I don't see my smile anymore

[Resilence]

I use to always be a happy person and was called smiley before but now I don't see myself even looking at myself in the mirror anymore. I've been depressed since I've been 16 and now I'm 24 I suffer from anxiety and I've finally decided to take medication to help me and so far it has been helping me little by little each day. I see a psychologist every now and then but feel like I always need to vent ALOT because I'm such an emotional person and I feel so much better when it is out. This drives me crazy as a person. I feel like my personality as a person makes me crazy at times its like I can't be happy anymore. I'm a social person and I feel so depressed all the time when I don't get enough interaction in my day or when I'm left alone for a couple hours in my day... I hate it. I hate being alone. I hate living in this isolated area and being away from people. When I don't talk to someone in my day it drives me crazy I just want to drive somewhere and TALK. I've been very confused about which career to do for many years now and I struggle making decisions and anxious about making wrong choices. I've done a few different careers and I don't want to be a failure again. I either get bored from the job or feel like I need more talking in the job. Every job I've done I've legit hated and it has made me depressed all the time. I sit at tafe and I feel so costriphobic being in a classroom all day and sitting on my ass.. I hate it.. I hate studying and have never liked school.. I'm not enjoying tafe and I don't find it fun at all.. I hate it so much but I do it because I'd rather be depressed in class then be depressed sitting at home. I will be worse. I'm so outgoing, hands on and I value my freedom heaps. Is anyone out there feel like me? Can anyone relate to this? My personality drives me crazy! I feel like my heart is a ghost town.. Forever depressed and I never find anything I'm passionate about or LOVE. How long do I have to be miserable for seriously? 

[blondguy]

Hi Resilence

Welcome to the BB Forums and thankyou for posting

I just want to say good on you for taking the meds and seeing a therapist too! You are a very intelligent person to have done so. I have had anxiety for many years and the good news is that it does decrease in severity and can be healed. I am sorry and understand exactly what you have been going through. The symptoms are awful absolutely but they will weaken.....especially if you dont fight them.

I too cant stand being alone...and have been every day since Dec 11 2015. Its bad news...I agree with you!

There is nothing wrong with being sensitive....Your personality is fine, I am not a health professional but it seems that your anxiety and/or depression is the illness the entity you really hate, and I dont blame you. I also find myself really missing interaction and I just dont have any with anyone right now...

Career.....There is no hurry...you are only 24! Take your time and when you are up to it maybe think about it then. I also miss going out as much as I used to as well...You seem to punishing yourself for having anxiety which is no different than a physical illness. Its still chemically based which makes it  a physical problem. Sure...the symptoms are awful and they are...but they are still just feelings.....just bad ones.

You are outgoing...and crave company...same here...you also are very articulate and smart Resilence. Would you get this angry at a broken bone....or a virus....or a serious infection? Of course you wouldnt...because it wouldnt help you get any better.

I do feel your pain so very much and I actually felt like I was reading my own post. You cant fight the anxiety...period...it only feeds the fire..If you can use calm acceptance (yes it takes practice...and time) after a while the anxiety will lose its severity. It does decrease in strength.

There is nothing 'crazy' about you...You are going through resisting the anxiety and how it makes you feel. I do hope you find some peace Resilence.

Your situation is very sad and very very frustrating...There is also nothing wrong with Venting a lot...Good on You! Even if it is your GP, try to see someone every two weeks...You have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I see your post is dated the 19th March...I have only seen it appear today. I am sorry for the delay Resilence.

We are here for you and please post back and let me know how you are going....if you wish of course

Be 'Gentle' to yourself

Paul

[blondguy]

I am sorry to double post you Resilence...

* Congrats to you for having the courage to post..Many people wouldn't have had the guts to do so!

You will smile again. The storm will pass in time and the anxiety will fade away. Please call a GP and vent away. You deserve to find some peace

Please take Care

Paul

[Neil_1]

Hi there resilience

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for providing your post.

You’ve certainly got a number of things happening and yet, it seems that there’s still things that need to be addressed.

You say you get depressed and don’t like it when you’re alone, and I can understand that as you say you’re an outgoing person.  But when you are in your TAFE course and the surrounds, surely there’d be loads of people about?  Couldn’t you mix in there and get a bit of a group going?  Perhaps go somewhere for a coffee and chat, perhaps even to the movies?

Do you feel your studying will lead you to a better or more suitable job to your skills?  Do you have much longer to go to complete it?

Also, just wondering how long you’ve been now taking your medication for?  For these kinds of medications there is usually a period of time where it does take some weeks before they fully kick in and do their thing – usually around the 4-5 week timeframe.

What do you think you could do to get that spark of happiness back again ?   To get your smile going again ?   You said you used to be happy.  Can you remember back then, to perhaps some of the kinds of things you were doing at that time and whether it’s possible to try and recreate those things or along similar lines to that?

I will send this off now and I do hope to hear back from you.

Neil

[JHT]

Try find a Job that is hands on as it seems you like to be hands on as you have mentioned, and sitting in one place like TAFE makes you bored.

 Do you like creating/making things, or fixing things?
Try look into a job that allows you to do this.