I don't understand...

[Catatonic]

I don't understand this feeling...
My life: I have a good job, beautiful children, a house, car, money etc. I should be happy... I should be smiling and loving life... I am now out of a DV relationship.

But I am not, I struggle to get out of bed, I don't feel happy. I feel worthless and pathetic, I have constant thoughts about how everyone would be better off without me here, I'm too gutless to do anything tho. My kids deserve better not this shell of a person I have become 😞

I am on Antidepressants and I am in counselling. But I don't feel any better. I can't see a way out of this black hole 😞

[Jo3]

Hi Catatonic,

I'm sorry to read your story and hear that you are struggling.  I too have depression and on medication which i don't like to take but have realised that i must for my wellbeing.  I have been seeing a psych for 3 years. I have felt just like you where i wanted out, i felt worthless and helpless and even thought that my family would be better off without me.  BUT, no my husband and kids mean more than anything.  I know it's hard some days to even get out of bed or even feel the slightest motivated to do anything.  

It is a struggle but i believe you can do it.  Just stay positive and stay strong; believe in yourself that you can get through this.  Think of your children, they need you as their mum.

 I hope this helps a bit; please take care of yourself

 Jo

[Catatonic]

I feel so stuck in this funk. I am constantly sad. I think about suicide a lot. I have even planned how I would do it. If I could just work out a way that I wouldn't hurt anyone else, I would do it. But I would much rather me be hurting then anyone else... So here I stay. Just waiting for me to become the person I was: happy, bubbly, confident.

😞 I don't know how long I can keep this up.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Catatonic,

Why "should" you be happy with the job/kids/house/car/money/etc package ?

What is your expectation ?     What about YOU ?    It's really unfair to try and fit into the stereotype when you're suffering from that much negativity.   If you had cancer would you be saying to yourself that the challenging treatment and physical suffering is bad because it means you can't drive your kids to soccer practise on Thursday because  that's chemo day ?

Maybe the counselling is working because it's not making things any worse.   These things take a while to kick in.  You're not worthless, you're ill.  Your motivation might be low but you know in your heart that things could be better.  You write that you are "now out of a DV relationship" but your mindset might still be there, thinking you're useless and not in control.   If you can survive an abusive relationship you will, hopefully, pick up the slack in a while and stop putting yourself down.  That part of your life is gone.   The future is brighter than you give credit to.

Adios, David.

PS  I bet you got out of the DV relationship less than 2 years ago.  That's gonna take a bit of healing.

[Catatonic]

Jo - Thank you for your message, I really appreciate it. I am trying to stay positive and I am reaching out and doing all the right things, I just hate this mindset that I am in. Its so horrible...

David - Why should I? Ummm, because I have more then most? Because I am lucky and have worked hard to get where I am. I should be happy. Maybe I just have high expectations of myself.

It's kinda got worse with the counselling I'd have to stay. I've only just been recently diagnosed with Depression in the last 4 months. I have been at counselling for 18months.

I do think I am useless and worthless and not in control with how I am feeling you are right... And it has been less then 2 years since I got out.

I put on this happy face to go to work its such a fake. I get home and just feel Flat and exhausted. Night times are the worse. The thoughts and having nothing to distract myself from me.

[vip]

Hi Catatonic I attempted suicide 3 years ago and survived and it was the most horrendous recovery. Anyway 3 years on i am off the antidepressants still under a gp and a psych. I have been a sufferer with this though for 22 years. Just give your recovery some more time it will take a while but believe me you will get better. Surround yourself with posative loving caring people and please dont be afraid to speak to them about how your feeling these are the steps to recovery. I am not short of anything either but it was just that feeling of being happy that was hard for me. I volunteer a lot now fundraise for beyond blue and i find this boosts my confidence and helps  me smile knowing i can help others maybe this is something you can try down the track. Dont give up and keep fighting you are already on the road to recovery by speaking on this forum. Take care of yourself

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Catatonic,

What about thinking how things might be better in,say, 5 or even 10 years time.  Maybe you could see a different counsellor ?     It's pretty good you've been regularly attending.    This year I couldn't get to my new counsellor after about 3 sessions as we weren't a good match.    But with the right person............

NIght times are definitely the worse.    But that's what BB is for.  It's nearly 1am now as I write this.  A lot of people post overnight.   Maybe feeling guilty about stuff is the most powerful emotion.  And when we're guilty we punish ourselves.

Adios, David.

[Catatonic]

Thank you David for your reply. I am started to see a different counsellor soon. Night times suck. Its a little hard on here tho, because even tho you post the replies don't show up so its hard to follow a conversation if that makes sense?

Life in 5 years? Honestly - I can't see 5 years in time...

Sen thank you for sharing your personal story... I do try to surround myself by my friends, but at times its hard to be around them - because I feel like a fake for acting happy as I don't want to bring them down, and the flakiness is tiring...

[geoff]

dear David Charles, my friend, I see that you are writing this post at 1 am, that's my time to take your place.

I thought that with my half brain LOL  that I had replied to Catatonic or maybe it was lost in 'system error'.

Catatonic I can't believe that after 18 months you were diagnosed with depression, as it would only take a few moments for someone who has had depression to be able to ascertain this.

Why should you be happy by having the luxury's in life, depression doesn't give a damn if you have $4000k in the bank, it doesn't care, but your decision to stay for your children's sake and who else you may care is remarkable.

I see that Sen does volunteer work for Beyond Blue and to be able to achieve this is like going for the jugular, it's hitting depression full on, and that's what I did after my divorce, I hit my depression head on by helping elderly people who were suffering themselves with depression.

It happened by accident but then it snowballed as person A and then B and then K all needed help and were asking me for help, maybe I didn't want to commit myself, but forced into doing it. Geoff.

[Catatonic]

Geoff, I was in counselling because of the DV relationship (before I got out), it was only after a loss of a pregnancy, constant abuse after leaving the relationship, and dealing with everything on my own that I crumbled and went into the downward spiral of depression.