I don’t think I’ll get another chance

[I_got_it_too_late]

Hi all first post here.

after 8 years of being on a total roller coaster of behaviour which has lead to many arguments with my wife of 13 years I have finally been give a dose of antidepressants which seem to work and make me feel normal but the last 2 months behaviour I think will be too much to overturn.

i have over the years blamed her for not making me happy despite being pretty much a perfect wife . I have said she does t show affection , is lazy at sex, does t put out enough , is nicer to other people than me , have said things about her sexual past and even worst of all shared some of them with her parents .

i have know what I was doing was wrong but I physically couldn’t stop my cycle of behaviour . I would be good for two weeks , slide for a week then bad for a week . Then ask what was my wife’s problem for her not being nice to me as I’d moved on from what I had just done

i have moved out 6 weeks ago and had a week on week off good bad behaviour which I was triggered by white lies that would totally set me off on an accusational rampage .
the last straw was when I was t told about my kids Christmas carols at school which I unloaded on her mother in law at which point I knew I was at the end of what was acceptable and seriously considered ending it all . Only the thoughts of my 3 kids stopped me .

i spent 4 days in a psych hospital at my own request for my safety .

i am now level for the first time in 7-8 years and feel excited about things and energetic . I feel butterflies in my stomach about my wife as I can see and appreciate her again . It then there’s what I’ve done.

Despite me now seeing the light it thinking’s too late

any thoughts

[white knight]

Hi, welcome,

Thankyou for your honesty) you have lots of insight into your behaviour that has been erratic. You feel however that it is too late to repair the damage.

The real answer to this lies in your wife's decision. There is some things we cannot control and other peoples choices are theirs alone. Some might be convinced of a new leaf turned but they are in the minority. Also, having children involved can sway your normal tendency to move on, an attachment understandable, beware of that. Children are resilient and adapt far better that we do. A school principle told me that after I kept ringing every morning to see how my daughters were coping. "Better than their father" she blurted out.

I made an attempt on my life. It was 1996 and the emotional abuse over 11 years was too much to bare. Then like you I thought of my kids (7 and 4yo) and left one week later after a smoke ring was aimed at my face. I left, decided I'd dedicate my life to my daughters to be the best part time dad ever. My eldest came to live with me at 12yo and at 28yo she married and as we approached the alter I asked myself- "who wouldhave taken my place?" It was then my daughter said "thanks for hanging around in my life dad" Tears flowed- I made it.

I can only offer you my ideas. I would pursue medication more thoroughly so maximum stability is achieved, therapy - whatever it takes. Learning on this forum is good for between visits to the psych for education.there is thousands of threads here just use search.

You would know better than anyone if your wife needs space, time to trust or is missing you. As my therapist reminded me once- "action speaks louder than words." You cant betray your word that you've changed- it doesnt happen that quickly even with the right meds and this is the outlook your wife likely holds. Some of our behaviours is mental others is personality. So, I'd meet with her at a cafe, be frank and regretful. Tell her what you have said here and leave it to her to choose. Talk too much and she'll turn away. Lighten up the latter half of the meeting with laughter and talk of the children. When you depart, inform her that you wont pressurize her. I'd then allow what I'd feel is a reasonable period of time to receive an answer (I would not ring her- thats her job) then I'd move on.

Use search

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The best praise you'll ever get

Relationship split

Anger and frustration

TonyWK

[I_got_it_too_late]

Thank you for your reply .
I have pretty much told her everything like my original post . She can see my behaviour getting better but she is still so hurt by my actions and words. She is scared of getting hurt again .

It’s hard as i am feeling actually bright and healthy of mind for the first time in 7 -8 years and yet she is battling to consider me .
I try not to pressure her but end up doing it as I have to ask what her intentions are with lawyers or money

or the business .

it’s a tightrope .

i can only try so much and as I said to her tonight so t know where or how to start to make amends . I do t know where this starts and ends I just know I want to make it right so badly

as you said at the start it will be up to her . I can only apologise so many times