I'm running out of ideas....I was diagnosed with depression when I was about 16 and have been of and on medication since. I have seen three psychologists and one counsellor. I have almost completely cut out alcohol and try to meditate but am not very good at it- the anxiety state I am often in is probably the main barrier. See whenever I stop and just 'be' I sink into this intense state of self loathing were I tell myself I am useless and a waste of time. I often fantasise about how nice it would be to just put an end to my life. I don't think I'll ever act on this, but probably more for the fear of what it would do to my mum more then anything.
I think a lot of my struggle to find self worth and meaning stems from my dad leaving when I was 3. I guess the message I got from that is that I'm not worth anything and reacted by trying to be perfect so that I would protect myself from being hurt again. The problem is I am only human, so now I am 30- I am fit, attractive, have a masters and bachelor and a great job and a house and compete in triathalons and...... It's not enough. I feel like I am broken inside. I feel like the only time I feel worthwhile is when I am helping others- which is lucky because I do that every day in my job, but on days like today when I'm not working, but alone in my home with no one but my dog I fall into trouble. I am so sick and tired of this. I am angry with myself because I have travelled the world and have seen how some people live- how dare I feel like I have a hard life when there are people living in poverty. I feel like I am broken inside.
my brother died suddenly while working away on a mine site ten years ago- he was my confidant, he went through my childhood with me and living with my mum who suffered anxiety her whole life.... His understanding of me/us and our life path was so valuable- someone who truly understood me. He's gone.
I want to,go too.
