I hate this stupid disease

[guest75]

Im sitting here at my mums, stressing, crying and thinking about this stupid illness that effects each of us on here, either personally or a loved one

Why does it effect us all in such different ways?

I read some people struggle to find/perform work while they suffer with it...This has never been an issue for me, even with my social anxiety problems, i have always held a good job, i interview well.  when my resume makes it through and i get an interview, i always at least get a 2nd interview.   Even when i was unemployed for the last little period of my life, i was offered a couple of jobs in there that i had to turn down for different reasons (maybe my mind created these reasons, i dont know)

i read some people who want to be alone, want to be away from loved ones, dont want people around them.  I am the TOTAL opposite of this, i am craving affection more than any time in my life.  I want to be around people, i want to talk to people, i want to be close.  I dont have that sort of relationship with my mum or my sister where i am living, and i dont really have any friends.  My kids are away from me so i cant be close to them at the minute, and Tara I would give everything i owned just to be able to hold her at the minute, to be able to sit down and talk to her

Why did this horrible illness make me so angry?  It turned me into a horrible horrible person. I said and did things i can never take back to the people who mean the most to be in the world.  The depression didnt make me do or say those things, those were my actions that i have to live with, but it made my moods change.

My moods changing has caused me to lose the most important things in my life, my kids and my best friend/my only friend/my partner

If i lose Tara i dont think i want to keep going. Its scaring me, i am having serious suicidal thoughts and i am having trouble making them go away and i have no one to talk to and i dont know what im going to do - i think i can make it to tuesday but i dont know what i will do if she chooses to continue the IVO process because these thoughts are getting harder and harder to ignore...

 

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[Jo3]

Hey Matty

I agree with you - I hate this stupid disease as well.  It makes me angry, emotional, i cry all the time. i want to run away, hide away from everyone including my husband and kids. It sucks big time.

Matty, I feel for you so much, you are trying so damn hard to show everyone including yourself that you are a good person.  You have changed so many things and ways to be a better person.  

Matty, I really hope that Tuesday brings you much happiness and that you will be together again with Tara and the children.  I can't imagine what you are going through to be without your kids.  

But stay positive because things may change for the better.  You can show them that you have changed and you are doing things to improve your life.  Because you are a good person.

Pls don't think of suicide, keep that thought away, far away as possible from your mind.  I know it's not easy but pls think of your children.

I totally understand what you're saying about all the emotions that come with depression or any mental illness. 

Pls Matty if things are really tough today, pls call the number on top for BB, they will listen and chat with you.

I hope you can come back on and chat

Take care and don't forget you have heaps of friends here that care about you

Jo

[Guest_3712]

Hi mattyj,

I don't think I have written directly to you before but I have read your posts for some time and I am in agony for you and all you are going through.

The first part of your post was spot on. How can we all have the same disease but have totally different responses. Unlike you I isolate myself as much as I can when I am suffering. I can go days without interacting with any one- I feel like my disease is contagious and I don't want to pass it on.

I hear the desperation and agony in your words and I can understand your feelings of not wanting to go on if things go against you on Tuesday. I'm not sure what to say to you, but if I could just briefly give you a short version of my experience.

I was in a job that I loved and I was top of my game. Then I had a devastating injury that resulted in multiple surgeries and although I tried I could no longer do this job. I was let go after 13 years. My crash was inevitable and the mis-use of meds exacerbated the depression. At my lowest I felt I had lost everything. My health, my job, my sanity - I couldn't see the point of going on either. I was admitted to hospital to keep me saf.

On the other side, I was a teenager when my best friend's sister committed suicide. I will never as long as I live forget the anguish that poured out of this family. The mother had to be carried into the church and her pain was  too much to bear witness too. Thirty years later my friend tells me she still thinks of her sister daily- sometimes fondly others not so much- but always confused as to why??

 I don't say these things to upset you further, rather that I  and all your friends on BB completely get it.

matty, somewhere you have to find the strength, whichever way the decision goes. You do not want your kids to have to go through the agony of losing their dad and never really knowing why or  if they were somehow to blame.

Sorry I hope I am not out of line here matty but I have had personal experience in this area also and I know at the time I could not see or hear anything but the demons in my head urging me on.

Please call someone if these feeling become too much.

Will be thinking of you

regards

Stressless