I'm really struggling

[Troyboy]

I've suffered depression and  anxiety for over ten years, I've tried medication, counselling ect and i eventually got to a point where I managed it, don't get me wrong everyday is a struggle but I get up and go, I've lost so many friends, family over this as most just couldn't understand why I just couldn't cheer up or get over it, so when it all boiled down to it, I had my mum and dad, my grandparents, my wife and my dog jasmine.

But in the last few years I've lost my mum, my grandparents, and my father had a stroke and is in nursing care, so I don't worry him no matter how bad I feel. My wife is always been here for me and still is, she has seen me at my worse and stuck by me through it all, I know she cares and will always listen, but I don't want to lump it all on her, it worries her greatly and will always ask what can she do to help, but I can never answer that since I don't know myself.

i know some will find this stupid, but the reason I finally decided to join and post was because of my dog, jasmine is 14 years old and now has arthritis, on going to the vet yesterday we have been informed that we should get a X-ray in a weeks time if she hasn't improved as it may be bone cancer, if that is the case there is not much we can do. My wife is hurting just as bad as me but is very strong and knows that if she is in server pain the responsible thing to do would be let her go. I do understand this as well, but what people don't get is that, when I was diagnosed jasmine was there, when I was rolled up in a ball crying, walking the house while everyone slept, sitting in the yard, and had no one else to talk to she was there. And now it could end up being my decision to let her go, I will never let her live in pain, but it's tearing me up inside thinking what could happen, maybe the medication will work, maybe nothing will show on the X-ray, but a week is so long to see my friend struggle and wait for medication to start taking effect.

I will also add that we live interstate from my remaining family and friends, my wife works full time and I'm at home alone all day, jasmine is who I turn to in those low moments during the day, a simple sit and chat to her works better than any medication ever has,I have had pets die before but I've been well lucky as it has always been peacefully in there sleep. 

I know this is silly but I'm really struggling at the moment and all my demons are hitting me full force.

id welcome any advice

[Troyboy]

Well I've been up since 3am and I've managed to get my little jobs done, so I thought give everyone who was kind enough to support me a update.

the weekend has been tough, jasmine seems to be a little better, but one time you see her and she looks good then later she seems to have gone back a little, but on the whole she is better than Friday, but that is by only a little.

my history with depression is, from what I've read on hear in the past, the usual story, I was always happy, never worried and life was good, but over a long period of time I had a lot of little things go wrong. I felt down for a long time and eventually it came out, I don't remember the year exactly, but it was grand final day one year I was watching the game and just got up, went to my bed, crawled into a ball and cried and nothing could console me, that began my journey of doctors, medication and  counselling, the medication levelled me out and talking about stuff helped a lot, eventually I could function but never felt normal and it didn't take much to stuff my day around, I got to the point where I believed this was as good as I was going to get and got on with it, don't get me wrong I felt ok, and had happy moments, but it just didn't feel quite right.

we eventually moved interstate and I was still on medication,but not having your usual doctor who knew you and your story and now having one who just seemed to fill the prescription wasn't good, I was getting on ok, eventually came off medication and seemed to be going good, I could manage my moods and still had support from home, this is why now is so hard, and as I've explained in my first post, my support network is all but gone, my wife is my rock, has, is, and will always be, but I don't want her to carry all of the load, I'm sure I don't need my GP, I just miss having people I can turn to, I don't have friends here, I'm not working, and spend a lot of time alone, if anything I might look at getting some regular counselling soon, I just feel I need someone to listen where I can let it all out and hear someone say " I understand"

isolation and loneliness rules my day, I've also put on a lot of weight where it keeps me from going out, it's just how people look at you shake there head and little comments from adults and kids get to me, I'm minding my own business why can't they, they don't know my story, my battle, to them I'm just a fat lazy guy who eats too much which is not the case, I just didn't change my eating habits soon enough when I stopped working in a job that kept me reasonably heathy. I have started loosing some weight slowly, but it's a long way to go. I know my weight issue contribute a lot to my moods, I worry about our financial situation, but I know I need to loose a lot before going back to what I used to do.

i cannot afford gyms, psyche, or anything else that will cost a lot long term, weird I know considering what I will pay for jasmines health, but that's part of the issue as well, i can only budget so much for her long term care if it goes over that I just cannot afford it, when does it become too much? See as hard as it's always going to be,I can live with loosing her to a serious life threatening issue, or serious continuous pain where her quality of life is very low, but what if it's something manageable, but expensive, and I cannot afford the treatment, I don't like the thought that I might have to let her go because I'm too poor to afford treatment, where it is a issue of her being in pain and not treatment is going to work and I know she's hurting then I will be able to reason within myself that I will be doing it for her and not me.

im trying to stay positive, but not overly so, I need to be ready for the worst, I just don't know what to wish for, I want her ok, but only if she is not in pain, I have till Friday to know what's next, I spend a lot of time with her even more now, but it always feels like I'm saying goodbye and preparing for the worst, I just wish my mind would stop thinking about it and not worry about it until we know one way or the other.

[Keir]

Hi, Troyboy

Isolation and loneliness, eh? They truly are two of the greatest hurdles that seem to confront so many depressives. Getting over those hurdles, and it can be done, is an exciting experience. For me, it was possibly one of the most crucial steps I took in better managing a lifetime of depression. 

Are there social groups that operate in your local area? Rotary? Toastmasters? Something - anything - that can afford you the opportunity to meet people in a supportive and non-threatening environment. Make the effort, my friend, to visit and attend. It changed my life for the better and I have seen it similarly help others.

Might I also suggest a morning walk? Personally, I find it an uplifting experience. Take the time to smile at people you pass, giving them a "G'day". I always feel so happy when people respond with a smile and a greeting, and you might find it won't be long before you're stopping along the way to chat with your "new friends". 

Yours in survival - Keir

[Troyboy]

Thank you for replying, I used to walk and yes saying hello and greeting people did lift the spirits, but I find these days a lot you meet out and about are not so friendly so I stopped putting myself out there,  I'm just going through some serious stuff at the moment  to me and getting into a social group is not something I'd be up to at the moment.  But it's a idea for the future.

[Troyboy]

I've got my whole story on now, makes it hard too see it right in front of you, so sick of feeling this way, so scared that every time something bad happens I will loose it, I feel sick, I'm tired and all I do is worry. I don't want the world just a little happiness.

[geoff]

dear Troyboy, I don't know how I could have missed your initial comment, and hell I have felt your pain all too well last year.

I had a 18 year old female Jack Russell called Tessie who had stuck by me over my long journey of depression as well as all my seizures.

In this photo is my new puppie Moo-Moo.

Tessie forbid anyone touching me after a fit or any attempts so even the ambulance people couldn't attend to me, and she was by no means an aggressive puppie, just loved kids and wagged all her bottom when meeting people, and I just loved her so much.

She developed cancer on her little leg, so I had that removed, but during that day I was missing her so much, it was awful, but over a few months the cancer had spread, until finally it burst, and I knew then that I had to put her to sleep.

The tears from me flooded out and she even gave me a kiss on my hand, but there was nothing I could do, and said to my vet that it was time, and she said to me that she had been through exactly the same a few months before, and knew the devastation.

I couldn't be there when it was done, and hell it left an enormous hole, that not even Moo-Moo could ever fill.

MY vet sent a lovely letter to me not just saying 'sorry for you losing Tessie', but a detailed full page saying that she too loved Tessie who always gave her many kisses, and this letter I will never throw out.

How many times have I called Moo-Moo Tessie just as other people have as well.

I can feel your pain and your sorrow, it's hitting me through my laptop, and I know this devastating, this lump sitting in your stomach, and the look and the love in the eyes of Jasmine, nothing can beat this devotion for you, this attentive love for you.

I understand every second of this situation. Geoff.

[Troyboy]

I feel your loss and understand every little bit of pain you must have experienced, there are many in this world that think of their animals as just a pet, mine have always been family, I would never let jasmine live in pain and to be honest if what we discover on Friday is a serious matter, the decision would be easier as I would be doing it for her, all we know at the moment is she defiantly has arthritis, the medication the vet gave her last week to get her through till this Friday for a X-ray is having a little effect but not a lot.

ive done as much research on the subject as I can and while I know arthritis cannot be cured it can only be slowed down and medication to give them a better quality of life, but to be clear, I would never sacrifice her well being to keep her around for my benefit, I would never be so selfish, I've had a lot of time to think about it since Friday and I'm the type of person who always thinks the worst, that way the news could always be better right?

I don't like to say it out loud, but I've almost come to grips that this week might be my last with her, I think being with her and seeing her struggle is making me realise that it would be kinder to let her go, but what I've tried to explain to people is that I'm afraid the news I get won't be bad, you see I know whatever the results are, it will only go two ways, it will either be, it is serious with no treatment available, or manageable with treatment and medication long term, see if it's manageable and if medication long term will help and give her a pain free good quality of life that would be great, but in reality I couldn't afford expensive full time vet medication long term, I feel like I've let her down, I feel like I should have done more, seen her problem sooner, I feel like her only  problem is, she got old and I cannot fix it, and if it wasn't for my lack of income I might be able to save her.

i have time to look after her, I have all the love she could handle, but if it comes down to that I cannot afford to keep her, I'm not sure I'll be able to live with myself.

[Neil_1]

Hi Troyboy  

I’m hearing you, but let’s try and cross that bridge when it arrives …  

Also, just a side question here … how long have you been going to the Vet that you go too?  Would you think there’d be any case for possibly getting a 2nd opinion from another Vet?   Just a thought?  

Our lovely boy, Jack came down late in 2012 very limpy in one of his legs.  Got him along to the vet who said it was arthritis and that can be fixed with a 4 weekly injection.  Once a week for four weeks.  And they said that usually lasts for about a year.  So it was early 2013 when we took him along for his first shot … and it helped him almost immediately and after the 4th injection, he was back to his bounding and full of energy self.  And he’s been absolutely fine since then. 

He’s now 9 and yeah, he’s absolutely a family member to us.  He’s a kelpie/Jack Russell cross, but more kelpie.  

My daughter always gets him Christmas presents, and this year has been his best ever haul  … he got two squeaky toys … at first, I thought, ok, they’re going to have to be outdoor toys cause I thought they would drive me mad.  But truth is, they’ve been his absolute best presents he’s ever received.  A squeaky plasticky rolled up newspaper (The Doggy Times) and and squeaky little ball. 

He loves his ‘paper the most I think and he’ll sit at the top of the stairs and stand on it, to make it squeak or paw at it, etc … and then when it’s in his mouth, it looks like he’s got a cigar … with it sticking out the side of his mouth.  It’s absolutely priceless. 

Then each night when I go to bed, I find his ‘paper’ on my side of the bed.  He takes it up there and kind of buries it in amongst the doona!  One night I sat on it, not knowing it was there and holy crap, it scared the beejesus out of me!!  

Sorry bit of a diversion again away from you and Jasmine …  

Am thinking of you both  

Neil  

[Troyboy]

I know what your saying about wait and see, but I've always thought the worst and hoped for the best, this Friday she has a X-ray and we'll see, the vet is very good and she did tell us about the injections too, the X-ray is more of a just to see what's happening in there sort of thing, so we know what we're dealing with, she was lame about 2 years ago and some medication seen her come right, this time the medications not doing much, and the vet said that could be a indication of something else, so we want to see what's in there and if it can be treated, I owe her that much.

i really want to thank everyone that's contacted me and keeps replying to my posts, when I know they are all dealing with things in their own lives, I hope in the future when I pass this episode I'll be able to return the favour to others on this forum who are reaching out and seeking help.  

[geoff]

dear Troyboy, Tessie had the same injection as to what Neil is referring to, because she jumped out of doorway which needed a step so her little back leg was so sore for her, but this injection helped her so much, as she did have arthritis, so every month I took her to the vet, who she loved and always kissed her, so after about 6 months she was back to normal, and I'm talking about a 16 year old puppie, with no pain, but she had to be lifted into the car.

This injection can make them hungry, but that didn't worry me one bit, and to lift her into the car was no problem.

I actually built some steps so she could hop onto my bed, and I could always hear her one step, two steps and then 4 steps so she could snuggle up to me in bed, and vice versa to hop off.

I still have these steps for Moo-Moo as my bed is high up because of my hip, and they are now a standard feature for my bed.

So Tessie had the same but there are always ways to compensate and this maybe able to happen to Jasmine.

Boy I wish that she can be with you for a little longer time, because my love for Tessie is the same your love for Jasmine.

There can be a little bit longer with pain relief and everything possible to help her, so please don't throw in the towell, because she loves you. Geoff.

[Troyboy]

I just thought I'd give everyone who was good enough to reply to me a update on what's happening.

we had to lay our beautiful girl to rest on Friday, jasmine X-Ray showed she had server osteoarthritis in her hips, also one hip was almost worn away and not sitting properly, and she had advanced bone cancer in her front leg, she shouldn't have been able to stand let alone walk, but she tried everyday, and must have been living in great pain, but never showed it.

i miss her greatly, but am handling it better than I thought, but I think that's due to the X-rays and seeing how bad she was and how much pain she was in, it still was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever had to do to say, yes I need to let her go.

I want to say thank you to everyone on here who helped me when I needed them most, the support has been invaluable to me and I could never say thank you enough.

i hope to be back to the forums one day to help others, but at the moment I may take a break to process the changes in my life.

i dedicate my post to jasmine, the best friend, mate, and family I could even have, you were the best medication I have ever known and I will see you again one day....

thank you everyone...