I just don’t know myself..

[Guest_8472]

Hi all,

so I’ve lurked on these forums a long time, trying to understand myself and what I’m feeling but I just can’t explain what it is. I know in my heart I’m broken.

Im 26 years old and Male. Ever since I was in my tweens and early teens my life has been one big mess to the next.

My home life was upturned when my parents divorced at 11, ever since then I have t felt right. I missed so much school in those times just because I didn’t cope as much as I lied to myself and I think that partly why I’m such a loser now. My Mum suffered a nervous breakdown after the divorce and since then has had multiple health issues including cancers, she’s never recovered cognitively, and has had constant treatment. and I took on a lot of responsibility for the running of the household and just a lot of her pain. That’s why I’ve shut out what I’ve been feeling for so long because I don’t want her to have her son be such a failure and I need to be strong for her.

I dropped out of school at Year 11, because truthfully I was naive, being avoidant and just had these grand ideas of going to TAFE, and somehow getting a job. That never worked out because I just never had any motivation and was constantly fretting over Mum..and spent a few years unemployed.

A family member helped me snag a menial job in 2015 just doing some record keeping. I felt for while I had my life together..but under the surface I was still no where near content. One day in 2017 I just suffered a massive panic attack out of the blue…and I just stormed out of the workplace never to return.

and That’s where I’ve been. Floundering since 2017 trying to keep up this facade of being ok, trying to find a job and looking after Mum still.

I’m on Jobseeker and not coping with the requirements I need to meet. I’ve been trying to work up the courage to see my GP about it all but I honestly don’t know if it’s worth it.

Somedays I’m fine, it doesn’t feel like anything’s bothering me but then I’ll hit a wall or have something push me too far and I’ll just shut down. I won’t leave my room, I constantly worry. My brain just doesn’t stop

But even then i Just feel an emptiness most days even when I feel ok. I just don’t feel like myself…I can’t explain it. It actually drives me mad.

I’ve never wanted to commit suicide, I’ve had fleeting thoughts but thinking of my family brings me back down.

i just need a break.

Sorry for such a long post, I’ve left out a lot.. I honestly just wanted to vent. Thanks for reading.

[therising]

HI tomatojuice1

Based on what you say, I find you to be a truly amazing incredible person for so many reasons...

Many of us have the benefit of preempting when we become a carer to someone. The role you've played in your mum's life is something you weren't prepared for. You also perhaps weren't prepared for the potentially depressing aspects of being a carer. Even though I had the benefit of preparing myself for motherhood, I wasn't prepared for the the depressing aspects of early motherhood where things weren't working out the way everyone says they're meant to. Nowadays, I face the challenges of helping my aging parents. While I'd prepared myself for this do a degree I hadn't prepared for my dad developing dementia and the challenges that come with that.

So, here you are, not having been prepared for the divorce (when you were 11), your mum's health issues, being a carer, managing a job on top of all that, managing your thoughts and managing finding who you naturally are amongst all these influences. To face what you were never prepared for, yet still manage to make your way through defines you as incredible. Not having been prepared when it comes to managing mental health challenges, here you are on the forums and there you are with the doctor, finding ways to manage.

I can't help but wonder whether that panic attack some years ago felt like a pressure cooker moment. You know, when all of a sudden everything starts bubbling up and all the intense pressure inside you just blows in one intense moment. Sometimes you can feel things intensifying but say to yourself 'I can handle this, I got it' and then realise the pressure was far greater than what you expected. All it takes is a single trigger to set things off, when the pressure is that great.

With a decade and a half of depression behind me, I can say with clarity - there is almost nothing more depressing than us believing in who we are not...

• While you are the hero is this story, who self navigates through some brutal and depressing terrain, you may be identifying more with who you are not. You are not 'a loser', perhaps simply a loser of direction at times, as you navigate
• While you hold the ability to feel compassion for others, to feel when a situation is depressing, to feel when pressure becomes too great and so on, what you feel is not your fault, it points to your ability (to feel). You are a feeler
  

I imagine a long list of who you truly are. First, I would start with 'Amazing'