I can't fight this anymore

[Mark735]

I'm struggling

I don't care about anything anymore, I feel like I'm achieving nothing and no one really cares about where I am. I'm struggling financially, mentally, and I can't do this alone anymore. Sure I've spoken to people, but all I get is a lecture about what is wrong with my life. I'm already well aware of this, I feel like I've stuffed up every aspect of my life. People are so judgemental, and it feels like everyone else gets the love and help while I just get everyone's judgement.

My dad passed away 4 1/2 years ago, and since then I've struggled living on my own. I can't pay my bills, to the point where basic essental services are going to be turned off. I've not been able to work much this year due to having a blood clot in my leg due to the Covid injections. So not being able to walk has also been a challenge. I'm slowly regaining strength in my legs now but still can't walk the best, so working will still be an issue. I'm thousands of dollars in debt and all I do is spend every day sitting here and waiting for things to be turned off. Some bills I haven't been able to put anything on for over 12 months, and I'm scared. My partner doesn't seem to get it, whenever I try to say anything about how I'm feeling she quickly changes the subject. Her answer to everything is to just smother me with love, which I HATE. I feel like my real feelings mean nothing to her. I've tried to tell her but she just isn't listening.

I'd really like to do deliveries by starting my own business, as driving is the one thing that clears my head and my biggest passion, but I'd need help to do the delivery aspect of it, and trying to find work for this has been very hard. I don't feel comfortable driving a large vehicle, and I'd struggle to get in and out of it anyway.

My main issue is I have no money coming in at all, and bills need paying NOW. I've tried everything to scrounge enough just to survive, relying on handouts and the like from friends and family to keep going, but I want to get out and start doing things again. It's like I'm still in lockdown the amount of time I sit here, depressed, worrying about things. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I'm trapped here, and I can't see a way out.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Mark735,


Firstly, welcome to the forums we are so glad that you found your way to this supportive and welcoming community. We hope that you find ideas, options and support from the shared experiences and knowledge of all our members. We can hear from your post that you have been managing your thoughts of loneliness and we are so pleased you have reached out to the community for support. 
 
We would love for you to give Beyond Blue a call, it can really help having someone to talk to when these negative thoughts arise. By engaging via phone or chat the counsellors can provide advice and support, please contact either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support
 
Alternatively we would also recommend the suicide call back service, they offer a range of contact methods that can be accessed via https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/ or by giving them a call on 1300 659 467.
 
If at any point those thoughts become overwhelming, or you no longer feel safe we urge you to contact emergency services on 000.
 
We hope that you find the support and direction that you are seeking on the forums. Once again, we are so glad you have joined the forums and we hope that you feel welcomed into the community. 

Warm regards

Sophie M
 

[Mark735]

I'd love to chat with someone, but I'm not great with talking with people on the phone. Is there a way I can chat/text with someone online?

[Sophie_M]

Dear Mark735,


Thats great to hear you are wanting to chat with one of our counsellors. Please click on the following link to webchat with Beyond Blue counsellors.
http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support

Regards

Sophie M

[geoff]

Hello Mark, the last thing you want is to be lectured by people telling you what you have done wrong, that won't and will not achieve anything, only except make you feel worse, you already know how you feel and know the situation you're in, so ther is no need for this to be reinforced.

Can I ask if you are receiving Centrelink benefits and I'm not suggesting this at all, but a friend of mine was in deep trouble financially, paying one credit card off with another, not paying rent and had everyone pressuring him to make payments to catch up, he couldn't do it, and a suggestion was to go bankrupt, which happened and I was able to get him into a housing complex, paying minimal rent.

Anything he earned (which didn't happen) had to be presented to the bankruptcy board, it gave him five years to recoup.

All the money that is owed is written off.

Just a thought.

Geoff.

[StevenK]

I don’t know your circumstances but the last 11 years I’ve been unemployed, last three months I’ve had sciatica so can’t work, but it’s healing, and my mum didn’t let me work due to fear of covid the last two years. However I’m through my mental health disorders it took a while to change and I know what it’s like to feel powerless.

looks like you have been challenged a whole lot and have been through some horrific adversity, and no one could possibly understand how it’s affected you. And your partner just doesn’t want to sink down into self potty as well hence her reaction and response. People who are depressed are very self absorbed due to the nature of the blues.

at the end of the day depression is a story we tell ourselves. Somethings happened or several things have happened to you, that have been very difficult. Our thoughts create our feelings, and if our thoughts are chronic and have been towards the negative side then we feel depression

life’s not meant to be a struggle and our emotions are not meant to be fought or pushed away and worse yet SUPPRESSED you see suppression is a bad strategy we learned from young.

you see there are two minds, conciousness and unconscious, unconscious is our conditioning, if it’s more negative then positive we feel negative. It’s like a computer it remembers every thought experience and memory everything

so when we suppress or push away it come backs stronger, most of us fear the symptoms instead of working at the root cause. Truth is our thoughts and choices have gotten us to where we are. What we put out is what we get. Somewhere along the line we made some wrong choices, or something happened

good Thing is the way to delude negativity is not by fighting, it’s by adding in new messages to re wire the brain; the brain follows the mind snd the mind creates thoughts which the body feels, the body then emits s negative vibration that sends out a signal to people and things and so we are scar that back

all you have to do is change your self talk and your thought life, and your feelings will then change. There is hope it’s not easy at all, and your going to have to become a warrior in your heart.

start hear go read the power of now by eckhart tolle, you may want to get in touch with your spiritual well being. This book will guide you.

you can then read the untethered soul by Michael singer and new earth by eckhart tolle.

this is the best I can do for ya. I lived years suicide and now I’m good, it’s possible.