I hate my Bipolar Brain

[black_rose]

I hate my brain, I hate having Bipolar and I hate the fact that this mental illness will be with me for as long as I live.

I hate being over sensitive.

I hate that I over react.

I hate that I feel things much deeply than most people.

I just hate my brain and wish sometimes it would just all stop.

Today and for the past few weeks my anxiety has escalated. It's triggered the 'irritability' associated with my Bipolar.

That's the professional term. Iritability, it's such an understatement. It's more like anger and pure rage, that's so difficult to control, you try and keep it to yourself, it's not fair on others. Then your partner says some thing that upsets you, any normal person would shrug it off. It wasn't meant the way it sounded it your head. Then it circles in your brain over and over in your head, slowly becoming this big thing, the next thing you know, you're over reacting you're lashing out at him and being horrid and agressive, all because your stupid brain made some thing out of nothing.

This is the reality of irritability with Bipolar for me.

Today sucked usually I keep it contained better, some days I can talk myself through it, today wasn't one of those. Today was a bad day.

It's not something I am proud of, I'm deeply ashamed of this facet of my personality, something that until just now I realise, I'm so ashamed that I've never told my Dr about this 'dark side' of me. Clearly that needs to change. I need to mention it.

Thanks for just letting vent and get it out.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Your symptoms are spot on with mine. I’m glad you have vented, better venting here than to your partners ears.

The good news is that as you age those symptoms you will react less to. One day you’ll be sensitive to your partners comment and say to yourself “he didn’t mean it the way I took it”. And move on.

Also, your bipolar is part of you, easier to embrace it than fight it. In some of us we have unique qualities like artistry, entertainment and craft, I have poetry for example. I love it that when down I can write powerful stuff.

We cannot expect others to change their round mannerisms to fit in our square bipolarhole but it would be comforting if they were extra tactful and careful with how they reply to us. Encourage your partner to do this.

Dwelling is another symptom you mention. I use distraction for that.

Are you on medication? I found my fine tuning of meds over 10 years to be crucial to quelling my moods

I have some very relevant threads below that will help you.

Google them and just read the first post

beyondblue topic depression and sensitivity- a connection?

beyondblue topic who cries over spilt milk?

beyondblue topic distraction and variety

beyondblue topic anxiety, how I eliminated it

beyondblue topic relationship strife, the peace pipe

I hope they help. Reply anytime

TonyWK

[black_rose]

Hi WK.

Thanks for your response.

I do take meds and for the most part I am stable. However anxiety can cause things to slip a bit and can take it's toll, also doesn't help I'm female, so we're, some months can be worse than others.

For the most part I've accepted and embraced being Biplar and have become good at distractions, I love writing, although haven't done much these past few years, some thing I intend to change this year, I also colour a lot of the adult colouring pages. I find them relaxing.II also found knitting is another distraction that works well.

I think at the moment to working part time is proving a little more of a challenge, as this is the longest I've remained in the same job for around 10 years, so I'm still trying to find that balance.

For the most part I do ok, but every so often a bad day hits. It's good to have a place to vent for those bad days. 🙂

[white knight]

Thanks for replying

I also found tweaking my mood stabilisers to be crucial to my stability

when I worked 2 part time jobs was far better than one full time as that gave me variety and less time working with one group

TonyWK

[quirkywords]

black_rose ,

I can relate to what you wrote as I have been living with bipolar for more that 45 years.

like that I am creative and sensitive, I don't like my moods. Right now I am facing a something serious and it is a struggle.

Be kind to yourself.

Quirky

[quirkywords]

Black Rose,

There is a thread called This bipolar life. It is full of friendly helpful and supportive people.

Quirky

[black_rose]

Thanks WK and Quirky.
I am lucky with my job, I usually only ever work on my own, which is actually a good thing, and at my workplace there are only 2 other workers, so it's good in that sense, I have to admit I prefer working on my own. I have to deal with customers but I have to admit I don't mind, being in a country town most people are pretty polite anyhow.
It's nice to know I'm the only one who get outburst of the angries,
I know what is causing them at the moment, I have a wedding that I have to attend in the next month. My partner is best man and also best friends with the groom. Me and the bride hate each other, I dislike her because I can't stand how she manipulates those around her and in the past has manipulated my partner. She has also disrespected and pushed my boundaries and when I finally told her I didn't appreciate things that were done in my house whilst I was away and my partner was home, she had a go at me telling me to get over it and that I was being stupid because she couldn't see the violated boundaries, since then she has deliberately gone out her way to exclude me and trying to convince my partner to end the relationship because she dislikes me.
Up until recently my partner would just listen and allow her to exclude me because he was afraid of upsetting me. She has basically only invited me to the wedding because she has no other choice.
I'm anxious as to how she's deliberately going to attempt to exclude me and make it known, for example seating me and partner separately because he is best man yet allowing her bridesmaid's to sit with theirs, making him dance the first dance with the same woman he had an affair with 2 years ago.
She is exactly this kind of woman and would do it to get a rise out me so she can say to everyone that I am a monster who ruined her day, I've asked my partner to back me up and he's promised he will but in the past he has caved to avoid upsetting her.
My anxiety relates to this specifically, I am sick of my partner upsetting me to keep her happy and it's come down to this, if my partner does this again it will be it for us, it's basically come down to the point where I can't keep having this done to me and if fails to have my back this time it really will be the end for us.
So naturally this uncertainty is causing a great amount of stress and anxiety for me.

[white knight]

I read you loud and clear Black_rose

It must be hard for your partner, he has his close friendship to risk so would feel like the meat in the sandwich. I would, if I was you, protect that friendship he has with his friend no matter what.

So, over many years I've trimmed my friendships to exclude toxic people, even my mother and that was 10 years ago. Toxic- what is that definition? Well it can be someone with mental illness that does not get treatment and has a huge effect on my own health. It could be a manipulating person, a selfish person, a swindler etc. But commonly it is hard to separate them because new people that come into our lives- their true self doesnt emerge early so we get hurt when we have to dismiss them as toxic.

So BR, I have threads on this topic, written as a bipolar person that found ways to survive life easier by putting in boundaries for self protection.

Use google and read the first post of each thread-

Beyondblue topic depression and toxic people

Beyondblue topic vulnerable- be ready to defend

Beyondblue topic Depression triggers

Beyondblue topic fortress of survival

Beyondblue topic fortress of survival part 2

Beyondblue topic fortress of survival (workplace)

Beyondblue topic depression and sensitivity- a connection?

Beyondblue topic bullying - how to tackle it

Let me know how you go.

TonyWK

[black_rose]

Hi WK,

I get exactly what you saying and wherever I can I do my best to protect his friendship and actively encourage it.

However after being together for 8 years and her carrying for the 4 years, I've said something needs to change.

She knows he can't say much, because she's the kind of woman that would say well you two can't speak anymore, she knows this too and plays up to it and uses it to her advantage wherever possible. So much to the point the she will now invite him to a party and tell him specifically not to bring me, he is only to come, I am not wanted (but please don't tell me, just to tell me I'm clingy)...

I have mentioned to him that I am not looking for him to have an argument with her or anything that could damage his relationship with his mate, I am just asking that instead of him agreeing and then saying to me you can't come but I'm going, that for a change instead say something along the lines, "well I'm sorry but if my partner's not welcome then I won't be attending either, as I want my partner with me'

More than anything I'm just asking him to have my back more, she doesn't like me that's fine, I don't like her much either, however I would never be rude to her face, I was taught to be more respectful that that. But I was also taught that even if you dislike someone's partner you do not deliberately exclude them from social functions as that in itself is disrespectful both people, that you accept that they are a couple.

Lately I've been trying to get him to understand that her unwanted attitudes and comments about our relationship are rude and hurtful and the fact that he also allows it is causing damage to our relationship as I do not feel like a partner to him, that sometimes I feel more like a burden.

I have also explained that I am not trying to come in the way of his friendship, but there are small things he can say or do, that can politely but firmly let her know that she needs to stop with her antics and to stop trying to interfere with our relationship.

He has agreed that her treatment of me is unfair, which is a start and has also agreed that he does need to start having my back more, and has finally started to see things a little more from my perspective.

I have also been getting him to put himself in my shoes and ask how he would feel if it was one of my friends who did it to him, and ask if he'd be hurt, which he admitted he would be and at the very least would expect me to say something.

[black_rose]

Sorry not sure if I'm making much sense, my anxiety is playing up again as I just dropped him off for the bucks night... and he is staying overnight.... so my anxiety has kicked in, wondering what her comments will be to him behind my back this time.

Bleh...