Beautiful day but it just makes me feel more depressed

Lizlonely · ‎19-10-2013

It's a Saturday and the weather is amazing but I just feel so much worse because of it. I am 31 years old, morbidly obese, have no friends and have never had a boyfriend. I live with this constant crushing loneliness and depression. Most days I can push through it, get up and go to work and smile and make small talk but when days like this come around I am just reminded so vividly of what I don't have but long to be a part of. I see all these couples and groups of people out enjoying the sunshine and participating in activities that many take for granted and that seem so insignificant to most people but would mean the world to me to be able to be a part of. I want to go out and enjoy the day but I have no one to do it with and nothing really to do. I am in so much pain right now and am not sure that I see a way out of it. I have massive social anxiety and am not able to connect with people at all other than superficially (like at work). I am close to my mum but feel like such a loser about the fact that spending Saturday night with my parents is my only other option other than spending it at home in my bedroom alone. i want friends and love and kids (someday) just like everyone else but don't see a way out of the vicious cycle of sadness that I am stuck in. I can honestly say that if I weren't here i don't think anyone apart from my parents and brother would really be any worse off for it. I would barely be a blip on the radar of the other people in my life if i were to take myself from this world. I don't have any specific thoughts or plans to commit suicide but that thought alone scares me to death. Not sure what it is that I am holding on for. My mum and my brother are both incredibly charismatic, life of the party types and they really don't understand even a little bit what is so hard about making friends. They keep making suggestions that show just how little they 'get' what I am going through. I can see they are desperate to help but it just ends up making me feel even more isolated that even the people who are closest to me and the only 'friends' that I have don't understand how much pain I am in. I was seeing a psychologist for about a year and she helped a little but was so expensive I really couldn't keep it up, plus nothing really changed for me while I was seeing her. I still had no friends, no love, no social life at all. the only benefit I could tell was the fact that I had someone to share my pain with who wouldn't nod and say they understood when really they had no idea. I am thinking maybe medication might help but have no idea how to go about finding out about it or getting started on it. Do I have to find a good GP first, how do I do that. I went to see one locally just after I moved in March and told him that I was scared because I was having thoughts of a suicidal nature and he just filled me out a mental health plan (without asking me any questions about what I was experiencing) and then walked me out to the front desk where he told the receptionist in front of a waiting room full of people to book me in to see their psychologist. Turns out the psychologist only worked 9-5 and didnt have an appointment for over a month anyway so I didn't even bother. there was no follow up from the GP at all and I was left feeling so alone and unsupported. I am in a really dark place and am so unsure where to turn to get help or understanding. I want to live my life rather than endure it!

The_Real_David_Charles · ‎20-10-2013

Dear Liz,

Maybe the "perfect" worlds of other people are a kind of trigger for your own suicidal ideation ? What could have been ? Why does my life suck ?

I am concerned that you didn't make a booking for the psychologist. Period. Forget about all the excuses - "only worked 9 - 5 and didn't have an appointment for over a month anyway so I didn't even bother, there was no follow up from the GP at all and I was left feeling so alone an unsupported". Your GP probably has a few more options in psychologist terms and even people with cancer (who definately WILL die) have to wait months for a specialist. There are also local Crisis Teams that work 24/7.

Can you see that it's possibly YOU that is doing the very thing you detest in the health professionals ? Giving the system a nod ? Those meds you are seeking have to get assessed somewhere. A months' wait isn't too bad - I had to wait 2 weeks for a book the other week. Anxiety/Depression are bending your thoughts.

You have the other more drastic option of fronting up at a Psychiatric Hospital with severe suicidal thoughts. They can admit you for serious treatment or refer you elsewhere. In both cases - the GP and the Psych Hospital - the onus is on you to take some responsibility and not just wait for someone to follow up. As you wrote "I want to go out and enjoy the day but I have no one to do it with and nothing really to do". A psych ward can have up to 30 patients. Instant connections although "enjoyment" might be a bit qualified. Generally though there's a certain vibe in most psych wards.

A lot of living is being able to endure things. Even reading this slightly direct response ! I mean well but you have to bite the bullet.

Adios, David.

amamas · ‎20-10-2013

Hey Lizlonely, Hi!

Your courage at being so real and sharing so openly has made me realise I've really got to use my real name. amamas means happy in pidgin and I used it kind of as an aim but more as a mockery at myself.

Mocking at myself because I'm heaps like you on the inside. Lonely, feel unsafe with people and depressed. A lot of the time struggle to find any meaning at all in existence. That is the inside me, a complete mess actually.

The outside me is a damn social butterfly. It kills me! I hate that part of me the most.

So very brave Lislonely Hi I'm Heaven. I would be very honoured to be your friend at least online because now you know my secret I'd be way too petrified to meet you.

I think the way your GP treated you was horrendous. Some GPs are absolutely brilliant, others completely ignorant!

Have you tried the beyondblue online support chat or crisis line? Both have kept me going so many times. They will be able to give you all the info you need regarding where you can get the help you need. They have even at times put me through to the help I needed, when I was really bad. Plus they are all so incredibly supportive, understanding and caring.

You absolutely deserve to live your life, you sound like a really beautiful, real, honest and open person.

I think you've taken a big step towards living by posting on this site.

Cheers Heaven

pinkroses_78 · ‎20-10-2013

hi there,

this is my first time ever doing this, listen..there are days when ive felt exactly the same way! i dont know if anything im going to say is going to make you feel better but i really hope i help you somehow, by the sounds of it you need to have more interaction with people other than your mum and bro, im in exactly the same boat, i dont have anyone to talk to or hang out with and that is making my depression worse! you said you have work friends? could you maybe have a night out with anyone there? like going to dinner or to the movies? hang in there!! 🙂

vip · ‎21-10-2013

Hi Liz you are looking to ahead in the future here . So what your 31 your still young what is stopping you from going out? Maybe join a church group or a youth group they are great ways to meet people. But firstly get the depression under control please see a gp and then a psych nip this problem in the bud you may even need medication to help you feel better. Get how you feel sorted before you tackle things like boyfriends ect if you are not feeling great then the relationship wont be great so do you see what i mean your health is worth it 100% so please seek the professional help. Take care