i feel ISOLATED

[Bananie1234]

Hey guys,

I'm 23 and I'm new here. I first moved from NZ for Uni. Before then, i never had difficulties with social life or with myself. I was really enjoying Aus, i was making friends everywhere. But, I also experienced heartbreaks and fall outs with friends and that's when everything started going downhill . Although I've dated more guys since then, i felt like i was just a toy and till this day, i never felt like i was ever in a relationship, it definitely made me start to question myself. Over the past few years, my social circle shrunk but I was not bothered by it, as long as i still had my closest friends. It was when I started questioning the loyalty of my friends that made me depressed and lonely. For instance, I often feel like if i never spoke with my friends they'll never msg me. I've had my closest friends who just don't reply my messages. I admit i'm lousy at it as well, but not replying at all when i'm asking a question is plain rude to me. As a result, I feel overly sensitive which i hate. I became afraid to open up to people, worried that they'll think i'm being needy. i'm afraid to msg people because i'm afraid of rejection. I started cutting those who made me feel negative out of my life and realised i end up having very few friends. We are all full time workers now so it's hard for us to meet up especially when some of them have got partners. Being a full time worker, i think i'm losing more friends than i'm making so i feel ISOLATED. I'm seeking therapy but i have trouble opening up because i feel like what i'm going through isn't a big deal and there are people out there who are going through much worse so i should just get over my own troubles. I really want to regain my confidence and learn to love myself again but i'm struggling to do so and would really like to hear how some of you coped with this. 😞

sorry for such a long post

[Croix]

Dear Bananie1234~

Welcome here, sorry it has taken a while to get back to you, it is not you, it is the system here.

The first thing I'd like to say is that your problems are very real and you have as much right to expect a full had happy life free from mental distress as anyone. Losing friends, having relationships that went wrong and feeling isolated all seem to go round in a circle with one becoming less trusting , more closed off and more expecting the worst.

Feeling devalued by guys is pretty horrible too, and it can take a fair while to realize one's own worth and that they are simply shallow.

Working full time does pull people apart, in fact I've found it works both ways, those you knew before drift off into their own lives and I form new friendships at work. Then if they or I change jobs those work ones drift too. It gets hard.

I suppose confidence is a big thing, easy to lose and can be hard to rebuild, however from the way you write I'd think you have a lot to offer, both in friendships and relationships. Traveling to Aus for study was a big adventure not all would be up to, and having the coping skills to seek help is pretty good too.

With therapy it is hard to open up, things can seen unimportant or embarrassing or too revealing. However if you look at it logically the therapist needs to know the facts to give the right treatment. I found writing things down in advance helped.

I hope you can talk more here

Croix

[nicksname]

Hi Bananie1234, How have you been feeling today?

Feeling isolated is something that I feel often in varying degrees, for different reasons, & at different times. For me it comes from a feeling that noone understands me, & what it is that I have gone through. I have learnt to embrace loneliness but I don't know that it is the best solution for you. I have been distancing myself from people over time, knowing that when I talk to them they don't understand, & cannot empathise with the emotions that I convey to them. People like us seem to feel akin to those who can see what we are feeling from our words and actions. But these people are rare. If I have heard you correctly, I would say that trust has become something that you are having trouble finding. When we can't find people to trust, we begin to overwhelm our own feelings with the words that others use against us, from those who lack the empathy we need. Consider that you tell a person that you have cold hands, & that you would like some gloves. If enough people tell you to wear their jacket, which is too small for you, you'll eventually wear one. It will feel uncomfortable, because all you want is gloves, & you will feel worse when people look at you telling you that you should be happy for the help that they have offered. You may one day be sitting on your own, rubbing your cold hands, with shrugged shoulders from the tight jacket, & a stranger will suggest that you use the gloves that they no longer need. These are the people who help us feel comfortable being ourselves. Oversensitivity can grow from feeling hurt by the actions of others, especially when we expected better from them. Oversensitivity allows us the justification to distance ourselves from the hurtful behaviour of others. Before we are ready to deal with this situation, we will see that we are isolated not by choice, but by a lack of trust.

Can I suggest that you try to find ways to start trusting yourself. I see that in some ways, choices have been made as a way to protect yourself from further emotional harm. These are not bad or good choices, but the choices that you have made. They may be the beginning of a wonderful new era for you. I say this because I have been where you are now. It wasn't a nice place, but it has helped me to arrive where I am now. Sometimes I go back to where you are, & it helps me understand how my choices are right for me, even if they are wrong for everyone else.

How have you been feeling today?