I don't cry anymore.

[Mel_D_1978]

I don't cry. Even when I am upset, I just feel emotionally distant or I switch completely off and lose big chunks of time. The last time I remember crying is about a month ago in my psychologist office and only because I thought I might disappoint my husband that I was suicidal again but as soon as I walked out the door" bam" nothing just numb. Then when I was transferred to emergency I remember walking into the triage nurse then nothing else really until I was up in my local doctors office.

But before then it's been like a good nearly 12 months and still after that nothing. Even though I want too, I can't. I usually just land up with a painful headache or zoned out. Its like I have shoved my feeling aside and shoved them aside that they no longer have an impact on me. Last week a family passed away suddenly and I haven't cried at all. It was sudden and unexpected and even though I want to sit and have a good weep. I couldn't.

 I do have a voice who I call the commander that says to me all the time "Cry and I'll punish you", but I haven't been listening to her lately and I use weight and exercise training to let her get her punishment out.

I go to training and I am like "Here you go if you want to put me in pain now's the time to do it" and just let her do her worst. She seems completely satisfied that she can do this so I haven't had "If you cry I will hurt you." voice for awhile now. So I still don't get why I am not crying when I need too.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Mel,

You always express yourself so well that it seems strange that the crying emotion hasn't been on your radar for a while.  Maybe the commander controlling your thoughts is there on a subconscious level.    We tend to keep a lot of stuff underground and having someone say "Cry and I'll punish you" even 5 years ago will still be there under the surface.  Like intent is stronger than action.

2nd paragraph personal story feature:   Sorry, but we seem to follow subconcious codes of response on BB (which proves my point).   When my mum died in England I was half way through a Depression Psych Admission.   It didn't really register (my mum's passing, not the Admission).  About 6 months later I got off the train at Central, Sydney and walked through Haymarket.   As I passed the theatre I suddenly remembered going there with my wife and parents to see "Miss Saigon" and what made it more painful was that she was in a wheelchair for many years and it would always be a struggle to do anything.

I wept.  Then I remembered some other activities we'd done in Sydney and wept some more.   It was like someone had pulled to plug out of the bath.  And then I wept some more because it had taken so long to register the loss.   I'd been there for my mum when she was first in the wheelchair whilst 3 other siblings tended to their own careers.  Ever wonder how a basket of laundry gets in a machine when you're in a wheelchair - and what if you lose a sock and you'll got to chase it around the floor with a stick or something ?  Totally crap.  All this history swallowed me.

So maybe you'll have a moment in the future when these things just pop out uncontrollably.   Without warning.  Just some trigger will get to the core of your humanity and you'll be left in the midst of a crowd with an emotional wave.

Adios, David.

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

The most recent thing that made me tear up was a video called "Koko the gorilla cries over the loss of a kitten".  I didn't cry at my grandfather's funeral.  I personally wouldn't give it too much thought.

That voice doesn't sound too good, though.  I've always been suspicious of the merit of self-punishment.  Seems like it'd just feed into itself by lowering self-esteem, which then makes you more susceptible to giving in once again to that behaviour you were punishing yourself for.

I prefer intervention in the unwanted behaviour, usually by distraction at the point in time where I was considering giving in to whatever it was.  I took up a method mentioned by someone else on one of these forums - going off to the pantry to have a piece of chocolate, whenever you notice you've got the urge to do that thing you don't want to do (in my case, have an unproductive pity party / self-hatred shindig).  Unfortunately, I haven't even had to use it much, so I have this "depression chocolate" sitting there that doesn't get eaten.

How's she going to hurt you?  You're already crying.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Rodentdron & Alison,

Crying is seen as a weak thing.  If there is a judgement at all it would be that we always have a choice.   Sometimes it hurts more when we hold it in and don't cry.

I've cried sometimes when manic as it seems to be the only way to express the utter lack of control when grossly elevated.   You might have fantastic fast thinking and the ability to out think Einstein but what's the point if you can't control it.

Adios, David.

PS  I like the idea of the "depression chocolate".  It sounds a bit like dieters who "hide" chocolate to avoid eating, but their will power is substantially less.  And how can one "hide" chocolate from oneself anyway ?   Having chocolate for depression is probably OK as a single guy, but put 3 teenagers into the equation.....

[Amanda_A]

Hi Mel

I too went through a time where I never cried, even when terrible things happened. It was not until I went to see a psychologist and actually talked out all the bad things that happened to me in the past that a flood gate opened and years of built up tears came out. Feeling numb and not crying was a way for me to protect myself from the pain. In the end the pain had to come out though and I am now much better for it.

[Mel_D_1978]

I can't really say how I am punished. I also like the idea of the depression chocolate but I eat chocolate every day so it wouldn't really work for me. I don't remember most of my "self punishment" so I think it has little affect on me.

[Couch_Dracula]

Hey Mel,
Are you on medication? I've recently started again and have found I've stopped responding emotively to things that used to bring forth the water works.
It worked in my favour the other day when someone treated me horribly (thats another story)... My usual response is streaming tears that just come out, even if I'm doing my best to deal with the situation at hand, but I found this time I was more in control.
That being said, in this case it was fine, but there have been times where I have wanted to cry but physically can't and I feel like a zombie.
Has anyone else experienced this? 

Unfortunately for me before the meds I had the polar opposite. Flood gates forever streaming over the smallest of issues, ending with the voice telling me im weak and an embarrassment for not being able to control my emotions. Just constantly feeling frustrated, weak and stupid.

[Mel_D_1978]

Yeah I am on medication have been for two and half years, I think medication is a part of it for sure and I think the other part of it is suppressing that feeling of crying that it simply doesn't respond anymore like it used too. My little one broke down in tear today (she's 😎 and I just thought how nice it must be to scream and shout and cry for a good half hour while someone comforts you and then walk away feeling a mile and half better.

[geoff]

dear Couch Dracula, the highest statesmen in the world like Winston Churchill had depression and they like you, me and all the people suffering from this illness can never be deemed as weak, frustrated yes, but what we have caught is an illness that shuts down a large proposition of our life.

We are not to blame for this, but some circumstances may head us that way, unbeknown to us, and at the time I suffered from depression, it's a natural feeling because I had it but the person next to me didn't.

That's why we think that we are the weaker one, but feeling this way is not fair on you ,me or other people.

If I catch the flue but the next person didn't, it's because our immune symptoms are low, and the same applies with depression because it means that our brain endorphins need a boost. Geoff.