I am tired….

Nobody_Special____ · ‎03-04-2016

I am tired of this feeling of loneliness that engulfs me daily.. I am sick and tired of feeling resentment towards everyone I have come across in my life who doesn't see what has happened to me. I am tired of spending my days in a cone of silence. How many of you haven't uttered a single word today? What's ironic is that with so little actual noise and stimulation in my life, I want nothing more than for the deafening noise to stop………and yet, tomorrow I have to get up, thankful that the weekend is over so I can go be a highly functioning member of society and maybe engage with people on a professional level.

Sorry for the pointless spew, but I can't say these things to my 38 "friends" on Facebook or to my Linkedin network…opening up to friends in the past has just shown me that they weren't the friends I hoped they would be so I am not willing to try that experiment again. I'm glad this place is here so I can say what I need to, but fear it really won't help because the things that depress me are still there and the things I want to silence will continue to make noise...

Do we get better or is this just a way to kill time? I wonder sometimes as killing time is really the only thing I truly enjoy anymore...

Zeal · ‎03-04-2016

Hi, and welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry you have been feeling this way, with no reprieve. If you don't mind me asking, have you been diagnosed with depression? Please make an appointment with your doctor (GP) about these overwhelming feelings of desolation. You don't have to take medication if you don't want to. Some people need help to modify their thought patterns or change aspects of their lifestyle, and don't require medication. It sounds like you're in a relentless cycle, and you deserve help to start freeing yourself from it.

I hope you can get help soon. Keep talking on this forum if you're happy to as well 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

VincentVaughn · ‎03-04-2016

@NobodySpecial, Bare with me, im going to trump this and make you feel a bit better alright.. here goes.. I am a 29 year old male who does not have a single friend (maybe one that comes in to say hi when they have something they need me to do), right now my mobile phone is the most unused phone in Australia (i kid you not)... Oh it gets better... I'm sharing *my* unit with a couple who are absolutely social butterflies, and they have a very good happy married life... Every single day I go through hell because I have to watch them have each other and then everyone around them.. Im left out every single day and they have even managed to take over the unit... On the weekends I spend time in my office doing something just to make myself feel useful... Oh did i mention Im a utter complete introvert so going out is a nightmare... Oh and it gets worse, I have debt to my nose because I tend to go on senseless spending sprees because I feel alive through that... I had an abusive child hood and it has not got any better since.. Oh and I tend to spend on the couple when they are in difficult situations.. but all that has got me is being taken for granted... Anyways enough about me.. @NobodySpecial I know the feeling.. loneliness has become like a part of my everyday being, honestly its like breathing.. What people don't get is the fact that this is like a physical pain... i haunts you every moment.. If you need to talk please do... I'll respond when ever I can... might not be there always but sure as hell will respond... And FYI... You are somebody special...

Nobody_Special____ · ‎05-04-2016

Thank you both for taking time to write... A couple of years ago I was in an extreme period of need and hit a low unlike any I have ever experienced... Going through a divorce, lost my second job in as many years..it was a really bad time on almost every level. Things were so bad that I actually reached out to people who SAID they were there for me, but the reaction I got wasn't what I expected.. People I thought were friends were scared off by the "me" they saw. I blame myself partly because I have become very good at writing people off when I see "signs".. I guess I've convinced myself that people just don't like me. Today I only have "safe" relationships and the one friend in this world I do have, I protect from the "real me" so as not to risk alienating him. That he and his wife live 15,000 kilometers away doesn't help me much on a day to day basis.. Anyway, thank you for reaching out. Sunday was a particularly dark day for me and I appreciate people who took time to comment. I just don't know how many more Sundays I can do anymore.

geoff · ‎05-04-2016

hello Nobody Special, it's always sad when we read comments like yours and they happen every day, but the friends we thought were our friends are only acquaintances, use you when they want, but when you want help they disappear, and this is so typical when you're depressed, but it's very disappointing, but what then happens is that we hide how we feel to one of our closest friends, and that's OK if they live kms away but if they are logical to you then they pick up that something is wrong.
Having to go through divorce as well as losing your job must have been awful, I can sympathise with you as it shakes us as well as shocks us, something which we never wished for, but I have been through the same a few years ago, but for you whether it's happened a liitle while ago, or just recently doesn't make the pain any easier to cope with.
Killing time will only generate negative feelings although it is great to have piece and quiet but don't forget that this can lead on to problems.
I'm pleased that you have come to the site and can I ask why Sunday was a bad day for you. Geoff.

Nobody_Special____ · ‎05-04-2016

My Sunday was no different than most others.. For years I used to thrust myself into social situations, but somewhere along the way it became clear (to me) that absent my efforts, people wouldn't naturally include me in their plans. I sat at home on Sunday and wished it could be Monday so I could go to work (I almost went to work, just to have something to do).. It's the same most weekends, though for some reason Sunday seemed slightly worse than normal. I tried to bake a loaf of bread and it didn't rise properly…that set me off.. I tried scanning ebay for interesting things, but just ended up in a mindless loop of random youtube videos. I refuse to medicate myself, but the noise in my head is simply deafening. Ironic, because all I hear is white noise when I close my eyes and try to focus on something.

Recently thoughts of dying have crept in. I obsess over dying in my sleep, which makes it difficult TO sleep.. I worry about things I cannot control (like dying). I wonder about who would attend my funeral. I wonder who would contact my family. I'm not suicidal, but I worry about dying…a lot… Spent part of Sunday worrying about that too..

VincentVaughn · ‎06-04-2016

@NobodySpecial I thought i was the only one with the endless voice and noise in my head... Anyways triggers like your load of bread are dime a dozen, but the important thing is to focus on something positive at those time, and I know the feeling after a trigger, those worthless thoughts that keep gushing in reenforced by the mean voice in the head just feels like you're being dragged down to a sea of negative thoughts... I have yet to find a way out of this, but I have found that watching a comedy series ( Im on fresh prince of belair) makes it stop for just enough time to slow the drowning effect. Thoughts of Dying are very common with me too, I have tried commiting suicide and honestly the only thought that stopped me is the thought of my mum having to bury me.. I was prescribed a serious doze of antidepressants but I dont feel like taking them because I feel like I am living my life off of a pill which makes it worse. Anywho, friends really are over-rated, honestly thinking of it, I dont blame them from moving away from people like us. When they look at us, they see a train wreck coming at them and In todays digisocial world, they cant afford to have their moods taken down by us or by listening to our stories and worst off is the people who think that our thoughts can be controlled and that we are what we are because of own choices and telling them otherwise will just make it worse. Try this, because this kind of worked for me, go to youtube or spotify if you have it and look up meditation music listen with your eyes closed in a dark room, at first the voices will keep talking in your head and you will be all over the place in your head until you feel sleepy at this point sleep but do it again the next day and keep listening and meditating.. its not magic so it wont calm you down in a day or two but make it a habit, think of it as your safe place to be alone and try to develop some happiness from being at this safe place... it will help a lot...