I can't control bipolar. Holiday from hell

Loula · ‎28-10-2016

I thought I was strong enough to fight bipolar

I went to QLD for a moth to visit family. on the plane was a semi nightmare but a few relaxing pills & vodka on a empty tummy had me breathing in a bag

Day 2 I went on a high. Every day I did something. My husband thought I was amazing as I did things I'm normally scared of. Thinking bout it now swimming with tiger sharks what the hell

But after the high comes the low. Last week I started to hate leaving the house. I canceled going out. I would just lock myself in the room for hours

We went away for a weekend with his family. Well I cracked. I hated it! So loud so talked at!!! Zero organisation and no one listened to me

He's family then started talking about Tv Shows with people with Bipolar & laughing about it and how crazy they are. I went into my room and didn't come out nor eat for 2 days. I just broke down. The day we left I didn't even say buy to them.

My husband and I went further up north to our dream holiday. I was an anxious mess. I could only have 3 mouths of food a day & was throwing it up & zero sleep. Every day we where out in the water outside my comfort zone and I was on a low. I just felt myself getting smaller and smaller and the panic attacks started settling in

The night before we flew I lost it big time. I was not flying because in my mind we where going to die! My husband rented us out a car to drive from the GBR to VIC. We went the inland way. end of the day in a gas station in central QLD I passed out. I woke back up and the workers called an ambulance. I was in and out of it & had pins and needles to my elbows & couldn't feel my legs & hardly breath. I was rushed to hospital to find out it was a panic attack. A panic attack caused me to pass out

The next day my husband took us costal way back to our family. He booked a plane for both of us. got to the airport high of my face and yes started seeing black again. I trained it home.

I'm now home & on bed rest. Im completely broken. I feel worthless & like a joke. Im over having to explain my illness. Im over my husband getting texted by his family saying poor him.I know poor him. I hate myself everyday being married to him because of who I am. I offer every week that he can leave me. Now I live with the knowledge his family thinks I make his life a living a hell. I don't want to make his life hell. I love him so much. Sometimes I think it's better if I just end my life so he has to move on

Fairywings · ‎28-10-2016

Hello Sweet and welcome. glad to have you with us. Bipolar is very unsettling I have it amongst BPD anxiety depression body dsymorphia very nice combo so I get where ur coming from. R u on any meds to help with ur anxiety / panic attacks and ur bipolar? If not It may be worth getting into seeing ur local GP explaining to them what is going on for you and what it's like for you, they may even refer you onto specialist support from a psychiatrist who is trained in monitoring meds and acquire the right ones for your needs. I think ur hubby's family needs to become a little better educated about ur illness whether ur hubby explains it to them or they can just source the information from varies google sites and get their reading on so to speak. Please don't feel worthless and like ur a joke bc ur so not what we have to endure with our illnesses at times is unimaginable. Never hate yourself and think that ur making his life hell bc i used to think the same but now we have a beautiful 3 yr old son together, the illness part of you can def be managed with the appropriate meds and life skills given our illness r with us for life xx Try not to focus on what others think they need the help in understanding your condition ur focus is on you and getting yourself better so you can begin to enjoy ur life once more. start a journal if it helps you that way all ur feelings can be written down and not kept within. It worked really well for me xx Leaving this world is never the option out I tried 30 times to leave well guess what I'm still here helping others in the same boat as couldn't feel more blessed in doing so. I know you will get through this ur have to talk the silly's out of you so to speak let you be the one that's in control of them not them in control of you once you begin to get stronger the illness becomes weaker therefore allowing us to manage it. I hope this has helped you in some way please keep reaching out to us and if ur not linked in with ur local GP , meds or a psychiatrist I would highly recommend u doing so for ur own benefit, recovery is a journey one that can def be achieved with the appropriate supports in place take care now and nice to meet you Venessa xx

Loula · ‎31-10-2016

So sorry for the late reply.

I was on medication but turned toxic and had to get straight of them and didn't trust any medication and thought I'm strong enough. Haha was I lying to myself.

Day I arrived back I've seen my GP and on new medication for Bipolar and something for Anixety and he gave me the week of work. He thinks I will need longer of work but I like working because I'm focused and being focused helps me. So I start back tomorrow and see the doctor in two days.

Husband has tried to educate them but they all believe they know what it is. My husbands brother believes it's from the devil which upsets me. We have sent links, videos, ways to look after them self having someone with bipolar. Emergency numbers and what to look out for. But zero have read it. Might text them myself and said I felt like none of you understood me and read this.

Fairywings · ‎02-11-2016

Hi there lovely its ok better late than never. I'm sorry to hear one thing we can't fix is ignorance and no point trying we can just hope that one day common sense will prevail xx so happy to know ur intouch with gp again medications do take their time to work but once they do a more manageable life is ahead of u xx texting them good idea giving them ur perspective hopefully one day they will be able to see thru ur eyes and walk a day in ur shoes if not that's ok focus on u and u alone that's what is important for recovery xx nice to spoken with you please do reach out anytime xx Venessa