i dont really know im just feeling a bit tired of myself

[idkkk]

I just kinda feel like I'm always the villain that ruins everything. No body texts me and I feel like I'm always the problem, or I'm just so annoying. I always make a big deal out of everything and I just feel like a really bad person. I hurt many many people and I feel very guilty for my actions. Its my fault that I decided to draw attention to something so little and I believe that I really shouldn't post this. I'm sure that when I'm feeling sad, I'm just pitying myself and its really not that bad and countless people have it so much worse than me. I used to have a friend but I always had fights with her and it was because I always escalated the situation and she does not talk to me anymore. I'm intolerable and get too angry too often and when I do, I lash out and do hurtful things to people that I care for.
I've been feeling alone and I feel like everything bad that happens is always my fault. I want to stop feeling this way but I'm just too lazy to work on myself. I feel as though I'm never good enough and that people will hate me unconditionally. Most of the time I am ashamed of what I say or what I do. I feel ugly, worthless and stupid. I don't know.

[Sophie_M]

Hi idkkk,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us here.

We are sorry to hear that you have been feeling alone and as though you are not good enough. It sounds like things have been so hard for you recently, please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[Isabella_]

Hi there,

Thank you for being open about your feelings, I know it's never easy. I hope you know that this is a safe space where you can be vulnerable without judgement. We are here to listen, validate you and support you. It's a great first step to be honest about what you're going through, especially if you've been hiding it.

You're not alone in feeling that your sadness isn't that bad, or that other people have it worse than you. While other people might be going through something more difficult than you, this does not erase or invalidate how you feel or your situation.

I want you to know that you are valid for feeling lonely, depressed, ashamed, insecure, and that these feelings are very real. It is always okay to share that and be honest about that here and with yourself.

It sounds like you have really negative beliefs about yourself, and how other people see you. It seems that you're holding a lot of guilt and responsibility. You've mentioned that you've had conflict with your friends and feel guilty about some things.. Are you comfortable with sharing what has happened?

I may not know you, but I want you to know that you're not worthless, you're not stupid and you're not ugly. You are worthy of unconditional love, happiness and supportive people in your life, even if you've hurt people close to you before. You may not believe this now, but I really hope that someday you will have that peace within yourself.

I'm really glad that you want to stop feeling the way you do. The desire to feel better and taking the step to share with people how you're feeling are very important steps to take. When you say work on yourself, what does this look like to you? Are you open to the idea of therapy? What are your views on visiting your GP to talk about how you've been feeling?

I'd love to hear from you.

[geoff]

Hello Idkkk, and welcome to the forums, and no you aren't the villain and agree with Isabella.

When anyone is struggling with any type of mental illness there is certainly at least one issue we can't comprehend why people don't agree with us, simply, it's because our mind is elsewhere and this illness blocks what we think is rational, is not a strategically viable solution or thought and other options are much better, that's what we can't understand, and the more this happens, the more we become disorientated and the deeper we become confused by this and our illness becomes stronger until eventually, we don't say anything, making our situation feel isolated.

Help is needed to sort these thoughts out, and it's not that you are doing anything wrong, because it's not your fault, so hope you can accept this, then counselling works much better.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi idkkk

It's challenging when people don't feel as deeply. There's definitely times where we can be desperate to turn the volume down on feeling so much.

While being incredibly sensitive to feeling so many things comes with challenges, it can also offer abilities. Give you an example. Just say you live in Melbourne and you're in your 6th lockdown. Into the 2nd one you might say to people, 'Can you feel how depressing this is? Can you feel how agitating this is?' and just about everyone around you says 'You're being a little over dramatic, don't you think?', to which you may say 'WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, WHY CAN'T YOU FEEL IT?!!!!' Then, as the lock downs go on, you find more and more people saying 'This is becoming depressing and agitating'. You're ability to feel even the slightest agitation or upset, is was allows you to preempt what others will eventually feel.

Do you even wonder 'Why can't that person feel what I do?' or 'Why can't those people feel where I'm coming from?'

Btw, I've learned it's okay to pity yourself. I've come to see this as feeling sorrow for my self. There can definitely be a kind of sadness or grief when we feel a lost sense of self. It's like you can be all heroic or incredibly logical for some time until, for whatever reason, you lose the sense of the hero in you or the sense of the analyst in you. It can feel sad but it doesn't mean you can't regain that sense of self, with some guidance. Perhaps it was the analyst or the sage in you that led you here, in order to help you make sense of things. You gotta celebrate that sense of self.

Knowing when to gently question others and when to wake others up to a serious issue, a big psychological slap (yelling at them), is challenging. Gaining a sense of how they're feeling or even why they're not feeling what you are is another challenge. The challenges can go on when you're 'a feeler'. If you can feel someone shutting you down, it's triggering. When you can feel someone not caring about what matters to you, it's triggering. When you can feel the need for excitement but everyone around you's happily vibing in a state of doing nothing, it's triggering. To feel so much is definitely triggering. I've found, to pause and get a sense of exactly what I'm feeling before I react can be a challenge at times but it can make a difference. Pausing provides some time to work out how to manage what you're feeling.

Carefully triggering people to imagine what you're feeling can make some difference.