I Envy Physically Handicapped People!

[BHA]

You lost your arm or leg. However, you still can achieve things. You still can earn some of your living. You still can play a role in the society or in your family. People worked very hard to invent equipment, which can complement your capabilities.

I have depression. I get un-welcomed visits from this Black Dog. When it arrives, this Black Dog takes over my brain. Brushing my teeth becomes an impossible mission, let alone going to work. If it comes while I am at work, it takes over my mind. On a blink of an eye, I lose all my capabilities to do anything useful. Even going home becomes a huge effort.

It is relatively easy for you to imagine how difficult living with no hands or legs can be. However, unless you have been through it (God forbids), it is impossible for you to understand how the mind can be crippled and you have no control over it. For short periods of time, I feel normal; I can laugh and communicate. At most of the time, I cannot do anything at all. My biggest problem is that I cannot tell when the change from being normal to being mentally handicapped occurs. I literally wake up every morning wondering if the Black Dog is present today or not! Sadly, it has wings! This Black Dog can disappear in a blink of an eye for a few minutes; then, it comes back in a surprise un-welcomed appearance. In a single hour, I experience different personalities and feel having different capabilities, all based on how much presence this Black Dog has around me.

I am a useless piece of sh*t. I cannot keep a job. I cannot play a role model for my children. I cannot commit to anything.

Over and above all my frustration and incapacity to kick this Black Dog out of my life, you blame me for my illness, and you accuse me of not being strong enough to face my problems. My problem is not a temporary sadness. My problem is a malfunction in my brain, which scientists have been struggling to fix.

Finally, I am not trying to undermine the physical pain (as the title might indicate). Rather, I am trying to stress that the pain of an invisible (mental) illness can be as much as the pain of a visible (physical) illness. However, what makes the pain of a mental illness 100 times worse is that people around you do NOT acknowledge your pain, and even worse, they BLAME you for it! So, I do NOT envy physically handicapped people because they are not suffering, but because people appreciate their suffering.

[white knight]

Hi BHA, welcome

I get you totally. I've also compared my mental stuff to physical issues. I wrote this poem for it

LEGS OF SPOKE

How can I let them know?

When the dark exceeds the glow

When the sun hides behind the clouds

Silence they hear...but I scream so loud.

Some stand beside a 6 foot hole

Shake their heads and see its toll

They ask how he could have dropped

Out of the circle -a forget me knot

Yet they seem to see clear and there is hope

When they sight a person with legs of spoke

A crippled girl pushing her chair

A man be manic- there's no one there.

"Storm in a tea cup" hurts so bad

Like the cyber crow who remains so glad

Keeps flying and in full flight

Achieves his art...in the middle of the night

For some in power see it their way

Even at the side of a 6 foot grave

Shake their head and call out "why"

"Why on earth- he didnt have to die".

So kind some be they reach out so true

Smile away "we want to meet you"

Bring along your vintage car and your smile"

But leave - what's behind your dial.

So we laugh and dine and all's ok

Leave at home come what may

If I be saddled with legs of spoke

They'd lift me around- bloody good bloke.

But as my mind hurts so bad

Cannot hide my feelings- mad?

Can no longer be bloody good bloke

Sometimes I wish.....

I had legs of spoke.....

However, all health issues are demoralizing. I used a wheelchair when I broke my leg and you get old ladies smiling at you, a sympathy smile. It is a nice thing really as they are being caring but if you have depression well, that older generation has a knack of believing you should be locked away.

BHA, you list a number of problems that you are finding it hard to balance. Being here and starting a thread for yourself will allow others to help out in some free anonymous advice if you want it. Just start one up in "depression" section.

There are thousands of threads here. If you read one every night before sleep, you will learn some ways to help you out. For example google these (just read the first post of each)-

Topic: depression, the timing of motivation- beyondblue

Topic: distraction and variety- beyondblue

Topic: changing mindsets- beyondblue

The last two I have found to be beneficial because it shows you can, when the black dog arrives, change your mindset. It arrives, you sit, you get upset etc...no!! get up put your runners on and walk...a change in environment can do wonders.

I hope that helps.

TonyWK

[quirkywords]

BHA

welcome to the forums. What an incredible and powerful first post.

I am sorry you are suffering so much. This is a caring ans upportive community where people understand hat you are going through.

Tony has written a wonderful poem and helpful post.

AS I have had a mental health diagnosis for over 40 years, I feel that things are much better now in terms of recognition and understanding than they were years ago and before beyond blue. We still have a long way to go in terms of education and reduction of stigma/

I am sorry you have no one around you that does not acknowledge your pain .

I hope writing your moving post has helped you to express your feelings. I think may people will relate to your post.

Quirky

[Paullus]

Bingo ... I try my guts out to be a better stronger person, to kick the black dog out of my world but I fail. I have a good support base in family and a few close friends but nobody comes close to understanding what mental anguish is. I would rather have no limbs than have the constant company of the cursed black dog. (No offence intended to anyone)