I'm destroying everything good in my life.

[MikaelaJ]

I dont understand who I am anymore.  In the past 18months I have become a person I loathe and am making choices that I don't want to?  I feel like my world is spinning out of control.

I've been with my husband for over 10 years and nearly a year ago I gave birth to our first child.  Before I fell pregnant I was drinking large amounts and having blackouts.  I was unfaithful to my partner and devastated as I have no desire to be with anyone else.  He is a good man and I love him and was too scared to tell him because I don't want him to leave.

Because of this I am utterly and totally confused as to why it has happened 3 more times??  Each time I have been highly intoxicated and blacked out, even regained focus half-way through something and realised what was happening.  I don't remember how or why it has happened and absolutely hate myself for this.

Since pregnancy, the guilt has been eating me up inside and I'm just waiting everyday for him to find out and leave.  I love him so much and don't understand why I would do this to us???  I don't agree with my behaviour and think that what has happened is appalling, selfish, thoughtless, cruel and just plain mean.  

I'm not only ruining my life but my husbands and daughters lives.  I feel as if they would be better off without someone like me in their lives.  I can't handle life without them so do not want to tell him what's happened.  I just want all of this to go away.  Why would I do something like this to such a good person who I love?  I feel like I am two totally different people?  My actions are not who I am!

[vip]

Hi Mikaela you are suffering with depression here. You know what my life completely turned upside down after the birth of my son my marriage went chaotic my life i started to have feelings for my ex and i contemplated leaving my husband to raise my son on his own andway i did seek help i was suffering with extreme acute depression go to a gp and get a referral to a psych and then you may need to get on some mediaction as well. I attended many maririage counselling sessions with my husband also we are still together and my son is 7 and i feel better but obviously having depression for 23 yrs i still have to really work at things. Please get the help and dont worry your not alone here i exactly know how you feel. Take care x

[Neil_1]

Dear Mikaela

You are right … sometimes we do things that we don’t understand why, but we do and they happen and once that’s done, it can’t be changed.  It makes it so easy to write it down but to then deal with it, that’s a whole helluva ‘nother issue.  

Are you saying that you’ve done this 3 more times “since” the birth of your daughter?  I don’t know if I should ask but I guess I will … where are you going in order to get so drunk to the point of blacking out and being in an environment where there are possible attractions for you?  That has me confused.  

You say you’re waiting every day for him to find out.  How could this be unless it’s from your lips?  

It is good though that you’ve addressed the issue about your behaviour and also what it projects towards your relationship.   Are you in love with your husband?  Is he the same way back to you?   I was going to ask whether you would like to continue your marriage, but you’ve answered that by saying ‘yes’.  

Can I also say at this point that this has been a gutsy move on your behalf to come on here (obviously anonymously) and to detail out some intimate things that have been happening.  That takes a lot of courage, so well done for doing this and reaching out.  

I hope there’ll be other responses from other folk to try and help you through this time … but my next suggestion would be to maybe go along to your GP and to see if you might be able to get some professional help that way.  

Whether to tell your husband or not … I honestly don’t know … again, perhaps someone else might be able to offer some advice on this?  

Take care  

Neil  

[MummaF]

Hi Mikaela,

I was drawn to your post as I read some similarities in what I am going through. Only in my situation my partner of 14 years has just recently found out I was unfaithful.

I was spiriling out of control partying, drinking, going out and occasionally drug use. My partner/ ex partner (not sure what to call him these days) found out 2 occasions. Nearly 12 months ago I was taken advantage by someone I thought was my friend, this was out of my control. Second person was my choice (well my head was cloudly) but it was still my wrong doing.
I'm struggling with the fact he says it's over and I'm trying and trying to keep my family together.

I really feel for you. For me the last one was 6 months ago and if it didn't come out I probably wouldn't have told him, as I had major regrets and no plan to do it again.

Alot of the feelings you have discribed I feel them too, and while I can't give much advice - just know you aren't a bad person. And I'm here if you would like to chat. You are not alone.

The pain I feel day in day out and the struggle I'm going through I would hate for anyone else to feel.. And the pain I have caused nothing is worth that 😞

[Captain Australia]

Hey Mikaela

I personally reckon there's no benefit in telling your husband about the infidelity. People aren't as resilient as we like to think, and some things you just don't bounce back from. I'd suggest you put it in the past.

That's the wonderful thing - the past is behind us, and every day we have a chance to start fresh.

I think you should forgive the mistakes. Try to understand them if you feel capable, but if you just can't figure it out, stop thinking that people are better off without you and maybe take a different approach.

I know darkness. Sometimes it calls to you. You don't have to answer.

I'm sorry if this is bad advice, but it's my authentic belief, and I offer it in the hopes that it might help you.

Here's an important bit: if you can't figure yourself out, you don't need to. Learn to let go.

Life doesn't have to be about finding ourselves, or figuring out our stuff. We can CREATE ourselves.

Weigh it all up. Cheating was probably a way to rebel against a cage. As much as you love your man, your daughter, you were probably seeking adventure, reaching back into the past, a way of being sexy, crazy, wild. A marriage can become a bit mundane over the longer term (if you let it --- my advice is to go wild on your partner, hehe, full throttle, bugger won't know what hit him, pull out the leather and straps)

The thing is, whatever, however and whyever it happened - you're allowed to put it in the past and begin anew.

Youre better armed if you do that with clarity and self-understanding, it IS nice to figure stuff out .. but you can shift approach and rather than seek understanding, look to strengthen your will and resolve. Decide that your family is more important than whatever it was that pulled you away from it. Walk that road going forward.

I personally reckon feeling conflicted is hugely normal. We all have minority impulses. I might 90% like a person, 5% want secretly to take them to bed, and 5% absolutely loathe them. That stuff then blends into a "mostly positive" outlook on the friendship. And you wake up in shock 5 years later in bed next to them after drunken hate sex 🙂

Forgive yourself. Find ways to move forward. 

We ALL make mistakes.

Don't be defined by them. Be defined by how you move past them.

All the best & Happy New Year, eh ?

(PS: I think marriage counselling isn't good, but you could check it out, you might not be getting what you need)