I don't know what to do, basically I am a mess

[auntymoo]

It wasn't until last night that I actually admitted I had a problem and that I need to get help.  This post may be a little all over the place because I have so much going on, I just don't know what to do!

I am sad...all.the.time

I should be happy. I am loved.  I have 3 beautiful children. I have a beautiful guy who loves me to the end of the earth.

Unfortunately he suffers from depression and I don't know what to do to help him. He has some awful circumstances going on which has affected his mental state badly in the past few weeks.  He is pushing me away, but tells me he needs me more than ever. I don't know what to do!  We have one of those beautiful once in a lifetimes loves and it hurts me so much that he is going through such sorrow and there is nothing we can do to stop what it happening. His ex is moving away and taking his beautiful little girl with her.  It is so sad, he is a truly wonderful dad who does not deserve this.

Then there are my own problems. A year ago my husband of 20 years left me, I'm over it but not over it. It doesn't help that he wants me back, and looks at me with those eyes every time I see him which is a lot.  We have equal share of the kids so I see him every few days. I have moved on, he has not.  He realised once it was too late. All I can feel is sad for him.

I am struggling with everyday tasks.  I work full time.   I am at uni.  I get little or no study done because everything is bogging me down. All I see is the stuff I should be doing, I procrastinate big time and get nothing done!  I am well respected at my work, I get my job done.  But at home nothing gets done and I have a nap instead. Then I am disappointed at the end of each day because I have accomplished nothing.  I stick my head in the sand. I am the most organised disorganised person you would ever meet.  To the outside world I have my **** together, if only they knew.

I get nothing done!  I jump from job to job without finishing the first job, I do a little bit of each and never finish anything.

I feel sad, overwhelmed, helpless and a complete fraud.

[geoff]

dear Auntymoo, a lot of anxiety going on here, combined with all the 'if's' and 'buts'.

I can well and truly image his pain of losing his little girl, so this would mean his main depression stemming from this, and whatever the other circumstances he has had to cope with would also add to his problems, or it could be a combined problem.

I was married for 25 years but now divorced, and we get on well even now, but I know that we couldn't live together any more, and yes there is still love in both of our eyes, we still see each other but that's at our sons place, where he and his wife have a 1 1/2 year old baby girl.

We still kiss, laugh and do all of those kiddy kiddy things that people do, but that's it she goes her way and I go my way.

She lives with an elderly chap who I don't like and probably get jealous at that, but there's nothing I can do about that, it's now her life, and I come home with my puppie.

So 20 years or in my case 25 years there has been a lot of water under the bridge, both good and bad, but any intention of trying to rekindle any marriage wouldn't work, because in a few weeks all the same problems would only come back, so your back to square one.

I am just wondering whether you have any OCD tendencies, as there are a couple of remarks you make that are symptoms of this illness.

With regards to your new partner is it 50/50 for having custody for his little girl.

He is going to need some professional help to be able to control his depression plus the loss of his daughter as both of these combined are going to be horrendous for him. L Geoff. x

[Chris_B]

Hi auntymoo,

You feel disappointed at the end of the day because you have "accomplished nothing", yet you have put in a full day of work, a place where you are respected.  

A full-time job that engages you can be very tiring, add to that a full-time study programme, a partner experiencing depression, the pain from your own separation and it's no wonder you don't feel like cleaning up around the house.  There's a lot on your plate, perhaps too much for the moment?

As Geoff says, your partner will need to get some professional help with his depression, but you need some assistance too.

Have a look at our carers guide, which has some useful information on how you can take of yourself, while avoiding burnout:  http://www.beyondblue.org.au/resources/family-and-friends/caring-for-someone-with-depression-or-anxiety

best
CB

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