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I feel like I don’t matter.
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I have not been feeling great lately. I have always struggled with thoughts of never being good enough. But it’s been very rough lately and I’m struggling to get through it and I don’t have anyone who truly understands where I am coming from.
soon my sister will be having a baby. Which is great and I’m exited to meet them and play with them. But as you can imagine that’s all we talk about. And nothing else is really talked about with the family around. But I also want to share my own news and what I have been up to like getting a new job. But I feel so uncomfortable bringing up my news even though I want to share it and just feel so unimportant that I don’t even bother. I feel like that if they really were interested in me and what I was up to, then they would ask. But they barely ever do. I always listen in silence about every little aspect of what’s happening with them but they never ask me how I’m actually going. And this is most of my family. My dad and sister and her husband. I barely feel welcome in my own home.
but lately it’s been extra hard cause I have lots of issues with my dad but he just dictates what will happen and that I will be completely kicked out of my room so the baby has a room without even asking me if that ok. Or taking up space in my cupboards for his stuff that he can’t fit in his cupboards cause they are filled with rubbish and he is too lazy to clear them out. And never listens to me and makes me feel like I don’t exist even more now with the baby coming along. Like I don’t even matter. Even if I was there or not. No one would notice.
My mum is great but mostly when I am just with her. If others are around they basically become the focus. So I just sit there silently. And I definitely don’t want to be the centre of attention or anything. Or have lots to say. But it would be nice to be asked how I really am. And have the same interest given to me as I do with everyone else. Or just wanting to spend time with me but most other people want to just waste time watching tv or when I do talk, I’m told I don’t shut up when that the reason I visit is to talk and catch up.
I feel very alone in my feelings and whenever I tell people they just say that it sucks and that’s about it. No one is able to help me to feel better. I just sit with the feeling by myself. Some of that feeling is from my dad just being unwilling to listen and be considerate and the other half is developed trust issues from previous experience of people just being focused on their own things and not know what to do with me. And I know it’s not their job to fix me. I just need some one to listen.
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Hi struggling_infj
From one infj to another, I feel where you're coming from. As a 53yo gal who, in my late 40s, finally became proud to be a 'feeler' or 'sensitive' (someone who's sensitive to what and how they feel), I've found it can definitely be a tough ability to understand, manage and master at times. Typically, it's other sensitives who can relate to a lot of the challenges. Being able to shift perspective on what it means to be super sensitive is the first major challenge, for sure.
I've found one of the many things worth considering can involve how the following statement is phrased and felt: 'No one is able to help me to feel better'. Of course, as you know, that statement can feel depressing as it also accompanies a sense of loneliness. Rephrased as a constructive observation or revelation, 'No one is able to help me to feel better' can be experienced as 'I have no master feelers around (no mentors) who can mentor me in all the ways when it comes to the ability to feel'. Hope that makes sense. It's kind of like an apprentice waiting for a master to show up to lead the way, while shining some light on the path ahead. Btw, while 'HSP' (highly sensitive person) can be found in areas that relate to the physical (say with the nervous system, for example) and also in areas of psychology when it comes to psychological triggers and such, I much prefer resources that define HSP in certain natural terms. In such terms, it's defined as an ability and therefor there can be a lot of really helpful information that can involve
- a wide variety of fascinating reasons for challenges
- resources when it comes to skill development (the gathering of tools for the craft of feeling)
- how to develop intuitive abilities through being able to feel
- how energy in motion (aka emotion) works in an interactive way when it comes to the mind and energy systems in the body (nervous system, vascular system, muscular system etc)
- how to manage other people's feelings. From how to increase the volume/insensity when it comes to trying to get a better feel for what they're going through right through to how to completely emotionally detach when you can sense another person's harsh judgement, fine tuning can play a big part in self mastery
The list goes on.
In a number of ways, it's so much easier living with other feelers/sensitives, so much easier. My 18yo son and 21yo daughter also have this trait. Being able to feel harsh judgement, dismissiveness, ill intention, degradation etc through depressing comments means when the 3 of us feel such comments from another person, we don't have to say a word, we just look at each other knowingly. If one of us wants to be sassy, we might even say 'You know I can feel what you just said to me'. Btw, if a person's comeback is 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up' (grrr!), this can be met with 'Hell yeah, I'm sensitive. How else do you think I can sense what you just said to me?!'😁
You have an incredible ability (that can definitely feel like a curse at times). I suppose the question is 'What would you like to do with it?'. ❤️
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Hi,
I hear you.
I'm the invisible middle child (1 or 4) in my family and nobody noticed me either. I was also the quiet child. Did I have a choice to be anything else with 3 loud siblings.
Congratulations on your new job. Tell us more about that.
My parents were never interested in me either. Actually, I was in my mid 20's when they asked what I did for a living. I hadn't lived with them since I was 19. I got my first job at 17 and moved out as soon as I could afford to. They had no idea how I did in school, how I was going with my University studies. Just never cared, never asked. Actually all my Dad wanted to know really, was how much money I was earning.
I get that feeling about a new baby coming into the family. My older sister had her first baby when I was 15 and from then on my niece who I absolutely adored, was the focus of the families attention. My sister moved back home when I was 16 with her baby in tow as well. I too had to share a room with my younger sister again... I didn't have a choice really. But you shouldn't have to give up your room for a baby. The baby can share with it's mother, just as my sister and niece had to as well.
I know it is hard, but maybe you need a little courage as well. Have you at least told your mother how you feel about giving up your room? This is a big sacrifice from your part.
Keep us up to date on how you are going.
You are important. Kindest Regards, Fiatlux
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Thank you. It's nice to know that other people have the same feelings. This is all really helpful info I will look into. Thanks.
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Thank you for understanding, it means a lot that someone just gets it. That's so sad that your parents didnt ask you what you do for a living for so long. I have a very similar experience with my dad, he thinks I should just work no matter what.
thanks for asking. I got a casual position at a not for profit which has been really nice so far. I am very passionate about charity work so it is nice to do something positive. And the team are really nice so far.
it has helped me to feel a bit better this week as it's something to look forward to. Still struggling with the family and baby stuff but I guess at least it gives me a positive focus.
yeah I think I might just bring it up with my mum at some point. I do know she knows that I don't really like the idea but probably doesn't understand fully why it makes me sad.
thank you for your message, it has helped a lot. I hope you are doing well too.
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Hi,
I am so glad that you’ve replied and for reaching out.
The job sounds wonderful. Especially since you are getting so much positive reward for it. My eldest son has been a volunteer worker with an emergency services organisation for the past 10 years now. As soon as he started Uni and got his drivers licence he started charity work as well. He thoroughly enjoys it and wouldn’t do anything else. His paid work has also been in emergency services also.
It’s just a coincidence that his father doesn’t quite understand or appreciate why our son spends so much of his private time doing unpaid work. He doesn’t grasp that concept of helping others when in need.
You know that you can always reach out for moral support here. There are other discussion forums for younger people like yourself in the BB Socials. It’s great to have peer to peer discussions without the fear of social media bullying.
BB Social to me is like social media without the bullying and harassment. Just support and respect and understanding without judgement.
Have a great week ahead. Fiatlux 🙏🏼