I cant see the end to this life of misery.

[Canttakemuchmoreofthis]

Hi,

Been struggling with depression since I was around 12-13 years old. This feeling of loneliness and emptiness started when my family immigrated to Australia. I never felt that I fitted in socially, struggled with social cues and was always made fun of. Shortly after, around the age of 15, I started using alcohol and drugs, which gave me the relief and escape I needed, for awhile. Unfortunately, this turned into an addiction(s) for the last ~20-25 years and even though I managed to hold the same job all that time (even though I hated it everyday), my life got progressively worse. 2 years ago I had a mental break down and went to rehab. Since then I haven't used or had a drink since, don't even smoke cigarettes anymore.

The thing is, the depression is still as potent as the day it started.

My family all hate me. My sister goes out of her way to turn everyone against me with lies and twisted truths. She has even convinced my extended family to stay away from me. My mother constantly tells me I am a loser and scum. My father is the only person who tries to help me but doesn't have any understanding about depression, even though I have tied explaining it many times. His approach is, well you haven't had a drink in a while and if you just put a smile on your face, problem solved.

I am currently live at home, approaching the age of 40 and have no desire for anything in life, nothing.I have no friends, have no desire for a romantic relationship, have no hobbies, can't stand sport, have next to no emotions other than anger and get zero enjoyment from anything.

My parents constantly argue and fight because of me, always comparing me to other relatives and friends as to how successful they all are.

I want to move out but simply cannot afford to as I just cannot bare the stacked on depression and despair that comes with going to work, being paid barely enough to put food on the table and pay rent while also dealing with other people everyday, not because I hate people, it is because the amount of mental bandwidth needed to process / pickup on the social behaviors of other people / social groups.

I feel like I am trapped in a corner with no way of fixing my life and my constant feeling of nothingness.

[Sophie_M]

Hi,

Welcome to our friendly online community, we're glad that you decided to reach out here today. We're so sorry to hear that you've been struggling with depression for such a long time. It sounds like it's a really difficult situation at home as well. We hope you know that you're not alone in this, many of our community members have been in similar situations.

We hear that you went to rehab and have not had a drink or used since - well done! This is a really amazing accomplishment. Can we ask if you have received any support for your depression though? If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

Thanks again for reaching out here. Hopefully a few of our members will be by to welcome you over the next few days.

[Canttakemuchmoreofthis]

Hi Sophie,

I did contact Beyond Blue via phone and the lady I spoke to just told me to have a look at the website and directed me to the support section and forums. She also said that they were not trained counselors and best to look at the "Find a Professional" section.

That was a few weeks ago.

[Canttakemuchmoreofthis]

Hi Sophie,

I have had little support for my depression. Depression in my family is seen as being lazy and just a loser.

I have been looking at the "Find a professional" section and will be making a couple calls come Monday.

Today has been a bad day, worse than usual. The feeling of despair and emptiness felt much stronger when I woke up this morning and I am sick of it.

I don't know how but I am going to fix this, so sick of it.

[therising]

Hi Canttakemuchmoreofthis

I feel so deeply for you as you speak of the constant challenges throughout your life, from such a young age. It can definitely be hard to convince our self that the saboteurs in our life have played a significant role in forming who we are. It can feel easier yet painful at the same time, simply to believe there is something wrong with us. This can be a soul destroying lie to believe in.

To see your words 'I don't know how but I am going to fix this, so sick of it' speaks volumes as to your nature. Determination is a powerful trait and when coupled with an open mind, the path ahead can be life changing. Personally, I have found that any great quest (to find the best in our self) begins with many questions. The greatest question of all, in my opinion, is 'If this is not who I am, who I am destined to be, then...who am I?' This is a question that actually led me out of depression. The whole quest would have been a heck of a lot easier if I'd had the right people in my life to seriously guide me but I found I've had to raise myself to a significant degree.

Raising yourself can definitely trigger saboteurs to go into 'full on' mode. Watch out for anyone who's going to poo poo any outside the square strategies you feel inspired by. Saboteurs will typically slam most of those strategies. Naturally inspirational people will support those strategies if they're healthy and constructive ones. My advice, become sensitive to sensing inspirational people. They're the one who make a difference. Remaining sensitive to those who bring us down, for whatever reason, is something that will keep us down. If you find yourself feeling down, it pays to ask 'Who or what has led me here, to feel this way?' The who will relate to certain people and the what may relate to certain challenges you're gradually rising to or it may relate to the chemistry the comes with depression. Managing the people, the challenges and the chemistry can feel like a full time job at times for sure. Be kind to yourself through some of the more exhausting phases of reformation.

You have come so incredibly far, through so many challenges already. For you to be mentally pushing up your sleeves and getting into the mind altering stage of becoming more of who you naturally are (beyond the conditions others have set for you) is incredibly courageous and downright amazing.

As you set foot on this path, remember...do not focus on those who are not prepared to light the way for you.

🙂

[Canttakemuchmoreofthis]

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice.

Today was a bad day and if tomorrow is better then I guess I can say I am already making progress.

I will post updates on my progress.

[geoff]

Hello Canttakemuchmoreofthis, if you haven't had a drink in a while and if you just put a smile on your face, problem solved, absolutely not, and by saying this is just avoiding the problem, you can't walk around all day with a pretend smile, you can do it if you don't want anyone to know, but that's definitely not solving the problem.

A feeling of emptiness can make you feel emotionally numb, despondent, isolated, anxious or experience an empty feeling in your chest, and sometimes people can try, with luck or not, by doing whatever we hope pleases us, with success or achieving what we aim for but without any satisfaction, that's when should know it's time we need help.

Family is seen as being lazy and just a loser is definitely a misunderstanding or a lack of knowledge and those that chastise or criticise you show little respect towards you.

If you write down what's been happening on some paper, then it may make your consultation easier, rather than trying to explain everything, it's easy to forget some important events.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Canttakemuchmoreofthis]

Hi Geoff,

Thank you for your post.

Today I have woken up and don't feel much better than yesterday. Just had an argument with my father who said I got 3 months to fix myself or I am out. Tried explaining to him that depression is not a light switch that you can turn off at anytime. Explained that I am going to seek help from a professional come Monday and his response was, "don't go to those people, all they will do is prescribe you tablets" completely ignorant to the fact that a psychologist cannot prescribe anything.

It just shows that the people around me don't have a clue in what they are talking about.

Trying to educate them is like speaking to a brick wall, they just ignore hard facts and instead look for petty details to criticize me in order to get a one up over me for the sake of the argument.

My anger and frustration is overwhelming at the moment.

Geoff, I have taken your advice and think it is a good idea to makes some summary points to take with me when I see someone.

[quirkywords]

Hi Canttakemuchmoreofthis,

I appreciate your honesty in your posts.
Rising mentioned to look for inspirational and support people rattan ones who are saboteurs.

There is support here . Some people feel they are experts but you know what will help you.

I have also done what Geoff suggested using notes and you could slap use some of the words from the posts here if that helps. I would write point notes on cards and if I needed them would refer to them or I would just read straight from me. I like making lists.

Is there any strategy you have used in the past the helps less en the anger and frustration just a a little.

Does writing your thoughts down in a journal help in any way.?

Thanks again for being so honest and willingness to share your story.

[Canttakemuchmoreofthis]

Hi Quirkywords,

I don't really have any strategy, I just bottle things up and push through. This usually ends up at a point, over a long period of time, of me exploding in anger of which everyone then points the finger and justifies their criticism of me.

Over the last 2 years I have come a long way. Stopped using, stopped drinking, stopped smoking, payed off all my debt, lost weight (this is still a work in progress), changed my diet, hell I don't even drink soft drinks anymore, yet I still get bombarded with what I haven't done, never acknowledged for what I have done.

It just seems to be never good enough in the eyes of my family.

Anyways, I have discovered yesterday, even though it took tremendous effect to start, is posting here and being able to vent. It gives me a glimmer of hope and some relief which is a nice feeling.

My next way forward is two things that I think will help.

1. Go see a counselor and seek help.

2. Look for a job, not something where I am stuck in a suicide booth all day (office cubicle) but something I may be able to tolerate day in, day out, although I do not have the slightest clue what that might be. I have zero interests to begin with other than watching TV and sleeping.

This is going to be extremely difficult as everything I do comes with this feeling of heaviness and joylessness but if I can achieve those 2 things at least, I will have the tools to move away from this toxic environment.