Can't find the strength!

[Spixx]

Hey everyone,
not sure anyone will ever read this but lets see how I go.
I think I've had depression on and off in my whole life but always seem to find a way to come out of it then years later it will come back.
So today it came back. I do have heaps going on in the last year, I lost 2 family members during covid and was unable to go and support my family during such a hard time and had to watch the funerals through my computer which I hated. My youngest son was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes (first in the family) and I sometime want to take that pain away from him and feel its not fair and that its all my fault no matter what anyone says. In 2 weeks we are scattering my grandmothers ashes and my partner wasn't going to come (is now) with me for emotional support because well kids come first and his kids have a basketball game on and I thought that this kinda situation would mean I would come first and he would be with me during this hard time.
My car is about to die and I have like 50c in my saving account, I cant find a job that I want to do, so I'm forever studying till I find something. I just feel like a total failure all the time and feel like nothing I do is going to fix the bind I'm in. I feel like my world is falling apart and I have no 1 to communicate with. I never want to get out of bed even to take my kids to school, they are always having the day off cause I cant get outta bed, I eat everything in the house, then feel shit cause I have no money to get more food and if I do I eat that too. Just cant seem to find the strength to continue everyday. But I have to for my kids. I want to cry all the time, I want to hide, I want to break things, I want to break up with my partner just to run away.
Not looking for answers, maybe a quick vent. I don't know anymore.
Just wish that life wouldn't be so hard on me when I try all the time to do what's best for my kids and myself but bad things happen everyday and I feel like someone is playing with me to get me to give up. Like I'm being tested in some sick game like lets see how long till she cracks and ends it. And I find its not very fair when I'm a good person. Just been dealt a shit hand at life and I just keep failing.

I should get up and go and pick up my children from school.
If anyone did read this, sorry for my craziness.
Bless.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Spixx,

So sorry to hear that life is so difficult at the moment and you feel like so many things are falling apart on you.  It must be difficult to be going through your grieving process and also be doing your best to look after your family at this time.  We understand that money issues can be a very heavy burden and it doesn't make things any easier.  We have contacted you privately to offer support, however there are other options as well if you prefer.

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). 

You can also get in touch with Griefline - 1300 845 745. GriefLine provides counselling support services free of charge to individuals who are experiencing loss and grief.  

You are not alone and the community is here to support you.  Please continue to visit the forum for support and connection.  

[white knight]

[Hi Spixx, welcome
I'm 64yo so I've been around a while and had therapy and mental illness issues for a long time.
To help you I must be honest and focus on what I see clearly as your main
issues. Once these are addressed your life should turn around...a bit
like a snowball effect, gathering pace as time goes by.
Back in 1987 I was having therapy. I didnt think it would help much. Then my therapist
asked me what had occured in the last week since my last visit. I
rattled off some fears, like, that my boss was going to knock on my
door, my girlfriend was going to leave me and my dog was going to get
run over. Then he asked me how realistic all those possibilities was
going to be. I taught about it....none! He then went on to teach me
about "worry" and how to categorize things into unrealistic/realistic
sections. Those things not real- ditch them from your mind like throwing
rocks in a river because its taking up valuable productive space in my
mind.
So...you mentioned things beyond your control- losing 2 members
of your family (so sorry to hear that btw), not being able to attend
either funeral, your son has type 1 diabetes (my brother did also) and
so on. These issues are the type that worry wont fix, so the better way
to go is to accept them as being those that you cannot do anything
about. It doesnt mean you stop grieving or be concerned but rather you
dont allow the issues to remain in your mind too much.
As far as your
boyfriend goes I gather you are both fairly young and these decisions
like the one whereby you want to spread your gramdmothers ashes are
deemed initially as not as important as his kids sports. I suggest that
that was a slip up on his part (because he is now going with you) and in
an ideal world he would prioritize it better but when young adults we
have to be more forgiving because we are as aware nor as mature enouh to
decide that immediately. Once that issue is resolved it should be in
that bag of rocks that gets thrown in the river. Over, Finished,
Forgotten. By brewing about it, all it does is add to the issues already
mentioned. See the build up of worry?

Next- "I cant find a job that I want to do". Your priority for your family is income, not
job choice. Sorry to say it but many people in society are in employment
that they dislike. Ask any cleaner if they love cleaning dirty toilets.
So start off with any job and after a while look for a better job down the track.

What do you think?

TonyWK