I cant see the end to this life of misery.

[Canttakemuchmoreofthis]

Hi,

Been struggling with depression since I was around 12-13 years old. This feeling of loneliness and emptiness started when my family immigrated to Australia. I never felt that I fitted in socially, struggled with social cues and was always made fun of. Shortly after, around the age of 15, I started using alcohol and drugs, which gave me the relief and escape I needed, for awhile. Unfortunately, this turned into an addiction(s) for the last ~20-25 years and even though I managed to hold the same job all that time (even though I hated it everyday), my life got progressively worse. 2 years ago I had a mental break down and went to rehab. Since then I haven't used or had a drink since, don't even smoke cigarettes anymore.

The thing is, the depression is still as potent as the day it started.

My family all hate me. My sister goes out of her way to turn everyone against me with lies and twisted truths. She has even convinced my extended family to stay away from me. My mother constantly tells me I am a loser and scum. My father is the only person who tries to help me but doesn't have any understanding about depression, even though I have tied explaining it many times. His approach is, well you haven't had a drink in a while and if you just put a smile on your face, problem solved.

I am currently live at home, approaching the age of 40 and have no desire for anything in life, nothing.I have no friends, have no desire for a romantic relationship, have no hobbies, can't stand sport, have next to no emotions other than anger and get zero enjoyment from anything.

My parents constantly argue and fight because of me, always comparing me to other relatives and friends as to how successful they all are.

I want to move out but simply cannot afford to as I just cannot bare the stacked on depression and despair that comes with going to work, being paid barely enough to put food on the table and pay rent while also dealing with other people everyday, not because I hate people, it is because the amount of mental bandwidth needed to process / pickup on the social behaviors of other people / social groups.

I feel like I am trapped in a corner with no way of fixing my life and my constant feeling of nothingness.

[therising]

Hi Canttakemuchmoreofthis

You're definitely up against it. It's hard to maintain faith in yourself when everyone around seems to be leading you to a sense of hopelessness and difficulty. While some may proclaim the 'tough love' angle in motivating you, tough love is only effective when coupled with constructive guidance and compassionate understanding, otherwise it's just brutal. I can't say I blame you for feeling frustrated and angry.

While some seem to think we all naturally tick the same way, as you would know there's more to it than this. We also tick a certain way mentally (based on certain influential factors and thought patterns) and chemically. Not having enough serotonin and dopamine surging around in our brain can literally be depressing. So, we're a combo of biology, psychology and nature. If one or more of those 3 factors is out of balance, we can definitely feel it at times. You can try explaining this to certain people but some just don't want to listen. It can leave you wanting to tear your hair out, hey.

Not sure if this will be of any help but it pays to observe the nature in others and see what triggers you. A lot of the time what triggers us can indicate our own nature:

• If you're triggered by closed minded people it may be due to the fact you are open minded, a truly liberating trait
• If you're triggered by people who like to shut down emotion it may be due to the fact you are sensitive to emotion and the importance of it. So important to decipher emotion. Emotion makes for a reliable compass, from my experience
• If you're triggered by people who refuse to inspire you it may be due to the fact you thrive on inspiration of a very specific nature. Sometimes any old inspiration just doesn't cut it, especially where depression's concerned. A lack of inspiration can be depressing

I could go on but you get the gist.

Take notice of the nature of people around you and what you can't tolerate. It'll tell you a lot about yourself. Eventually, you'll discover you're one seriously amazing person who's been trying so hard to tolerate what is naturally, for most, intolerable. Would you say that throughout your life you have spent many a time trying to maintain the tolerance of a saint so as to not upset anyone too much and now you're done putting up with insensitivity? I've found that while intolerance can feel painful and infuriating at times, it can also be liberating, waking us up to new directions. It is often found on the verge of change.

🙂

[Gambit87]

I can relate to what your are feeling.

Depression can be so brutal and its effects are only compounded when people around you don't understand and just tell you to 'suck it up' and get on with it.

I've been suffering depression for over 10 years, I lost all joy and feelings and I felt like a robot going through life. I pretty much swept it under the rug until I cracked and broke down. After admitting I needed help and seeing a psychologist, Ive been able to get on my feet. Its been hard work but its been worth it.

My job was a huge contributing factor to my depression aswell! Felt like I was stuck, with no what out. Thankfully (again with the help of my psych) I see my job as a place where I can spend 8 hours a day and walk out without needing to worry about it.

Forgive yourself and be kind to yourself.

Set yourself small goals and slowly work your way up. If you dont achieve that goal - forgive yourself and try again tomorrow!

See a psych - worth their weight in gold.

Its hard work, some days are better then others but the darkness fades and it does get easier!

we're here for you.

[JacintaMarie]

Hi

You've come to the right place and you can beat depression. Some days will feel bad, but there'll be other better days, beyond blue is a good start.

Though there are moments when I feel the same, that the way I see things, that everyone hates me, I do stupid things, but this is just my negative thoughts, though they feel so real! But there not, it's my mind.

[Canttakemuchmoreofthis]

Hi All,

Made a few calls today, went to see my GP as well.

Won't go into specifics but made some headway in getting some help.

But just those tasks today has left me exhausted, have a dull headache in the front part of my head right now and feel mildly anxious.

I am trying not to sleep through the day as well in the hope that might be a component adding to my depression. It's difficult because sleeping is like an escape from reality.

Anyways, have read all your posts and have taken note of the advice and help. Thank you so much.

I'll post updates as they progress.

[therising]

Hi Canttakemuchmoreofthis

I'm so happy for you that you've made major progress. If I was to pick an analogy:

You've been walking along the same path for some time, with little light and little guidance and a heck of a lot of obstacles thrown in. You've been doing your best under such circumstances. Suddenly you find yourself taking a detour off that path. It still looks dark and there are still some obstacles but on this path there is some guidance. On this new path there are many detours ahead. You can't see them yet but they are definitely there, up ahead. You are now off the old path and this can be anxiety inducing, as you navigate challenges you've never faced before. A pioneer faces unknown territory with both fear and courage.

If someone was to ask me to produce a map of my life up to now, in hindsight it would be easy to produce such a thing. I could show them what my journey into depression looked like, how I navigated that dark and challenging territory while I was in it and how I came out of it, all the way leading up to where I now find myself. While I was in depression, there was no obvious map, no obvious way out and no obvious points of progress. Hindsight is an enlightening thing.

This is new territory for you so be kind to yourself. Make sure you are. Give yourself rewards for your progress. After the GP visit, gift yourself a coffee at the local cafe, if coffee's your thing. After a psyche visit, treat yourself to something that signifies celebrating 'I am a legend. I am reforming'. Celebrate every milestone, no matter how big or small.

As I've mentioned, pay close attention to emotion, as it makes for a great compass. The slightest twinge of inspiration is like a hit of light on the path. Anything that brings you down is something to wonder about, not judge yourself over. Wonder 'Why does this bring me down?' Anything that doesn't excite you is not exciting. Don't judge yourself for not feeling excitement. You will come to know what excites you and what doesn't, as you reform yourself. The old things that used to excite you simply may not do it for you anymore. Every emotion you feel or don't feel will tell you something. A good feeling, an off one or no feeling at all toward someone or something can be revealing. Try not to doubt yourself.

By the way, I've found if the energy's not there it can be hard to feel it (energy in motion). Hydration, sleep factors, diet, sun (vitamin D) etc all help toward tweaking energy levels.

🙂