I don't really feel anything anymore...why could this be?

[faegirl]

Hi there,
I'm not exactly too good at conveying my thoughts in a succinct manner, so I'm sorry if this get's confusing.

As the title says I don't really feel anything anymore. I sort of walk around like some sort of robot, going through the motions, feigning happiness when I'm in my classes at uni and I don't know if this is normal? It's almost like my base mood is really quite low and flat, and that I feel empty as if there's nothing left in me. I don't genuinely feel happiness (only fleeting moments), I don't even feel sad a lot of the time, I just don't really feel anything.

I'll admit, I've put myself through a lot of sleep deprivation due to studying which started maybe around year 12 (so I've done it on and off for about 3 years), and my diet hasn't been the best so that could be why I feel low on energy at times, but I have been working on sleeping more instead of staying up late to finish work.

Despite this, my low / empty feelings persist, it feels more than just tiredness. I don't care for things anymore. Things don't give me any satisfaction, I don't get really upset over things anymore (aside from when I'm super stressed from uni and break down haha), I don't get really happy over anything either. Music, the one thing which I swore I could never live without, which used to make me feel good, is now starting to sound like noise in my ears to block out the world. I don't really know why I am this way.

I used to put this "deadness" down to my personality, I've been this dry/kind of emotionless person for as long as I can remember, but I think lately it's gotten a little worse. I was always told as a child to "smile more" or to stop being pessimistic etc. but now I've kind of begun to wonder whether this is just my personality or if it is something more?

At times, on top of my low mood I get hit with really dark periods where I lose all motivation, I don't talk to anyone (not that I have anyone aside from my family to talk to anyway), I don't do anything. I just sit in bed and watch crap on netflix or youtube to distract myself from the thoughts. I feel that I cry more easily nowadays (and I don't really know why because I don't feel extremely sad) and these periods have started happening more frequently as of late.

I don't know if this is depression. I don't have any real reason to be depressed. Is it all in my head? I really have no idea anymore. Has anyone felt the same way before?

[White_Rose]

Dear Faegirl

Hello and welcome to the forum. So pleased you found us. You have told us your thoughts very well and I am not confused. Good stuff.

If you are concerned about being clinically depressed may I point you to the literature on BB. Top of the page under The Facts. Heaps of information that may help you. Look at the Anxiety and Depression checklist (K10) under The Facts. It's not a diagnostic tool but will give an indication of where you are. Then if you want to follow up on this take it to your GP and go from there.

I agree about eating the right foods. I know my mood changes if I don't eat properly for more than a couple of meals. It is good to get into the habit of having meals with all the right things. You can eat chocolate or biscuits or whatever in small amounts without your mood going down. Well, not unless there is another cause for the way you feel.

Depression does not need a reason to push its way into your life. The Black Dog makes itself at home wherever it fancies. It's no respecter of gender, financial status, age, ethnicity, skin colour, or any other attribute you can think of. It walks into the happiest of homes and jumps all over the affected person. So please do not blame yourself.

Has anyone felt the same way before? Oh yes I have been there and sometimes find myself back there. You believe you have no feelings good or bad, and that is upsetting because you know this is not usual for you. Yes, lack of sleep and too much work can rob you of feelings because you have no energy. However you must have some feeling for yourself because you have come here, self preservation. Also you say you cry a lot although you are not sure why.

When you have gone for a long period without sleep it takes time to regain your former alertness. A couple of good night's sleep make you feel a bit better but you need to repair the damage to your system. Again a matter to discuss with your doctor. I think this is pretty serious and you need help. While you are young and fit, constant overworking and lack of sleep can be managed to some extent, but as you have discovered time catches up with you.

I'm sure a doctor will tell you it can lead to all sorts of horrible illnesses and they are probably right. I have had breast cancer twice and my oncologist tells me I stand a better chance of avoiding a third cancer if I lose some weight. Having been given the heads up I am now losing weight. Not easy to do.

I hope you will write in again.

Mary

[Chloe_M]

Hi faegirl,

I'm glad you posted. I am here to help you! Welcome!

So sometimes you are sad, sometimes happy, but most the time you feel nothing. You fake happiness. You ask if this is normal. Is it? It is for me lol. I have depression and anxiety. I often pretend to be happy. So is this normal? I don't actually know. But I don't think so.

That's good about making an effort to get better sleep. You need to balance your life in order for it to be healthy.

All of this that you have written sounds similar to what I'm dealing with, which might be depression (im undiagnosed). But i cannot diagnose you. No one here can. We are just here to support you.

To answer your question, yes I feel the same way as you are now.

I hope you feel better today. Keep trying to do the things you used to enjoy. You don't want to lose parts of your identity.

Chloe x

[OnlyHuman]

Hello Faegirl,

Welcome to the forum 🙂

Chloe is definitely right in that we cannot give you a diagnosis of any sort, but we can support you and also give you a bit of our own experiences too.

You aren't alone in feeling that way. While what Mary said is also true about the other things such as sleep and diet that may be contributing to this sensation (or lack of), there is also often a misconception that having depression means being sad. I can only say from experience, but that is not true. Having depression can also give you a feeling of, well, not feeling (except for some negative and/or extreme sensations such as stress or anxiety.)

I have been diagnosed for almost a year, but have lived with depression around 6 years before that, and during that time I had a blunted/flat affect, apathy and no sense of satisfaction or joy - many people said I reminded them of the cartoon 'Daria' and I too also received commands from others to 'smile'.

Sometimes when we look at our lives objectively, we see little reason to feel empty, but that isn't a reason for neglecting our response to it. Having some time to reflect may also help to find where this sensation stems from and why. Is there something you are dissatisfied with? How were things different before you felt this way?

Hope this helps somewhat, and it's great that you're reaching out 🙂

[stormcloudz]

I might be wrong, but I have found that a wave of depression/numbness often follows anxiety. Sometimes it happens so fast, the anxiety doesn't even show up consciously. I often wonder if the numbness is there to block out the pain, and maybe there's a lot of feelings underneath.

Regardless, faegirl, it's time to get yourself some support. Numbness and losing interest in music isn't a way to thrive.

Keep posting here, there's amazing people on this board who can provide advice, and see your GP to get some help. Some GPs are great in understanding these issues, some aren't, so if you hit a bad one, move on to the next, just like you would with a barista who can't make a decent soy chai latte ; )

[faegirl]

Hi Mary,
Thanks for your response. I'm so, so sorry to hear that you've suffered from breast cancer twice. That must be really hard. I hope you manage to avoid a third cancer. x

I took a look at the K10 checklist and I managed to score "high" 😕 I will take a look at some of the other information on this site as well.

I don't eat too much junk, I try and eat good foods, but I probably should've been a little more specific. By "bad diet" I meant I don't really eat much anymore, whoops. I don't really have an appetite like I used to, and I get full pretty quickly. Whatever I have been eating though, I've been trying to make sure it's nutritious (though I could probably do better).

This past week I've been trying to get as much sleep as I can, but on a few nights I kept waking up 😕 It's almost as if my body doesn't want me to get a good solid sleep.

Again, thanks for your response. It is nice to know that there is support out there. xx

[faegirl]

Hi Chloe,
Thanks for replying, sorry you're going through the same thing I am. It really sucks 😕 I hope you eventually no longer have to fake happiness.

I felt more or less the same as usual. I spent the day watching some TV shows in bed but it helped me to feel a little better as I wasn't really thinking about everything.

Fae x

[faegirl]

Hey OnlyHuman,
Thanks for responding.
What you've said about generally not feeling anything, but at times feeling negative emotions is pretty much me. Ah yes, I have been likened to Daria a couple of times, also Squidward from spongebob.

Honestly, I'm not too sure where these feelings could stem from. I don't really know why I feel this way anymore. I don't quite remember a time when I didn't feel like this, aside from maybe when I was in primary school. I was just a regular kid. A very quiet kid, but I suppose I was fairly happy or content. I can't really pinpoint when or why I started being this way. All I know is, it got worse as high school went on and now it's like theres nothing left of me ahahaha.

Thanks again,
Fae.

[faegirl]

Hi stormcloudz,
Thanks for the reply.
I sometimes feel that the numbness happens for that reason - to block out pain. Like it's our body's defence mechanism.

I've been thinking that too, that it's time I do something about this since it only seems to be getting worse. I just don't know how to bring it up to my parents (I still live at home). My mum is the religious type who thinks that everything can be solved with religion, and all my dad says is "it'll get better".

Would it be worthwhile going to a GP or straight to a psych?
I didn't mention this earlier, but I attended a talk with my mother last year. It was about raising adolescents in a world different to theirs (the parents). I suppose it was trying to open up to the parents to the sorts of challenges we face today that they didn’t have when they grew up (what with social media, cyber bullying, societal pressures etc).
The lady giving the talk was a psychologist and she started talking about a particular topic and at that point I started crying (it just happened and I couldn't stop). The psychologist saw me crying and afterwards pulled me aside to have a little talk. She seemed to imply that I was suffering something, because she mentioned that she doesn't like to push meds on people but sometimes they are necessary to make you feel better/ even out your mood. By this point I was wondering whether I was really that bad?

Anyway, I think I may have her number somewhere and was wondering whether it’s worth going straight to her? I just don’t know how much this sort of thing costs, or whether a health fund covers it or anything which is why I would need to consult my parents about it first but I just can’t bring it up with them.

I was forced into counselling at school in year 11/12 which my parents knew about, but the counsellor wasn’t really that helpful and it was all free. I am just worried if I reach out for help that it would be the same thing all over again (being unhelpful and stuff).

[Chloe_M]

Hi faegirl,

I did the K10 checklist and i scored high too. Just letting you know that you're not alone 🙂

If you go to a GP you can get a mental health plan. Might be worthwhile. You could also go to a Headspace centre (if you're under 25). Or you could go to a private psych. I'm going to Headspace on Monday. They also have GPs there.

I don't think that if you go to a professional again you will have the same experience. I think all psychs have a different way of approaching things. Its worth a shot seeing someone though.

Hope you had an okay day.

Chloe