I don't even know what I want......so how can I get help?

[Hepburn]

Hi,

I'm new to BB but not really new to depression. I've suffered for around 6 years but it has gotten worse with time and now anxiety is a problem too.

i do a lot of pretending. Pretending I'm doing better than I am, pretending I care about things I don't, and pretending I want to fix it......when the reality is I want it to be fixed, but couldn't be stuffed doing the work to fix it...you know?

im a mum, a wife, a teacher, a daughter, a strong woman etc etc........that's the roles others have put on me.....I just want to be left alone and not have to deal with anything. I'm tired but I can only sleep cause I take large amounts of medications. I'm on strong anti depressants but they really aren't working well,

I have issues that I apparently should be talking to a psychologist about but it just doesn't feel right to sit down with someone and chat about my past that can't be changed, and I have everything I'm supposed to want in life yet I'm still depressed and have anxiety.........what's the deal with that? 

i can't be the only person who hates the idea of seeing a psych. Can I?

[laura86]

Hello Hepburn,

Welcome to BB forums! Thank you for trusting us and reaching out to us. Like you, most of us have been struggling with depression and mental illness for many years before we came to BB.

And like you most of us have become experts at pretending. We go through life being strong and powering on, pretending like we're fine when in reality we are crumbling inside. 

I too find it really hard to have honest conversations with psychologists etc because I don't talk to strangers about things like that. In front of them I act like I'm ok and will get through it- that's what we do with everyone isn't it? I'm thinking of going to a local support group tonight actually, that way I don't have to talk unless I want to and it might be good to just hear people's stories and know I'm not alone. 

A lot of people with depression, anxiety and related illnesses say that they don't know why they feel the way they do because in all honesty, from the outside, our lives seem ideal. But that's the thing with depression and anxiety. Sometimes that dark cloud just appears and sticks around. There are days, like today, where I wake up with horrible anxiety. And then when small things go wrong we can't deal with them and are left feeling worse.

But that's the good thing about these forums. We can let it out and talk to each other and get great advice. Because we all understand those feelings and have been through the same problems. 

I hope you keep posting and we'll talk to you soon

Laura

xx

[gremz]

Hey Hepburn

Sounds like you are an amazing woman! What a lot to balance!

The good thing about seeing a psych is that you don't have to pretend (although you might anyway, and thats ok too).
I used to resent seeing counselors or psychs a few years ago. I wondered how in the hell talking would help. But after 3 years of on and off support (whenever I agreed to engage) I noticed how much it was helping, and that I always did better when I was attending sessions, even though I didn't feel like they were helping at the time.
It can also be very frustrating if you if you dont click with your psych - this will NOT be helpful. Shop around. You dont have to talk about the past, you should be in control of the direction the conversation takes. Talk about the now and how you are so tired of pretending! Let it out. Sometimes when you find a release and your head stops spinning, you notice things you never thought about. 
Seeing as you just want to be left alone I can see why you wouldn't want to go talking to a stranger, but use the opportunity to say all the things you've bottled up. Maybe WHY you just want to be left alone, say those things you'd yell in an argument then later regret. A psychs place is a safe place to better understand yourself.

Stick in there. 🙂