I Don't Know What I'm Doing

[Chicken_Wings]

I've been dealing with depression & anxiety since 2000. This isn't new to me.

But every time I get into a real bout, I find myself floundering. Right now, I wake up every morning at about 5am with a huge weight on my chest. I know what it is and I know why it's there and it's not welcome. I try to do breathing exercises & relax so I can get that extra 2 hours before my alarm goes off. But most of the time my efforts are fruitless and I just toss and turn feeling horrible. I can only seem eat at dinner time which to me is a marker of my mood.

I've been going to work, but I haven't been able to bring myself to put on any makeup or even brush my hair. I just throw on some clothes and put my hair in a bun.I get there and I just feel miserable. I try to engage with people, but even whilst I'm talking to them I have these thoughts & feelings nagging away at me. I can barely do my work. I'm slower and less creative, which is bad because my job requires me to be creative.

This all stems from fear. I'm pretty much afraid of everything. I'm afraid of crowds, I'm afraid of new places. For a while I was afraid of food, I'm afraid I will fall apart when my dog dies. I'm afraid of getting sick, I'm afraid of other people getting sick, I'm afraid of losing people and not being in control and most of all I'm afraid of death. 

My mother lives in the UK has cancer and I know she will not recover from it. I don't know how long she has, but I am absolutely petrified of losing her & I think that is the catalyst for this current recurrence of my anxiety & depression. I'm terrified of flying, but I know if I want to see her, I have to. But feeling the way I do is making it even harder. She has been my rock my entire life & the thought of a world without her in it leaves me feeling absolutely hopeless.

Today is the first day I just haven't been able to go to work. I woke up this morning and just couldn't face it. I actually thought I had a pretty good day yesterday & even felt hungry, until I got home & burst into tears for no real reason & started talking about death.

My partner is so understanding. He has depression also so knows this will pass, & so do I, I know this isn't forever. But right now, as I sit here, I have those same thoughts I have every time this happens "what if it doesn't go away this time?".

I don't know if I'm meant to ride this out, push it until it goes away, acknowledge it and work through it. I feel like I've done all these things before & it keep coming back.


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[StefT]

Hi Chicken Wings, you are going through a lot and thing are getting on top of you, yet you continue to go to work. Well done you are a strong person, working an involving creative career, props to you. It sounds like the fear of loosing your mum especially considering she is in another country is getting overwhelming. I hope you can see that this anxiety that you are feeling is temporary and will pass. Others can give better advice especially in the anxiety section. Good luck.

[ci]

Hi chicken wings 

I hope your day is getting easier I have depression and ocd with panic disorder  so I can understand what you say about fear my daily life revolves around fears and silly habits that I need to do and little nagging voice that doesn't leave me alone it can limit your life so much but fighting it is your best way forward. I am having good day today and feel like there is hope of getting past this last week seemed like an impossible task to get through another day. Days like today give me the energy to fight this thing. 

I think it's important to give your body and mind a rest if you can take time off when days are bad watch movies and try and sleep it off can't fight it all the time but when you have those days of being ok make the most of them.

Do you see anyone or take meds you have been dealing with this for awhile sometimes  a fresh view from a new doc could help. I am dealing with fear of food at the moment so I can relate to that. 

Not sure if my ramble makes sense 

[Stormi71]

Hi chickenwings,

I just want to give you a virtual hug. I understand what you are going through. I often have all these thoughts about losing my husband or my children or my cat, and I also have this fear of death. So many fun things in life to do, but my immediate reaction is "I might die". I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. I lost my mum five years ago, and it was the worst thing in life I'd ever experienced...BUT...I got through it. I still miss her so much, but I can talk about her now without crying, and the memories make me smile instead of cry. I believe after our loved ones leave this planet, they are still there for you. Just when you need them the most, you will get a sign, and you will know what it is. 

You are one strong woman. Even though work seems like an insurmountable effort, you still manage to go. You can get through this

[Chicken_Wings]

Hi Ci,

Your ramble makes sense.
I am on medication, I've been on the same medication and dose since 2000. I assume a review is probably a good idea, but I'm also scared to change it in case it makes things worse.

I have previously been to see a psychologist and she taught me mindfullness techniques which I try to use to calm myself and redirect my thoughts. But at the moment I just can't seem to catch myself.

I've been really good for a while and I really thought I had this thing nailed. I have up and down days, but I haven't experienced this level or relapse for a couple of years.
I'm flip flopping between just wanting to stay home and rest and try and be calm and thinking "no, go to work, you have to be strong and conquer this".

The embarrassment of looking weak and the potential to cry in front of other people plays a part too. I know I look like I'm not ok right now.

[Chicken_Wings]

thank you Stormi,

I feel understood and not judged on here and I can't tell you all how much that means.

I'm trying to talk to my dad at the moment but I don't think he really understands what this feels like or how to respond. So although his answers are considered and meaningful, they sort of miss the boat.

Meanwhile, mum is on my messenger chat and Im trying not to appear down because I don't want her to worry about me. When in all honesty, I just want to be able to tell her how scared I am.

I just wish I had a better answer for myself than knowing I have to wait for this to pass.

[Chicken_Wings]

Yesterday, I tried to go to work, but I just felt so anxious, I ended up going home by 9.30am.

I got home, lay down and pretty much slept all day.
I still didn't feel like eating or doing much to look after myself. I ended up chatting to a counselor from Beyond Blue online and then did some more sleeping.

But by the end of the day, I wasn't feeling quite as sad. I still had some intrusive thoughts and even when I was watching something silly and humorous on tv, I still had these thoughts in the back of my mind.

Today, I woke up feeling tense. That weight was still on my chest, but it's not quite as heavy. I've gotten some work done today. I still have these thoughts and I don't really want to go outside, although I did force myself to do a loop of the farmers market at the end of my street. The smell of food makes me feel sick and I'm twitching and fidgeting still. But I do feel slightly more connected to the world around me.

Is this what getting better feels like?

[Bluey_moon]

I know chicken wings that you don't want to upset your mum, and I understand why! 

But can I ask you something? If you were really sick, would you not want people to confide in you anymore? Especially your own child? As a mum, I would always want my children to confide in me. Maybe it might be an opening for her to tell you how she is feeling too.

I don't know if this is the correct advice, it's just my opinion. And I totally understand you not wanting to burden her. Have you always confided in her previously?

Take care

[Chicken_Wings]

My mum has been my rock my whole life. She's been there for me through some pretty tough times and if she wasn't sick, she would be the first person I would turn to.

I make a point of asking her how she is and about her feelings when we talk. But I also know she doesn't want to dwell on the inevitable. She wants to be focus on the positives. So I am afraid that sharing my feelings of fear around her health will only cause her to feel bad and potentially even affect her health.

I've told her I'm in a bit of a bad place right now, that I'm "having one of my sad times". But I haven't gone into detail about it. She tells me to use the tools that I know work, that she knows I can beat this because I've done it before.

In some ways, this makes me even more sad because I know the worst time of my life is yet to come and the one person I will want to lean on won't be there to look after me.

[Bluey_moon]

Aw Chicken wings, I definatley get what you are saying and I hope I didn't upset you, because it totally wasn't my intention! 

It is so good you have had such a wonderful lady as a mum, role model, and confidant! And I bet she is so proud of you! 

If she believes you can beat it so do I! 

It is also good you have such a supportive partner. 

Just remember, when the hard time hits and she is no longer here in person, I believe she will always be with you in spirit, holding you up! 

I'm sending you hugs! Remember to chat to us anytime you need! 

Skye