Lost...what next??

[Vita16]

So, what next?

 I have been on medication for 4 months and feel better for it aside from the side-effects.

I have seen my psychologist every fortnight as well which has been challenging, uncomfortable, rewarding, safe, and even a couple of funny moments thrown as well.

Thing is I don't feel as down or sad as I used to, but don't feel happy either - am not sure what that means. Therapy seems to be going well, but I'm left wondering what next?

She has progressed me to mindfulness - ie being the moment be it work, family, friends or by myself > am trying, but it is hard when I'm used to going at life at a million miles an hour.

Have been compliant with my self-care plan - exercise, rest, sleep, etc.

Work has been ok, reduced hours to 45-50/week, but am finding motivation problematic. Have never been one to procrastinate, but seem quite good at it now. Breaking things down, lists etc are getting me through.

I know that things will improve with time; I get it is ok not to be ok; I get that that if we're a magic solution to depression someone would have provided it by now.

But when I was undiagnosed, miserable, and at risk at least I had that...now I just feel like a rudderless ship.

Just re-reading this post I'm rambling a lot - sorry, not very readable, but maybe a reflection of where I am.

Thanks for reading

Vita

[Starwolf]

Hi Vita,

Well done for taking courageous steps towards your recovery. Your post is a clear reflection of where you're at. Being/having been there, many of us will find it perfectly "relatable".

Lack of interest and motivation is one of depression by-products. It also blinkers off the beautiful side of Life (and also ours), leaving us feeling like debris washed off on the tide line. Recovery is a long road, with rough patches, tight curves and obstacles on the way. You are right, there is no magic solution but it also has its magic moments. Support and patient work will move things along. Step by step and at your own pace. Small victories will accumulate, leading to slow but significant progress.

Mindfulness is a valuable tool towards recovery. Not easy at first but -like all else- with persistence it will become a habit. It takes time for the brain to rewire itself and integrate new things. Returning to your physical center when the going gets tough is also helpful. This is about focusing on an area slightly above the navel (known by martial artists as the seat of inner power). You will feel the spine automatically lengthening, freeing all the nerves which are rooted there. Tight shoulders will drop... It has an instant calming effect. Great in emergencies.

Joining these forums is a terrific decision. You will find here understanding and compassion, useful tips, a safe place to return to as you wish. Welcome to the network. Your contribution here will always be appreciated so thank you for sharing your story. Great to have you on board.

I hope you have a peaceful day.

[TheSteve]

Hi Vita,

Thanks for sharing. The way you outlined your story, from past to present, was a fascinating read and really brought back memories of my own experiences several years ago. One thing that jumped out at me: "...when I was undiagnosed, miserable, and at risk at least I had that....". Very interesting, and understandable.

When we go through bouts of depression and anxiety, the depression/anxiety/feeling itself becomes something we identify with. We have "something" - something to beat; to overcome; to get better from; to understand; to live with; to work around, and so on. It becomes our "reason" for doing things. "I will do xxxx in order to beat this depression". And so on. It becomes part of our character.

Now, once we understand it, overcome it, get past it, there can be a void. No longer are we on that "mission" to "beat" something, to overcome. Now things are "ok". What now?

The beauty of it all is, there is no reason. We don't have to identify, overcome, anything. We are complete, whole, now. Nothing is required to make us whole, no battle is necessary to prove who or what we are. We are complete as it is.

Acceptance of this is important. We need to relax within this knowledge, and given that we have a chance at life, play it out to the full. See what our destiny holds for us. 

Sometimes, the meds we take, which play an important role in leveling our moods and "turning the volume down" on the anxiety in our life, can also slightly dim our feelings. You can chat with your doc about the length of time you should be on the meds, but make no drastic changes. Use these as long  as you need to, and until you resolve all of the underlying issues stick with the program. Any changes need to be in consultation with your doc, and generally need to be slow and gradual.

There is much out there for you. You have conquered a major problem, you don't need anything else to show who you are. You are you, and you are whole. Come back and chat anytime, all my best to you.

Steve

[Vita16]

Thanks Steve and star wolf 

Acceptance of my current situation  has been challenging to say the least- what I thought was control was something quite different in reality and the therapy has helped no end in that space.

At least now I see myself being around rather than thinking it would be easier if I weren't here being miserable and a burden on everyone.

I suppose time is what is needed - have been unwell for many years, and can't expect a quick turn around.

This is without doubt the hardest challenge of my life - not the first person to say that on here I would suggest. 

Am rambling again (sorry)- I'm so just tired and fatigued. And lost - it seems negative thoughts have replaced with exhaustion and not much else.

again thanks for words and allowing me ramble on

vita

[Starwolf]

Hey Vita,

Don't worry about rambling on, you make perfect sense. Venting your feelings is what these forums are for.

Yes, depression is tiring. Fighting against yourself on top of it only adds to the exhaustion. So please, give yourself a break. You deserve it. Progressing from not wanting to be around to appreciating being alive is a HUGE step. This achievement deserves self-respect and a standing ovation.

We are often our harshest critics, quick to see ourselves as failure. Depression is an illness, not weakness of character. As Steve so rightly pointed out, acceptance plays a huge part in the recovery process.

My best wishes go with you.

[TheSteve]

Please come back and chat anytime Vita. There is no "rambling" or carrying on when you are feeling like this, it is all therapeutic and a healthy way of coping as opposed to bottling it up, which is quite unhealthy.

We are here for you.

Steve