I don't want people to think my depression is my personality

[Juliet]

Hi everyone,

Just thinking about what is hardest for me in dealing with my depression and I think one of the main things is that I am just so sad that people must think that my depression is my personality. I am not this person that I am right now though! I don't think they remember who the real me is now. They don't remember that I used to have fun and make jokes and get excited. I'm so scared that my parents are going to pass away one day and not know who I am. I don't want them to think that I am this miserable, lazy, negative, snappy person that I am right now.

Sorry to be a downer.. Thanks for listening,

Juliet

[geoff]

dear Juliet, if only people knew that depression was an illness all on it's own, it has nothing what's so ever to do with your personality, and even if they want to believe this rubbish could be because people who get depressed as those people who are caring and sensitive, not for themselves but for other people.

How did you go over Xmas, and this may seem to be a stupid question as someone with depression it must have been awful.

I remember when I visited Mum in the nursing home, and it was night time, but she wasn't very responsive at this time in her life, but I walked in to say hello, but I started to cry and not unusual with my depression, and suddenly her state of mind literally changed, just like 30 years ago, and said to me, 'what's wrong darling', I felt reattached to her.

Your parents will still love you, and you and myself have done naughty things in the past thinking that they won't love us, but of course their love is always there. L Geoff. x

[Juliet]

Thanks Geoff. That means a lot.

hehe yes you are right christmas was awful. I tried to pretend I was happy but I couldn't feel anything and I think I slept for 14 hours or something the next day I was so exhausted. Found out how much of my emotions were due to that day though so I felt a lot more in control after it was over. Coming on here gave me some strength for the day x

Juliet

[Neil_1]

Hi Juliet

Firstly, no, there's no need for sorry ... there's no downer in your post.  I thought it was a good and thought provoking post;  and it's so true.

Underneath, we all have our own personalities and sometimes they're able to raise to the surface.  That's I guess, on our ultra good days.  But for the most part, they're lying below the surface and what comes through is the depressive symptoms on display.  Of course, when we're able to put on a mask and shunt the depression down so we put 'on a front' so no-one realises we are depressed, we have a different personality.  I wonder, IS that personality who we are?   Or is that even a little different because we are kind of acting / we are hiding the depression from people.

I did that for soooooooo long and it was exhausting as well.  To be masked up during the day and then once at home, the mask could come 'half off', because I still didn't want the kids to see what was lurking underneath.

Holy ... it's a battle, isn't it?!?!?!?!?  It's a tiring battle;   and sometimes we win our mini battles, but still the war rages on.

Brilliant post Juliet ... sorry, I've upgraded it from good to brilliant, as for me, it's unleashed a lot of thoughts, some of which I've just listed down.

I wonder what others think?

Neil

[Neil_1]

Hi Juliet,  just me again ...

And my apologies for not asking in my first post ... I'm gathering from what you wrote, that your parents are unaware of your illness?  Have you not felt you're able to tell them about your depression?  Are they possibly of the vintage where they may not understand depression?

Sorry for the bombardment of questions, but just wanted to know.

Kind regards

Neil

[Juliet]

Hi Neil,

The mask is so exhausting! Do you not ever do that anymore? That must feel better than putting on a good face all the time. How do you manage to do that I wonder! ?!

My parents do know about my depression. A lot more now because I had to move in with them about eight months ago when I left my job. They are quite good with it, it's just that they are getting older and it makes me worry about how I am being to them.

No doubt probably over worrying! 

Juliet

[Neil_1]

Hi Juliet

No, the mask is still there ... it's just kind of like got an elastisized backing, so I can push it up from time to time.  Whereas in the past, it was on pretty much all of the time.  I've got to the stage where I'm exposing more of my debilitated state on more occasions, probably cause I now don't give a $%#$ ... I dunno though, it's really hard.  Cause for a lot of the time you have to mask up.  I'm probably not making any sense, and I think i've gotta stop with these constant stupid analogies. 

You worry because you're a caring person ... and that's something I am learning from this illness, that it seems to affect the same kinds of people.  The deep down, caring and supportive people.  But also don't worry about how you are with them, because I'd have no doubt that you'd be nothing short of wonderful with them.

Cheers

Neil