I can't be bothered being me

Lisa_C · ‎23-05-2014

I don't want to do this anymore, I don't care anymore. I can't be bothered being me. I don't want to do anything, I can't do anything because everything makes me so anxious and its such an effort. Im hopeless and a useless mother and partner. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. Im only living on for those who I know love and care about me and I couldnt destroy them. Im selfish, I know. I just want to feel something other than this horrible feeling everyday. It's been too long and its all I know.

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Neil_1 · ‎24-05-2014

Dear Lisa

This is the first time I've written to you and I'm sorry that I missed your earlier thread - but things are just taking a turn for the worse for you now.

You said near the end of your last thread that you were going to get to your GP to get a new mental health plan - which if I read right, was about 2 days ago? Did you manage to get along to that??

I also read where you got off your anti-depressants (as you felt they weren't doing any good). If you did get that new appointment for the mental health plan, did your GP possibly give you any new medication? Lisa, there are so many medications out there - that's it's no doubt very likely that the one you were on, wasn't doing you any good. So I do hope that you've been supported with your GP and that they may have tried an alternative medication?

My partner and I have two children (16yo son) and a 13yo daughter - and for the first, oh gee, "many" years, our son was an absolute shocker at night time. And even during the day time, when he was supposed to be having sleeps, he would fight and fight - being new parents, we were beside ourselves so often. And I reckon without a doubt that if Beyond Blue was in operation back then, I would have been on here seeking advice from other parents. But it was just me and my partner - probably making all the mistakes in the world, but Lisa - those were tough, no doubt about it - stressed and strained us and our relationship, but we got through.

Your little boy is there - and 14 months old and he's just so innocent and I'm hearing that he's really affecting your sleep. Which just makes life so damn difficult - as you know.

Lisa I could write heaps more, but I really just want to push the 'send' button so you can see this reply - and I so look forward to you getting back.

This is so important.

Kind regards

Neil

Lisa_C · ‎25-05-2014

Hi Neil, thanks for your post.

I didn't end up going off my meds (had to get them out of the bin) I was just angry when I threw them away lol.

Done the mental health plan, haven't got a referral to see a counsellor yet though. Didn't go to my physciatrist apt on Friday and my GP wanted him to write her a letter before she done the referral. So I don't know. It's my fault for being like this anyway, if I don't change my ways, how am I going to get anywhere, right?

Neil_1 · ‎25-05-2014

Hi Lisa

Your last sentence/question that commenced with the word "if" IS the $64,000 question/statement. However, as so many of us are 'blessed' would you say 'blessed', no I don't think so - as so many of us afflicted with this damn awful shocking illness, we do know that we have to try to change things around, but it's not near as easy to do as it is to write.

It's not easy - it's actually even harder than that.

I'm so pleased to hear that you are making some positive steps though - firstly still taking your meds is a good thing. And to have made and attended your psych appointment - another plus. Out of this, there'll hopefully be further referrals for you as well.

One thing I can say - Lisa it is NOT your fault that you're this way. This is an illness, a disease. To me, there is no difference between someone suffering from depression and someone who suffers from cancer. People who suffer from cancer - it is not their fault; people who suffer from depression - it is not their fault either.

I wanna keep working here with you Lisa - I'm just a fellow sufferer, who's been this way for an awful long time - so while I don't bring any professionalism, I guess I can bring insight, advice and above all else, I can provide support for you. And you know, there's not just me on this site who falls into this category - there are a stack of wonderful community members on here who are like me. Sad to know in one respect, but for other sufferers out there, I hope that it's helpful, because we care for one another, because we know what it's like to live with this illness.

Would love to hear back from you Lisa.

Kind regards

Neil