I can’t move past 2020

[Jules292]

My calendar still sits on December 2020, my mother passed away on the 22nd. If I change my calendar then that moment in time will move on and I just can’t let it. I have not been able to debrief properly about what happened and more than likely won’t be able to. Everything that went on leading up to her death disgusts me and I need to talk to someone, someone that has better writing skills than I have, I want to write the letter to describe the events and then send it to everyone involved ie: the hospital, her specialists. They need to know how badly she was treated in her final days. I don’t want to write it myself as I believe it will be taken as my anger expressed, and then dispelled as an angry response to my grief, but they need to know! Or is it me trying to be vindictive and trying to get revenge from the disappointment of her passing? I don’t believe so, if the truth can’t be told then how can change begin?

I was planning to get someone to put all the facts together to write an explanation for the letter and why her life was much more than the care she received.

She passed so disappointed and yet so quietly, that was the person she was, I can’t help but miss her and grieve her loss every minute of every day. Everyone else seems to have moved on but I can’t, that’s why the letter is so important.

Thanking you in advance for reading

Jules x

[Guest_4643]

Hi Jules292, welcome.

I'm really sorry to hear of your Mother's passing, and that she was treated terribly, that's disgusting. Nobody deserves that, especially in their final days. I'm very sorry for you and her.

Yeah 2020 was awful for everyone.

[Quercus]

Hi Jules,

Even reading your post was difficult, I could almost feel your hurt and anger and grief.

I'm sad to hear you lost your Mum and so angry to hear your Mum was treated badly. It isn't right. No wonder you're struggling right now.

You're right about your letter being important. People must be held to account for cruelty and disrespect especially when you are vulnerable as your Mum was).

There is one idea I'd like to mention and see whether it is possible for you at the moment...

Are you able to write a list on paper of the key dot points you would want in your complaint? Keep it very simple... Names, dates, main issues and keywords about how it made you or your Mum feel.

On another list (this can be hard but it's important because when you write your complaint it allows them to see you have truly considered what happened) record names etc of staff who were kind or things that were done fairly.

I ask this because it is what I try to do when I need to stand up for myself or my family but at that moment don't feel able to.

The way I'm able to turn the page on the calendar is to promise myself I will act as soon as I am able to write without crying and am able to accept not everyone is cruel.

I found that then when I do send the complaint it gets taken seriously because I write that I waited to see how I felt once I could think of what happened rationally. I also follow the complaint process ie first write to the hospital, then if there reply is poor I take it further.

But that is up to you. Some feel going to the top works better even if it is simply because they get annoyed to have to do something others are paid to do.

Sorry for the saga there. Hospitals are a sore point for me too.

I really hope in time you can remember the good times with Mum without the last days spoiling the thoughts.

Jules, my heart goes out to you and your Mum.

Love Nat

[Jules292]

Thank you, I can’t seem to do anything without crying atm, I can’t express my gratitude enough for your help.

julesx

[Quercus]

Hi Jules,

Finally got myself organised to reply (sorry, being able to reply consistently is an ongoing drama here).

I'm glad you got something useful from my reply. Crying all the time seems pretty understandable to me given what you're trying to cope through.

It's been a while since you wrote that reply. I was wondering how you are holding up? Have you been able to at least get some sleep? Grief is bloody hard.

I hope today has even a few peaceful moments for you Jules.

❤️Nat

[Jules292]

I find myself feeling ok at times and then it’s times like yesterday that tip me over the edge AGAIN. Yesterday I was going through some of mum’s old photos for her memorial and it struck a cord in me that in her photos she looked so happy, far from the woman I knew. Also there were so many photos of my abuser that it sickened me to my core, I felt my anxiety levels raise and took something to help, which did! But unfortunately the damage was done and the feelings lingered. Today I a awoke not feeling well and very teary, I can’t go to work I just want to sleep .

I can’t even sign my name because I’m such a fraud.