed and isolated lately. I usually find those two come in hand in hand unfortunately. 

30M here who has experience of Major Depressive Disorder and is currently struggling financially/looking for work! Transitioning to your 30s is very difficult and I know can be a huge step. Its often seen as a milestone but many people feel they have not achieved what they initially thought they would and feel inadequete as a result. I'm no exception, but have found through my experience of depression during my 20s I have learnt three values which are far more important than external achievements - those being patience, resilience and hope. I've learned that there isn't much that's more important than your mental health and once you have that under control everything else comes about in a much more organic, easy and healthier fashion. I know it can be frustrating to hear but is very important to consider long term I found.  

I know you mentioned life feels like all work and no fun at the moment. Are there any hobbies, sports or other activities that you are interested in and never had the chance of doing? I know alot of my friends have gotten into new endeavours when reaching their 30s. Also, have you considered revisiting your doctor/psychologist with this increasing withdrawal/lack of energy? Its always healthy to touch base with our mental health team even when things are going well. I have made the mistake of stopping following their advice when things have been good to my own peril unfortunately haha.

Please keep us updated and I hope some of this helps! 🙂💙

Bob

[Sophie_M]

Dear rhombusslope
 
We are glad you reached out this evening for some helpful advice on what you are going through at the moment, and thank you to Bob_22 for the kind words of encouragement!
 
We can feel your dilemma and your concern, it takes a lot of courage to acknowledge that things aren’t feeling too great right now and that you are beginning to have depressive thoughts.  As Bob_22 noted it might be a good idea to check in with your GP to talk about these thoughts and possibly re-engage in therapy, particularly given it worked well for you in the past.
 
It’s a tricky transition period approaching those thirty-something years.  It’s so easy to compare circumstances with those around you which takes the focus away from where you are at and what you truly want for your future.  As Bob_22 kindly points out, it is important to remember that your best years are ahead of you rhombusslope and maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your goals & values so that you can realign your life structure with meaning and purpose and above all hope for the future.
 
If ever you feel like you want to talk, you can pick up the phone anytime or chat to our counsellors here at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636 or via our Webchat. 
 
You were hoping to hear from someone who has experienced this in the past so thank you to Bob_22 for your support this evening, please keep us updated on how you are going and thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.
 
Regards 
 
Sophie M
 

[rhombusslope]

Thanks Bob_22 - the advice on prioritising mental health is really helpful to hear. It tends to take a back seat when other things feel more urgent, so when it rears it’s head again and I’ve not actively practised those skills, it feels like ‘no progress’ (whatever that means!) has been made. Ergo, starting that negative spiral of thinking like ‘aw I thought I’d got over this??!!’. Good reminder that good mental health underpins everything.

thanks Sophie_M! I did reach out to my uni counsellor so I’ll book in an appointment and just go over everything. Also apologised to some colleagues for being snarky and rude lately and that made me feel a lot better. I actually looked at my values the other week and found I’m not 100% aligning in terms of my leisure / spiritual side (ie taking the time to be in nature, connect with others, be kind and think positive thoughts) so you are on the money there. Might try make some goals to get me back on track.

thanks to you both for your replies, I already feel a bit better 🙂

[Bob_22]

Hi rhombusslope!

Thank you so much for your update. Its great to hear that you're starting to feel better. It is also great that you're reaching back out to your uni counsellor to unpack some things. I hope the session goes well and that you can start seeing them semi-regularly again. I know it feels like another responsibility but it does help having someone you can speak to and sometimes reassure you. Especially when you feel that life has stagnated or you aren't making much progress. Please continue to share your story as others might learn something that they can apply to their own lives. And remember to take care of yourself, reward yourself for small victories and maybe try things that you've always wanted to but never had the chance. e.g. I've always wanted to read some classics

Thanks again for the update and I look forward to any future updates to come! 🙂💙

Bob

[yggdrasil]

Hi rhombusslope,

I also went through a period where I became depressed, and very irritable, mean-spirited and quick to anger. Part of the solution for me was realising that I am indeed an extreme introvert. I am typically unhappy in group situations. Over time I have found things that help me feel "connected" to other people, but also give me heaps of introvert space.

For example, I took up skateboarding again during COVID. Skating is great for introverts as you can show up to the skateparks and do your own thing, but if/when you feel like it also have some casual interactions with the skatepark regulars. Even incidental interactions, like cheering/being-cheered when you/someone lands a trick creates connection to others without requiring dedicated conversation etc. 

Obviously skating isn't for everyone, but there are other activities/groups good for introverts in a similar way. I used to play in a weekly pub pool comp, and play in weekly board game groups. I've also heard there are groups that meet regularly to solve cryptic crosswords etc. These kinds of activities let you be "with" people, but not have to "deal with them" when you don't want to. 

Something else that helped me was "schema therapy", which is like a super-charged "cognitive behavioural therapy" (CBT). Personally I found it much for effective than CBT. The basic idea is you first spend time mapping out the common patterns or "traps" of unwanted thoughts/feelings/behaviours that you frequently fall into: these are called "modes" in schema therpay. You give these "modes" names, and reflect on how and why they may have emerged as valid responses to past circumstances: e.g. irritability/meanness as a defence mechanism against abusive people from your past. You then practice identifying the early warning signs of your modes, and reminding yourself that they are out-of-step with your present circumstances.

I also found "spirituality" helped a lot - but I am out of characters so will leave it there!

[rhombusslope]

hi yggdrasil, thanks for your message and your advice. It’s helpful to get another perspective on introversion as it seems the world isn’t set up for it, but you’ve done a lot of hunting around and found some fun sounding things to do 🙂 I’ll start the process myself - maybe I can join a choir or something cos I love music and we’ll be too busy singing to talk haha. I also got my diving licence a while back so maybe can find a buddy to do that with.

Thanks for the tip about your schema therapy - that sounds worthwhile! I have some experience with schema therapy but ‘modes’ are new to me. I can see how that would be helpful, especially for me as certain ‘modes’ definitely seem to reoccur and I’d like to be better prepared next time.

Thanks again for replying 🙂

[yggdrasil]

It's my pleasure - I'm glad it was helpful. A choir sounds perfect! I also sing in a choir. 

I totally agree with you that the world doesn't feel like it's set up for introverts. This may be true. It may be that the manager types who shape our world tend to be extraverts, and are more likely to implement things like open plan offices rather than introvert friendly work spaces. I remember when I was doing exams at uni a few people with social anxiety made requests to do their exams in a separate room, as being in a big space with lots of people was really hard for them, so options like that sometimes exist.

I suspect the world can also feel unfriendly for introverts because extraverts communicate in the big group/public settings that we're constantly exposed to much more than introverts, almost by definition. What I mean is that if you were to pick a piece of communication at random from a public forum (like the internet) it is more likely to be coming from an extravert than an introvert. For example, extraverts are more likely to be the people posting heaps on social media, talking the most (or the loudest) at parties or in meetings, delivering the advertising and political messaging we're constantly bombarded with, etc, etc. If all we consumed was content from these big public forums, us introverts could perhaps get a mistaken impression of what the "average" person is like, perhaps making us feel more alone or unusual than we actually are.

I think you can remedy this by limiting the time you spend in big public communication settings, like on social media, professional conferences, and so forth, and when these things are necessary, building in quality introvert time as well. Remember history is full of outstanding introverts, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to spend lots of time alone.

[Bob_22]

I will second that the world is full of outstanding introverted people! 🙂💙

[rhombusslope]

Ok I love that perspective - this would be a great campfire chat (or, ironically, a TED talk). I think introverts write, and extroverts talk - reading a good book taps into that feeling of kindred spirits for me. 

It sounds like you’ve done a lot of work understanding the world and how you fit into it. Hoping to get back to that comfy and confident space where I’m accepting myself as I am. I felt I’d built up some decent socialising skills pre-covid but that 2-3 years more or less alone turned that on it’s head! Never felt more relaxed but it made it harder to integrate back into ‘normal life’! Thanks again for sharing your experience - I feel less alien now 🙂