I doubt my wife loves me

Major_Tom · ‎16-06-2019

My wife has shown little affection to me over the last 10 years or more. She says she isn't a cuddly person but will say she loves me when asked. I feel I need to harden up and accept that I don't get much love, but it has worn me down, I am considered a blokes bloke, but I secretly crave affection. Anyone else in the same boat? I love my wife dearly.

Birdy77 · ‎16-06-2019

Dear Major Tom,

It's so good that you've come here to talk about this.

I know there are different ways of showing love (there is literature out there on the Love Languages), and it can cause problems when one person craves, say physical affection, and it doesn't come naturally to the other.

My thoughts are that anything can be fixed if you talk it through - express your feelings, and if both parties want the same outcome, (eg. for each partner to feel content and appreciated in the relationship) then surely there can be efforts made to make each other happier.

It is so lovely to hear that you love your wife dearly. I am thinking that, say, she was to come to you and say something that was missing for her in the relationship, that you would strive to provide that, even if it was not something that came naturally?

So I am wondering if you have brought this up with her and told her how much you crave that physical affection?

There are partnerships that work on the "eat some concrete for breakfast" and harden up philosophy - I have a bloke friend whose partner shows very little affection, but their communication is also not good, but he eats his concrete each mkrning because he enjoys being a parent with his partner and wants to stay in the relationship.

I'm glad you're here to talk about this and I'm sure there are plenty of others out there who will benefit from knowing they're not the only ones.

🌻birdy

therising · ‎17-06-2019

Hi Major Tom

When I read your post, I thought 'Gee this sounds familiar'. My husband's in a similar boat to yourself.

I'll share a revelation I had just the other day. I actually ended up speaking with my husband about it and it seems to have made a positive difference between the 2 of us. By the way, we've been married for 17 years and this just occurred to me.

My husband relates to love through verbal expression ('I love you'), hugs, kisses etc.

I relate to love through acts that often reflect evolution. I'm a big believer that love is found in evolution, which explains why I'm so deeply invested in loving my kids (those little seedlings I'm growing, so to speak)

Because I'm not obviously affectionate and because my husband often likes to spend time off work relaxing and not exploring too much outside the square, as far as love goes we're just not on the same page a good part of the time. When we are on the same page, there is a sense of growth, adventure (adding ventures) and affection. We are mutually loving.

Is it possible you're not feeling the love because your wife's not feeling her version of love? Do you know how she defines love? Is it possible to find ways of combining her definition with yours? For example: If she finds love is expressed through romance (aka acts that speak to our soul and chemistry), a romantic weekend away could be a way of

Saying 'I love you' this much
Feeding her soul (that part of us that thrives on connections)
Getting her neurons and chemistry (including oxytocin) excited in a variety of ways that serve you both

As I say, just an example. If money's tight, there are plenty of other romantic ideas to consider, if that's does happen to be your wife's thing.

It's weird, hey; how many people in their relationship actually know what their partner's definition of love is? How many of us truly know what our own definition of love really is? I think a lot of people just think 'Love is what you're meant to feel. It's just one of those things that requires no definition'. The ultimate question then becomes 'How do we inspire more of something we cannot define?'

🙂

Only_the_lonely · ‎18-06-2019

Hey Major Tom.

You have been with your lady for past 10 years so you kinda know how she is with it comes to the L word. Love is an action word and even though nobody I know says I love you to their partners EVERYDAY, its all about how you treat each other. Could be simple things like clearing the plate after dinner, helping with house chores, making tea, coffee, sharing the days story together and generally how you communicate with each other and that is Love. Does not have to be said but is an 'action' word. I have been married for over 24 years and there are some nights I don't even say good night to my partner but I make sure her electric blanket is on when she gets to bed so she is nice and warm, so that is my good night to her. You have to feel love, not just told you are loved and that is something only you and your partner can feel. You have to work on it as well. Surprise her with flowers, take her to a cheap Chinese restaurant, buy her a coffee or treat her to one after work. Marriage is not easy but you have to both keep at it. Sometimes its good to reassure each other that you still love each other and enjoy life together. Keep at it and you can ask her if she still loves the handsome mature guy next to her. We all need reassurance in our lives so just ask and make sure you do your part in the relationship as well. Simple things, not extravagant ones. Hope this provides some good vibes to you mate!

Major_Tom · ‎25-06-2019

Thank you kind people for your thoughts on this. I do wonder why this depression thing makes my brain think the way it does. I went back on medication and it seems to be taking longer to kick in this time. The feelings of being unloved seem real but perhaps I just need my head right. I have been married 30 years. We are having a weekend away shortly and are both looking forward to it. Even though I feel unloved we are wonderful company for each other, she is my best friend . I will keep you posted.

TunnelVision · ‎28-06-2019

Hi Major Tom. I have not ever posted on these forums before but really felt the need to respond to your thread.

As someone who has been through separation and divorce and was unhappily married for a long time, if your wife says she loves you, then she does. I know from personal experience that it is nearly impossible to drag those words out of your mouth if it is not true.

There is a really popular book called 'The 5 Love Languages'. It is really easy to read, and even though some of the sentiments within are a little bit cringey (quite sentimental), I highly recommend it. It talks about how we all have different ways of expressing our love. Yours sounds like you want to express it in physical touch (hugs, hand holding perhaps, a touch on the shoulder, even). Your wife's language sound like it is different if you are craving affection. The important thing is that both partners understand each other's 'language' and try to speak it sometimes.

For example, maybe your wife's language is what is called 'Acts of Service'. That is where she expresses her love through doing things for you; it might even just be folding your laundry the way you like it, making you a cuppa when she can see you need it or something like that.

I highly recommend this book, or even just reading some of the millions of pages on the internet that summarise the different love languages. But your wife needs to understand it too, so you can both appreciate the way you each need to feel loved. The thing is, if you can identify what your wife's love language is, and start showing your love for her in her language, there is a good chance she will reciprocate.

All the best to you; if you say you are great company for each other and she is your best friend, you have got the very best foundation for rebuilding a loving relationship right there.