Am I faking it?

[A-X-K]

I’ve been feeling completely isolated lately. I’ve been slowly building up this dam of emotions and secrets and things that I don’t want to bother others with.

Ive gotten to an extreme low and I want to see someone about what is beginning to feel like a growing monster in my head. But in the past I’ve been accused of making up the things that I’m dealing with. And my automatic answer is to say no I’m not making it up. But the growing monster in my head keeps telling me that maybe I have been and I’m just so used to making it up now that it feels real.

what I’m worried about most of all is that even if someone was to believe me enough to take me to see someone, the doctor or who ever it is will just take one look at me and tell me that they were right and that I didn’t need to come.
cause if that’s the case then I’m dealing with something so tiny and insignificant that it just shows how pathetic I am. And then I am stuck on my own trying to fix what should be the tiny and insignificant thing but feels like this huge mess.

so I guess what I need help with understanding is if I should even try at this point?

[Sophie_M]

Dear AXK,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
 

[geoff]

Hello A_X_K, welcome to the site.

There is a difference between making up stories than, to actually feeling what you're going through and you would know yourself, but there are online tests you can do which will give you an indiction and one is the K10 test which you can do by copy and paste this,
-Anxiety and depression checklist (K10 test) - Beyond Blue
-https://www.beyondblue.org.au

or if you google this 'online depression test Australia' then these options will appear.

When you book an appointment with your doctor take the results of these tests with you and show them the results.

If you have been seeing this doctor for a while, then your demeanour will indicate whether or not you are suffering from some type of depression.

Someone who is suffering changes their lifestyle and family/friends will then pick up that you're not lying and that you are struggling.

Let us know the results.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi A-X-K

What you're facing is definitely not insignificant. If a professional was to insist it is, I would be questioning their call.

Sounds like what you're facing is really bringing you down and that is certainly an issue worth addressing. From my own experience, looking back, I can see what brought me down when I was younger and what influenced me when it came to staying down, leading to depression. While being down on occasion can be natural, staying down is a whole other issue.

I imagine you're desperate to make better sense of things, why you're thinking and feeling the way you are. Give credit to your own wise nature that insists you do begin to make better sense of things. You're on the right path.

I'll share something with you that I hope helps in some way. It took me quite a number of years to work out the following: When I'm down, I know it's because I'm in a challenge that is pushing me to come to know myself better and evolve/change in some way. Once I'm able to make better sense of what that challenge is exactly about, that's when I can begin to move forward while better understanding myself. By no means is it as simple as it sounds, as some challenges are enormous. Give you an example of what may feel like a deep challenge for some...

Just say you have a best friend who you've had close ties with for many years. Suddenly, you begin to wake up to the fact that they're quite degrading, they put you down quite a lot. You ask them to stop but they don't and even insist 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up'. You try to be less sensitive, as they suggest, but you can't and things become depressing, with you asking yourself 'What's wrong with me, why am I so sensitive?' Sounds strange but the challenge here is to remain sensitive to degradation because, basically, no one should be degraded. You want to be able to sense when degradation is taking place so you can consciously manage it. Just say the 'friend' blatantly refuses to be more conscious which leads to the deep challenge of you letting them go, even though you've been pals for years. The added challenge becomes about looking for people who are willing to grow with you and who can raise you, not put you down.

Sounds like you're in a challenge that's leading you to evolve in some way. Finding someone to help you make better sense of it is something that can help fast track you through it. Sometimes, it can seem to take forever when you're trying to work things out on your own.

🙂

[Banksy92]

Hey AXK, thanks for reaching out.

I've found often people to try and dismiss our feelings or diminish our concerns if they don't understand them. But you definitely shouldn't let them - you deserve to feel happy inside your mind and able to cope.

It's never a bad idea to have a chat with a trained professional to 'let it all out' instead of bottling it up because you're not sure it's real. If you feel like you've got something building within you, you can work with someone to reduce that feeling and feel better within yourself.

In my experience, I resisted going to talk to a councillor for almost all my life because I didn't think they could really help - that it wasn't worth my time. Then after developing a chronic pain condition from ignoring my anxiety issues for so long I was forced to see someone. It changed my life forever. I'm so glad I did it.

[Succulent Queen]

Hi A X K, The thing that stood out to me in your post is that someone is making you doubt your thoughts and feelings and due to this you've lost clarity and confidence in whether you should seek professional advice. From the way youve written your post I also sense that this person has a power or some kind of perceived stature over you causing you distress due to confusion. Can I suggest that the person making you doubt your thoughts and feelings may not be the best person to help you right now? Sometimes other peoples responses to our issues are about them rather than the person seeking advice. To be told that youre making up thoughts or feelings may be a sign that the other person simply cant deal with what your telling them for whatever reason. Whatever that reason is doesnt matter, all that matters is that you now adjust your expectations of how or if this person is someone you want to share particular thoughts with.This goes for health professionals too. If a doctor doesnt believe youre telling the truth about a health issue there is always the choice to find another doctor. Likewise there is always another person out there who will believe what youre telling them and respond in a helpful way. As The Rising suggested regarding challenge and growth, the challenge may be to find those people who will believe and listen to you so you can progress.

You ask if you should even try at this point. You deserve to feel good so of course you should try. The challenge might be in moving your expectations away from those who cant help to those who can. Back yourself if noone else will.