I feel like a useless, broken thing

[Rivyn]

Hi, my name is Paul, I'm 32 and I just don't know how to keep doing...THIS anymore

I've been battling depression and anxiety since I was 13 and in the last year everything has just gotten so much harder, or feels like it. I struggle to sleep and when I do sleep I struggle to wake up, i hurt everywhere and I just think I cant do this again, how am I going to get through another day of this hell.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal, I don't think about ending my life, although sometimes I wish I just won't wake up, but I couldn't do that to the people I care about.

It just hurts so much.

I live with my mum and my nan and I feel so useless to them. I'm unemployed and I have been for years and even though I'm looking for work, I keep sabortaging myself because my anxiety over working leaves me a crippled mess, I can't even get my lisence because I'm scared of driving. And lately I just can't stop stressing over the future. My nan's not in great shape and I'm stressed about what's going to happen to her and then I start to stress about what I'm going to do when I no longer have mum, and then I feel so selfish because my life pretty much revolves around them and I dont want to lose them, even though I know its inevitable. I feel like a helpless child trapped in a man's body, wandering through endless tunnel of heavy blackness and I dont know which way I'm going anymore and there's no one. Don't even really have any friends to turn to as the few that I do have do even live in this country.

Even now I'm a sobbing wreck and nearly hyperventilating, my hands are shaking so much. I just don't know what to do. I cant even remember the last time I was actually happy and not just pretending to get through the day.. I'm so lost....

[Croix]

Dear Paul~

Anxiety is one of those horribly limiting illnesses that affects one's whole life. Not only the inability to do things, but the physical symptoms too. I can relate. The crippling effect, the fear, the crying, self-blame and hopelessness.

So I'll start wiht the logical stuff. 9 times out of 10 being unemployed is no fault of the person, it is circumstances, no work in the area, too many people applying for too few jobs, no experience and so on.

Unfortunately human nature being what it is you get ground down until you think it is a lack in you - your fault. Well, it's not, you did not make the circumstances.

Learning to drive when suffering severe anxiety is not that good an idea, the stress makes you worse for one thing, your ability to drive is affected for another. It's a venture for when you are better.

So why do you think you are useless to your mum and nan? Just providing money is not always the important thing. Love, assistance around the house, keeping their spirits up, company, all the human things.

Was there anything that happened last year Paul to make things get worse?

I'd suggest you need to see your doctor and/or psych and say what is happening and how crippling it is. Your current regime - if you have one - is not working.

There are things you can do to lessen panic attacks, and lots of things to reduce daily stress and anxiety, have a look at

Forums / Anxiety / SELF HELP TIPS FOR MANAGING ANXIETY

Long but good.

I hope to hear from you again

Croix

[Star_Jasmine]

Hey Paul,

Welcome to the forum. It really sucks that you are feeling this way. But glad you reached out here.

I agree with Croix, it seems like the way you have dealt with your anxiety in the past is not working for you anymore so you need to find a new approach. It's best to do this with the help of your GP/psychologist as dealing with this on your own would be near impossible. Have you spoken to your mum or Nan about how you feel?

From your post, you sound like a very loving and caring person. Maybe right now you need to focus on loving and caring for yourself?

Have you tried volunteering? It's a good way of getting out there, meeting and helping people and getting some skills that could land you a job down the track.

Hope to hear from you soon.

💮