I miss the mania...

[Israphel]

Is this a horrific way to be feeling?

I am a NIDA graduate come Barrister with Bipolar-II, severe insomnia (2hrs sleep at most per 24hr block), and schizophrenia (visual and smell, not auditory). Because of a breakdown I had four years ago I rapidly became too scared to socialise (social anxiety) and have since become agoraphobic. I've just started treatment this year, having a psychologist and psychiatrist do home visits; it's amazing how extremely difficult it is for people with agoraphobia to get any medical care, especially GP care, that will come to the home.

I've started CBT with the psychologist but my psychiatrist, doesn't seem all that switched on. He's put me on a mood stabiliser and anti-depressant for the BP-II, ignores my concerns over the insomnia, and after having a bad reaction after switching anti-depressant meds, he's told me to just stop everything, focus on the CBT, and ride it out until he can see me next in Feb '15. 

 I guess this suits me. I miss the mania, I truly do. Taking the medications made me feel unfathomably bored; I don't feel like myself - I lost my sense of me. I've lost interest in everything I once had a passion for, I can no longer write creatively, I'm no longer quick witted... Absolutely nothing interests me; as an agoraphobic, that's not exactly a good thing since I'm very limited in regards to accessible stimuli. I'm a pretty flamboyant kind of guy, larger than life usually, very theatrically inclined; now I lack the energy to do anything - I'm pushing myself to write this.

To me the

dark, surging, spiralling void of depression seems to be worth the bouts of mania.

So... Am I the only one who feels this way, and is it wrong to feel like this?

[Jersey_Girl]

Hi Israhpel,

I suffer from Schizo affective disorder as a result of a breakdown 7 years ago and I am finding each day a struggle. I am on medication to combat paranoia and antedepressants for severe depression. I, like you have lost interest in everything and find it extremely difficult to motivate myself to do anything. I spend most of my day playing words with friends and reading BB posts. My day is pretty much a waste of time. I have no interest in catching up with friends or doing any of the social things I used to do. I wonder if I wasn't being medicated for paranoia would I feel better. I would rather suffer from paranoia than be like this. 

Are you working? I assume that you are like me and trying to exist with limited stimuli and limited desire to do anything.. I feel I have no purpose in life and this is a huge contrast to the fast paced life I used to lead. I can see how you would miss the mania. At least you would feel like you are alive and not just existing.

How do you manage being agoraphobic? I have been staying with my mum the past few weeks but I will go home next week and fear that I will fall into a bigger hole as I have no motivation to do groceries or even to make appointments. I guess I can have groceries delivered but then I have to find the motivation to do something with them.

I hope you get some constructive advice from your psychiatrist but I think medication is very much trial and error. Just have to be lucky to hit the jackpot. As I write this I feel that my meds might be starting to do something. I don't seem to have the brain fog I used to have.

Your post got my attention as I think that although we have different diagnosis we have a lot in common. I hope you feel the same and reply back.

Take care

[Jersey_Girl]

Hi there,

I can relate to your post in that I have no interest in anything and am extremely unmotivated. I sometimes wonder if the meds I am taking for paranoia are causing me to feel this way and would rather deal with the paranoia than live like this. I can understand that you miss the mania because at least while in that state you are busy and motivated.

You sound like you are doing it tough being agoraphobic but that too I can relate to. I have lost interest in seeing my friends and find it hard to leave the house due to lack of motivation. My social anxiety is more that I don't want people to see me like this. 

I suffered a breakdown 7 years ago and over the years have managed to go back to work only to have my condition aggravated and unfortunately am no longer working. My days is totally boring as I have no interest in anything and feel my life is meaningless. I have been staying with my mum the past few weeks but will return home next week. I am a little concerned about how I will cope but only time will tell.

I feel that we have some things in common and look forward to hearing from you

[Israphel]

Hiya Jersey Girl,

I think the meds play a definite role in the dulling of the senses; maybe that's the price you have to pay to be "normal" *sigh*

I'm not too well versed in paranoia, other than my ex, she has BPD, who has indications of a mild form of paranoia - although I think BPD and paranoia share similar traits. That's got to be a hard path to walk.

I definitely relate to your social anxiety since mine stems from the same area - I don't want to have another episode in public, having people see me and make snap judgements based on what's happening at that moment... No thanks. I know that's chaotic thinking, but I'm not quite there yet. I do suggest seeing someone as soon as possible or you'll end up like me, unable to walk to the mailbox without having a panic attack.

That's fantastic! You've shown that you have the strength and fortitude to overcome your illness, not let it define you, and not let it swallow your life. I am very sorry to hear that your condition was aggravated though, but always keep in mind that you've already overcome it once and will definitely be able to do it again; just take each day as it comes.

I can also relate to your feelings re the boredom. My days bleed in to eachother, and the only way I can distinguish date and day is by looking at my phone. The only things keeping me going, and stopping the grey matter leaking from the ears, is my desire to go out and feel the sun (I only ever go out at night, and never beyond the back porch), to go to the beach... I also crave human interaction - something other than a pathologist, psych, or GP.

We all cope in different ways, but I coped by immersing myself in the world of online gaming. I did it through uni to prevent my brain from melting, but now play every day. You also have the opportunity of making friends and socialising (I don't mean role playing either). Some people might scoff at this, but for those that are housebound, it's a godsend. You jump on and forget about things for a few hours. I suggest finding something that will occupy large chunks of time, or breaking up your day with small chores (which is a CBT method that didn't really work for me).

I look forward to hearing from you ^^;

[Jersey_Girl]

Hi there Iraphel,

I apologise for having two similar posts but i thought the first was lost in cyberland. I can relate to your days rolling into each other and not knowing what day or date it is except that you can refer to your phone. It's getting close to Christmas which causes anxiety in itself.

Do you live on your own? I imagine it would be quite difficult if you can't go outside. I had a good day yesterday and was looking forward to going home but today I am back in the fog and worrying how I will cope on my own. My son lives with me but works night shift and I don't want to put the pressure on him. He is into online gaming also and this kept him occupied while he was unemployed. He too says he has plenty of social interaction online. 

I hope that you get to the beach with friends really soon. Keep in touch and take care.