I don’t know how to justify my existence anymore.

[EmiJ]

So for the last eight years I feel that along with losing my youth I have just destroyed any hope of ever achieving even the smallest of my once great dreams.

I am a constant job hopper due to hoping that I will finally find a place where I won’t feel like an incompetent embarrassment. I am unreliable due to always being physically ill. I just want to be a reliable and competent employee with consistency but I have never been able to achieve this.

I share a house with an older sibling and accept that they are who they are but I feel like the maid who is treated however they feel depending on how they are feeling. Honestly I am also scared of them . I need cleanliness and organisation to thrive but they constantly mess up my efforts with zero care about the effect it has on me. Yet I am always expected to give way to and be conscientious of anything that may upset them. 
My home life greatly affects my physical and mental health but I can’t afford to live on my own unless I can hold down a job which I can’t seem to do due to my home life it’s a constant vicious circle.

I can’t keep existing like this but I also can see no way out. I feel like I have exhausted myself with trying and just feel like a waste of a life. 
I honestly hate myself for what I have done to my life.

[Thelongestroad]

I have a similar issue in regards to things affecting work life, looking back I’ve found at my better times I did best when I still had some form of social life and activities outside of work to balance out things.. but in the past have faced things like employers treating it as a situation that has been taken advantage of (days off). I managed to avoid depression for around 5 years without medication but have recently relapsed into quite severe depression. I’m 37 and these same things resonate with me almost daily I hope the best for you as you sound like a good person.. 

[EmiJ]

I try to be a good person yet I believe this world makes it impossible for anyone to be fully good. Those that think they are fully are usually those that are incapable of seeing their own faults.

I am in my 30s as well and honestly wish that I could be brave enough to throw of these chains and just run away and start fresh somewhere.

I am sorry to hear it has been so hard for you these past years and I honestly hope you can find something that will help you heal. 

[Thelongestroad]

Thanks for your message! Appreciate that.. it’s small but noble thing that you make the effort to be a good person ! Respect for being that kind of person.. just a quick question do you have any ideas/ experiences of how to regain some form of social life again? It’s one of my major struggles the last few years as the years have flown by I’ve found myself in a state of social isolation from drifting apart from friends/colleagues/family. I’m trying to find community groups that align with my age situation but not much luck so far.. 

[EmiJ]

I wish I did but unfortunately it’s also one of my major issues as well. I live with a family member yet I feel completely alone. Like I am the outcast in every place like I will never belong.

Maybe a recreational activity that gets us out of the house may help us both 

[Thelongestroad]

I hope you find something in terms of that.. I wish I could meet people that are around me more.. I also want to try and meet someone special that I could share a deeper connection with but I guess I’m starting from scratch. Good luck with your journey I want to wish you all the best! Also I have thought about getting involved with/attending church again after years of not going, I think it will help with finding new connections in a different way than other places.. 

[Thelongestroad]

What are your hobbies/interests? 

[EmiJ]

I wish you all the best too. I guess this is a chance for us both to be brave with the motivation of self improvement. I have quite a few interests such as writing and history etc but I think getting out and doing something physical could be more beneficial.

Sometimes all we can do is keep trying and maybe while we do that the other good stuff that life has to offer like relationships may come along where we weren’t even looking.

[Thelongestroad]

Thank you, yeah it’s refreshing to talk to someone in a similar position. Thank you for sharing your insights with me I really appreciate it. Do you write books or more into journaling? History is one of my favourite things as well I miss going to museums and places that have some kind of story about them. 

your right about making the effort to keep on trying the problem I have is I don’t know where to start.. I still have a few things I haven’t tried yet but it’s been difficult for me as it’s such a major change to my unhealthy level of time I’m coming to terms with being alone for. Everyday I hate myself for not finding importance in things like this that I have let go by over the years and now here I am by myself a lonely mess I thought I would never be. I miss my old life where I would go see friends and family every other day. I barely feel like the same person I once was. I used to be energetic and always looking for new experiences but depression and unemployment have done a number on my mentality for years now and it’s starting to really hit me hard. 

I have been taking walks more recently which where my my wonders to thoughts of what’s left for me after all the suffering and pain. What does my future hold for me now that I’m this old and have so little. When I was younger I always thought to myself I would get married in my twenties and have things like holidays and a life full of fulfilling memories to cherish but it’s been quite the opposite. 

im grateful that people like you exist, i just wish I could find more people like that in my life.