I don't know why I keep fighting.

[Bubble44]

To be clear, this isn't a post about being suicidal. I'm not and I'm confident that I never will be.

Despite that though, I feel like I'm done with life. I fought so hard to dig my way out of a pit of unrelenting depression and loneliness. The very short version is due to extreme abuse at the hands of family members for two whole decades, I took much longer than most people my age to develop social skills. I'm 21 now. During high school, there was about a 4 year period where I had maybe two conversations a day that weren't with a family member (which you can't escape if you live with them). I had no friends. They all left me. I spent my final years of high school desperately fighting to attain a core group of friends who actually cared about me. And I did it. I thought I won. Despite countless nights of crying myself to sleep because all I had felt for years was rage and pain I finally had a group of people around me who genuinely cared and supported me. I did it, despite all the odds.

So here I am. Everything should be okay now right? Well, most of my friends have abandoned me because I refused to put up with issues from someone in the group. He tried to rape a friend of mine (she was their friend too). They admitted that yes, he did try to rape her. So who did they choose? Me, who never did anything to any of them? Of course not. They cut me out of their lives and continued to associate with this rapist. Now, I could understand if they cut us both off. Sometimes people just don't get along. Not everyone has to like me. I get that. But keeping him and throwing me away? There is only one way to interpret that. People that I loved more than I have ever loved my own family, people that meant EVERYTHING to me. To these people, I am worth less than a rapist. The few friends I retained (who were also cut off) are also drifting away now. We have no common interests (they only ever talk about cars. Seriously, for hours on end) and they often organise events without inviting me. I also have no dating life. As soon as a girl notices I'm inexperienced or notice a hint of my depression, they vanish.

I have spent half of my life one notch away from wanting to end my life. I prevailed (and will continue to), but what do I have to show for it? I am worth less than a rapist. When my closest friends thought that, how could anyone ever care? What's the point of having friends? What's the point in dating? Why should I even bother? It always ends the same way.

[Not_Batman]

Hi bubble44.

welcome to the forum and having such courage to post your story.

please let me commend you also on having the courage to call out something that was so heinous that these people felt was normal. This shows that you have a caring quality.

as much as it hurts, put those that abandoned you behind you, its not worth the heartache.

The main point I want to make is that you are not worth less than a rapist!

Not_Batman

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Bubble44..

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums...

I am sorry for What has been going on in your life..I totally agree with Not Batman...You are definitely not worth less then a rapist.... If your friends prefer to hang around with a rapist..let them...I know that you deserve much better friends then they ever were to you...In my heart anyone who hangs around a rapist is not much better them him....You deserve beautiful caring friends...like your soul is...Feel proud of yourself for not associating with them anymore..I am proud of you..and I am a stranger to you..

Do you have any interests that you like?..I ask this because there are many craft/hobby groups around many areas that you could join to get to know people with the same interests as you have...

I’m wondering if you have reached out to your Dr. for help with your depression..if not, would it be something that you might consider?..

We are her for you dear Bubbles...with our care and support for you....Please talk here anytime you feel up to it...you are not alone...

My kindest and most caring thoughts...

Grandy..

[sunnyl20]

Hey Bubble44,

I am so sorry to hear about everything that has been happening. I cannot imagine how horrible it must have been to have people abuse you and abandon you like that, it sounds awful. Please know that you are NOT worth less than a rapist. Not at all. You are worth so much, even though I can hear that you may not feel like that or see it. It is clear that you personally could not keep your conscience if you continued to engage with that person in the same way - that takes a lot of courage and strength to go against the group and stand your ground, but as you have described, it can really hurt when people turn against you for it when you have done nothing wrong. I hear you, and I'm really sorry that this happened.

I know you may be feeling really hopeless right now, and questioning why you should bother with dating and friendships, but it also sounds like something that you do want to work on? Childhood experiences that make you lose your trust and make it hard to develop friendships/relationships as well as depression can make it feel like there is no hope, but I assure you there are people out there that will be interested in you. If you are open to it, I would really encourage you to reach out to/look at The Blue Knot Foundation (https://www.blueknot.org.au/) and Headspace (1800 650 890, https://headspace.org.au/) for support and resources if you feel up to it.

Please do not hesitate to talk more if and when you are feeling up to it. We are here to listen. Take care.

[John_P]

I get it!

Life is hard, people abandon you, people take advantage of you. People are terrible. Everywhere you turn, you get the short end of the stick. You are worth more than a rapist. That's for sure.

You can win in life! you are only 21 years old. What I do know for sure is: that you can win in life! you have your whole life ahead of you! you can be and do what ever you choose! you can become as health and fit as YOU choose! You can travel anywhere in the world (after COVID) that YOU choose. You can do whatever profession YOU choose! You can date any woman YOU choose (after obtaining dating skills)! You can become as rich as YOU choose!

You are so young that you have your whole future available to you and you can cultivate anything you like!

BUT this will be determined by how you can accept your past! GOOD LUCK my friend!

[Bubble44]

Thanks for the replies. It's nice to know that there are people out there caring enough to give some of their time to a stranger. I rarely meet people like you.

As for hobbies I'm very passionate about writing, reading, playing video games and watching movies. I'm also a maniac on a ski slope but I live in Australia and it's COVID so snow is in short supply. Most people I know now either aren't anywhere near as interested in this stuff as me or not at all. So these days none of these really help fuel a social life, although they help me pass the time.

As for going to see my Dr, I'm sure I could get antidepressants, but I'd have to get stronger ones than I've used before (the previous ones did nothing), and since I'm living out of home now and I'm short on work, my wallet can't take it. I could dig into my savings but I'd prefer to hold those back so I can wait out COVID. For this same reason I'm not really going to therapy anymore. I suppose that's why I posted here.

As for dating the problem isn't that my skills aren't good. I mean they're not great but I have had some success. The problem is that it's only ever a matter of time before a girl realises or suspects that I have depression or no experience having a relationship and they instantly bail. I'm nothing but a burden to them and that's only going to get worse with time. The result of being eternally alone was until recently I would just feel extremely depressed whenever someone so much as mentioned relationships. Now I feel quite apathetic.

I used to dream of being happy with life. And I mean that both as something I aspired to, but also literally dreamed about. Now, so many people have turned their backs on me, and I've had so many damn failures on the dating front. And in general due to my initial depression from before these issues never really going away, I just feel burnt out. It's like depression and burnout have combined. It's been going on so long that I just feel emotionally exhausted all the damn time. It's like I've been beaten while I'm down for so long that I don't even know if I want to get back up. Basically what I'm trying to say is that my hopes have plummeted from hoping to be happy to hoping I can find a way to make the best of a lifetime of misery. I just feel lost, and to be honest if my body didn't make me feel hungry I'd probably just curl up in bed and never leave.

I don't know if I'll accomplish anything posting here but at the least it feels good to vent.

[Doolhof]

Hi Bubble44,

If writing helps you to release some of what you are feeling and maybe helping to clarify the issues in your mind, then continue to share here. This is a safe place to do so and people do honestly care for each other on this forum.

It may help right now to just concentrate on one day at a time, break your day down and try to make each moment the best it can be. Even if it feels really horrid and unpleasant, accept that and consider what you may be able to change to make it better.

Covid doesn't help when it comes to trying to connect with people! Maybe for now, just enjoy random connections with people you meet along life's journey. Relaxing my expectations around friendships and relationships has helped me.

I understand gaining assistance for mental health can become expensive. Are you eligible for a mental health care plan that could reduce the cost of seeing a psychologist? Places like Beyond Blue and Lifeline have support people you can talk with on the phone.

Is there one thing you can do for yourself today that will help you feel better about yourself?

Me, I went for a walk early. I tried to notice all that was around me so I felt more connected.

I know one day at a time sounds like a horrid cliché, but sometimes that is what we need to concentrate on.

Regards form Dools

[John_P]

hello Bubble44.

I feel for you. i agree with doolhof. just focus one day at a time, and practice functioning in the world and practice feeling fullfilled. practice being good at life! imagine if everyday you can practice at being good at life! being a good friend! practice talking to paople! practice talking smart, practice being clean, practice eating healthy, practice dressing well and grooming! I envy your youth. im 34. I wish i had a mentor to teach me at 21 on how to be. You are so young that you literally can be and do what you want if you practice being YOURSELF! practice feeling good.

The compounding effect will kick in, and if you can improve only a small fraction every day, in a few years you will literally unstopable! unstopable!

I recommend: starting with making your bed ever morning before work/school!