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I'm so lost I don't even know what to look for.

Mr K
Community Member

I've had some great times in my life but the memories of these are so faded I can't recall them.

I'm so exhausted by life that I can't even remember what I enjoy anymore. If I have spare time I can't think of anything I'd like to do so I never seem to do anything. I seem to go through the motions trying to survive and feel totally stuck in a rut.

 

I'm being treated by prescription for anxiety and I've previously seen a psychologist who helped me transition through an abusive marriage and eventual separation and divorce.

 

I have 50% custody of my children who I love and live for but I worry that my lack of drive, will be detrimental to them.

 

I wish I were energetic, motivated, and excited by life. I wish I was good at small talk and could tell people about the fun times I was enjoying.

 

Everyone seems to have a plan, or a dream and here I am just trying to make it through another day.

 

😞

 

20 Replies 20

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Hi Mr K, 

It sounds like you are going through a rough time right now. We hope you find some comfort in sharing here, and in hearing from the lovely community members, many of whom will be able to relate to what you’ve been through. 

It's great to hear you've worked with a pyschologist and GP before, it might be worth checking in with them again. If you ever want to talk this through with one of the Beyond Blue counsellors, feel free to give us a call on 1300 22 4636, or reach out through Online Chat here.   Thank you for sharing this and giving this community a chance to offer you their understanding and advice. We’re here to listen and offer support, and you never know how your story might help someone else.  

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

ecomama
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hey Mr K, warm welcome to the forums. 

 

I'm very sorry for the abuse you went through and how you're feeling atm. 

 

I am assuming you're a man, dad too! 

PLEASE don't be worried about your children thinking anything bad about you. 
Kids just want their loving and caring dad in their lives. You know this. 

 

I went thru a very dull time after the end of years of Courts to exit a totally toxic, yuck dare I say it - "marriage" which was phoney to be nice. I had depressive thoughts, not depression.
It was mainly Complex PTSD that owned me during the aftermath tho. 

It's been 8y now and we have NO photos of our previous lives anywhere. 
We only have RECENT pics of us and only since last week! 
Perhaps going to a scenic spot and taking lots of "selfies" of you and the kids is in order? 
Then taking the kids to Kmart to print them out. My kids have done this and used the photos as wallpaper on their bedroom walls lol. 

Being KIND to yourself is more important than you may know. This involves SELF CARE - you can join our thread on self care. 
Having Gratitude can change our views. We have a "Things to be Thankful for" thread you could pop in to if you like? 

 

But thinking that "everyone" has anything is deceptive thinking. 
It's best not to compare yourself with any one regardless IME. 

 

Planning ONE thing to look forward to helps. 

 

It could help visiting your GP again and sharing how you're feeling. 
Possibly a Counsellor who supports men / dads after abuse would help a lot. 
Mine's awesome. 

 

Hopefully we can talk again soon, it's going to be okay, you really have got this. 
EM

Mr K
Community Member

Thank you for your time and thoughtful words. I understand that concept of every journey begins with a single step and agree that I need one thing to look forward to. I hope that I will book a weekend for myself in a few weeks time and use that as a circuit breaker from the constant. It sounds simple even when I write it but I’m still struggling and procrastinating on just doing it. I keep being overwhelmed by the constant cycle of unknown unknowns that triggers my anxiety levels. I’ve tied up so many things but trying to coparent with a toxic narcissist ex wife always means that I’m on guard waiting for the next drama to be introduced. Sometimes I think that as a male social pressure to just get on with it is extremely damaging. We survive and we put on the brave face but inside we are slowly depleting our resources and we just burn out. The brave face can be an attraction which opens doors but those doors can be slammed shut at the slightest hint of vulnerability. The fear of that is exhausting too. 

ecomama
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hey Mr K, great you popped back in. 
It shouldn't take too long before more members come in too. I don't want to hog you all to myself! 

 

You wrote: "The brave face can be an attraction which opens doors but those doors can be slammed shut at the slightest hint of vulnerability. The fear of..."

BINGO. THAT is exactly what I wanted to talk with you about! How did you know? 

 

If you're talking about potential partners with the brave face / vulnerability speak... Brene Brown's research is your go to.
Her Netflix special "The Call to Courage" speaks about these >>> Leading to this...
sic (from memory) "if you see a woman who can sit with a man who is in deep vulnerability, I'll show you a woman who has done her work... "

You don't need a relationship to heal you. But the next relationship needs to be worth your while (and HERS) as you continue your journey of healing. 
You'll know who she is. She's THAT woman Brene describes. 
All you have to do is Google "Brene Brown vulnerability". She's on YT everywhere. Ted Talks. She has MARVELLOUS books too... just saying lol. 

 

I'll put this out there re: your concern about triggers with going away for a weekend (and the possibility of "drama' which we can talk about later lol).. 
a) don't tell your kids or ex you're going away if you can help it
b) try ONE night away
c) choose a place not too far away so you can come home pretty quickly if it's awful (which it won't be but just for this first time).
OR none of the above because it's up to you! 

 

What do you think? 
EM

Kazza-Razza
Community Member

I feel the same way.. I feel like I’m walking and thinking in circles and I don’t know how to stop it. 

it’s eating away at me and all the bad and sad memories or things that have happened recently are just laying havoc on me. If I had some advice to assist you with controlling or channeling that feeling of being submerged with the feeling of being lost or confused I would be happy to share them with you. 

The only advice I can give it sit down with a book and even if it isn’t in order or it doesn’t make sense just write down every thought that pops into your head.

even if you discard the page/pages once you feel like it has eased or passed.. it’s just a coping technique to get the thoughts and frustrations out of your mind in a constructive manner. 

All the best to you and my heart goes out to you.. stay strong x 

remember we are just going through hard times no matter what anyone else says or thinks and we have a heart that large that emotions just leave us feeling subdued. 

We are here to support eachother and try to understand one another without judgement as we are all suffering our own different types of mental disorders/issues and/or depression.. ect..

Mr K
Community Member

Thank you, thank you so much I will definitely look into that work. I'm so pleased you mentioned not telling anyone about my break, I'm trying the "Grey Rock" method of dealing with my ex, but like most narsacistic people she will try and find a way to make it look like I'm being difficult. Regardless, I've made the first move, I booked a weekend break where I can switch off and soak up some peace, quiet, and tranquility. I feel a little better already just taking that step, one less thing to do is one less to worry about. I still can't focus on what other things I would like to do which I find extremely frustrating and embarrassing, it's as if I've forgotten who I was and how to have fun. I can't quite explain it.

 

Mr K
Community Member

Thanks, Kazza, I use social media very infrequently these days, and when I do it is usually an outlet for me to express whatever I'm going through. I use it as a way to clear my head and to justify my absences from friends. I don't feel like I know who I am or how to explain what it is that I'm missing. I just feel like I'm going through the motions of existing rather than really living.

randomx
Community Member

Hi mr k.

But eh , it's ok to exist for as long as you need, l existed 4yrs after div , and avoided everyone - not that there were many , but the few, except my d of course, She was actually the ony person l saw for a few yrs , didn't tell her that l didn't want her worrying or feeling pressured, put on the ok face, she didn't need to be dragged down with my bs and she was going through it herself to anyway of course so she was my focus.

Anyway, exist, drop out if you like, know nothing, that's ok. You find your feet and life again - when you do, if you do and if not or it's taking a long time, so what, but existing is just fine in the meantime.

Take care eh.

rx

ecomama
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hey Mr K, nice to see you back. 

 

Wow congratulations on booking your weekend away! 
That's great! 

 

You'll love Brene's work. Let me know what you think? 

 

Since you already mentioned the "Gray Rock" method... I didn't have to lol. Bolstering ourselves with these strategies long term helps us put clear boundaries UP and helps "compartmentalise" our time. 
Keeping these goals in the forefront of our mind when contacted and feeling empowered to time our responses is important. 

 

Have you read up on the 180 Strategy? HIGHLY recommended. 

 

You haven't mentioned how long you've been separated? or divorced, not that you have to of course. 
It just seems you're trying to rush your recovery as we all do! 

 

Giving ourselves the TIME to rebuild our own selves after narcissistic abuse is needed. 

 

EM