I broke today

Bayliner · ‎13-11-2014

Hi, new to this sort of thing, feeling like I have pretty much run out of options, I'm a new dad to a beautiful 6 month old IVF bub, my wife has suffered depression for around 7 years and is suffering PND very badly ATM, wife went through cancer, loss of her dad, brother in jail, we relocated to central Qld 12 months ago at the request of my company, they unfairly dismissed me and I was out of work 6 months ago, i took them to court and won the case. Working again now but it's tough going. My wife hates it up here. Today I broke, my wife is aware of her depression but struggles to see anyone, after many years of encouraging her to go to a doc, holding her hand and trying to be supportive I broke down and cried for about an hour, not a real manly thing to do, still crying as I write this as I have never really thought back and spoken about this before. Feeling very helpless that I can't fix the problems for my wife, that I don't make as much money as I used to and I have to sell everything off to survive, that I feel to blame for moving my wife up here and all she wants to do is go back to vic, we can't afford to move back, I have trouble sometimes settling the baby, wife says I'm never around but all I do is work and come home, I don't know anyone up here so there isn't much for me to do. Feeling very helpless and that I have lost me... So sad that I can't fix our problems anymore and life has become so hard and complicated. I just want my wife and baby happy more than anything. I feel a bit silly writing this stuff down, normally I'm in control of my life and have direction now it feels like it's put of control and I'm heading into a dark place. The pressure is way too high, we have another baby on the way, due in May next year, not sure if my wife can cope with the additional pressures, me working to put food on the table and a roof over our head, stressed out to the max and I can't keep up, how do I get help for my wife?? How do I fix it?? How can I provide a better life for mum and bubs?? I try to always do my best, what happens when I'm not good enough and I fail?? I just want things back to normal well as normal, want my wife happy and running out of options

CrashCoyote · ‎13-11-2014

Hi Bayliner,

Thank you for posting. It is a new age and we men are allowed to show we are vulnerable and we do have a limit to how much we can take. Contrary to the "good old days" I honestly think women today prefer their men to open up. You are not weak for it.

But to your problems. I can see that it is very hard and you have lots of things to mange and so many balls in the air. (I'm a dad of five and it can be a tough gig!!!)

Is there nowhere in Victoria that you could afford to rent? I know it will be very tough to start somewhere else but I am guessing that help for her isn't handy in central Queensland. (I'm from Sydney.)

It seems that your priorities have to be your wife, bubby and on-the-way bub. It sounds harsh but you need to put your brother on the back burner until you have the immediate priorities sorted. You can still write to him once a week or so to show him you're there, but I reckon he'd want you to take care of your immediate family first. It sounds from your letter that wifey has beaten the cancer scare and the loss of dad and other things are done now and unable to be changed.

That leaves you with wife having long term depression, PND now and a longing to get back to Victoria. Are there any options available for you to go back there and find any sort of work? I just don't see how she will get help or come round to the idea of living where you are.

I am happy to talk to you on here at any time. Please read some of the literature on here and maybe even call the hotline.

Please accept that you are no less a man for putting your hand up. I think it takes a lot of courage to do and you obviously love our family very much to put yourself out there for them. Keep posting, mate, keep turning over options.

Kind regards, John.

geoff · ‎14-11-2014

dear Bayliner, welcome to the site.

'Enough is enough' is an old saying, a person can only take so much before breaking point, and this is where you are situated now, and please remember this, no one is weak and I'm referring to you here, because there is just so much for you and your wife to try and cope with.

I know what it's like to have a wife struggling with PND, because it happened with me, so we try all our hardest to try and help them, but unfortunately it's to no avail, they can't help it, but eventually when you have other circumstantial circumstances it becomes too much and then depression hits you.

Your wife has been struggling with PND so much, but for a long time you have been putting on a mask for too long, pretending to be able to cope, but it's like a balloon it has to burst, and now it has, so don't blame yourself, it's very easy to do this, we all do it, and this is where a major problem begins.

We want to talk to you because you have friends here, and if your wife wants to join up to then there will be many ladies wanting to help her, but I'm not sure she will. Geoff.